The lives of strangers

We live our life in a blur, most of us. School gives on to college, love, marriage & then suddenly you hit a stage when you know you are reaching the end of the road when you want to look back.

As we live our life day after day, month after month we also go through gut wrenching moments you want to forget – like the day I saw my mom’s body in a gunny back in a room full of such gunny bags stuffed with dead bodies & I was supposed to identify her face, I did not puke but what I have swallowed makes me sick even now as I write about it or the beautiful moment when I took my new born daughter in my hands after she was born & I broke down – These are moments which remain crystal clear in your mind even after 40 yrs - images which come in a rush like you are living it again.

Then there are times when you want to say something but maybe at that moment you did not have the conviction to say those words & they remained in your mind & the sorrow / joy / expectation. The feelings which ran through you gets hidden in some crevices / layers of your heart, maybe mind (I don’t know). 

These hidden feeling, unspoken conversations – creates at times unknown angst, aspirations shapes our view on life, our relationships, our behavior & our whole outlook towards life. And we live your life mostly basis the experiences & its effect it would have had in you at that moment but in the past. Yes in a way at that moment we move on, let it go but in a deeper sense you don’t.  Good, bad, ugly, delightful – these are the images which get stitched in your mind when you look back.

As I read, Chitra Divakurani I relived many of these moments. It was so real & so beautifully written that I could almost touch, feel & live with these characters (being a bong helped) & by doing relive their (mostly) angst & hurt. Short story writing is a difficult art, you have to build the character, the layers of the individual’s character in those 5-6 pages & close the story in a way that the reader keeps thinking about it, toys with the idea / feelings evoked by the stories till he or she moves on to the next book.

She does that with panache’. The fact that the book made me write the blog so that I could turn around my thoughts into a piece of paper is proof enough.

Footnote: I got introduced to Chitra by her BEST - The palace of illusions & went on to read most of her books. This particular piece was written after reading "The lives of strangers" few months back.

Mother's Day

Mother & Daughter's pose at Ellora (April 2014)

I have not wished my mother for last 2 years because she is not around. She passed away almost 2 yrs back but yes my wife is a mother of 2 and I wished her after seeing a Dettol & P & G ad in the morning newspaper – so did both my daughter’s. We went to dine in Nando’s & the smart manager wanted to take a pic of the family to celebrate mother’s day & send across the photo – They are running a promotion & end of the day we will be counted as successful conversion. On Facebook I see a 6 month old girl angry n confused at being forced to participate in a ceremony and pose for photographs by her mother. I am sure the mother would have wished her mother thru Skype – connecting Dubai to Siliguri.

The maid who cleans our utensils had no clue on mother’s day – but she was happy that we shared the cake with her which otherwise would have got wasted. I also recollected my visit to a sprawling mall – yesterday middle aged ladies who were busy roaming around the store with Collins & scrub to clean the racks / shelves from where people like us would have billed products worth twice their salary. I am sure they will go back home after changing few buses to reach a home which has bulbs but no electricity, taps but no water – and children who have no idea of mother’s day.

As the day comes to a close my daughter’s come to say Good Night to me, I wonder at the contradictions of life & the belief that they will see a better world when their turn comes to get wished on a mother’s day.

Americanah & The reluctant Fundamentalist.

Maybe it was a sheer coincidence that I experienced both Americanah written by Chidanand Ngozi & the movie version of The reluctant Fundamentalist by Mira Nair simultaneously. I had read the slim book by Mohsin Ahmed a yr back & was stuck by its realism and the style.

Both had the underlying theme of Americanization of this world. As I write this post – my 10 yr old sees OREO ad and I know that will be on top of our shopping list because she loves the cream & chocolate cookie, She just recently declared that she wants to be a singer & settle down in Singapore –innocently declaring that this her most recent aspiration. Her inspiration – Taylor Swift, she is in love with her lovelorn voice & sings them along with the music playing in her room as she studies for her IMO.

Ifemelu of Americanah did not have such upbringing & neither did I. We did not have a TV till 10^th & getting a pen from Russia was the only phoren experience I had that too because my uncle went to Russia for a fighter pilot training course. I had preserved that postcard for a long time – I think from Moscow or Kiev. Americanah (part of it) deals with the entire race issue in America & difference between Negro / African American & American African & beautifully depicts how racism exists NOW not 100 years back. How small-small things can add up to a humiliating experience.

In The Reluctant Fundamentalist as Changez returns from Mexico – he is stripped & searched, while his white colleagues are let off. Similarly he is picked by the police & interrogated although he is the partner for a high flying financial consulting firm. His name & beard was the trigger. So your position does not matter but your race does.

So, while I really liked the angst of Changez & Ifemelu but I think the choice is with us. For the younger generation (for me it’s my daughters) to decide whether that is what they want to do. Only thing is there is a twist to the entire theory & practicality of it. The way American culture has pervaded our house – I think they will be wearing “I love America” batch in the heart & formative minds. 90% of what they consume is from America – books, movies, music, food, QSR (Mc d / KFC …).

As a father at times, this worries me because I think they will be color blind when they have to make the choice. But I also feel secure that they will not be unaware, yes they will be spoilt of choice but after few rights & wrong turns they will choose the right path. 

I know I cannot change the world around them; my only job is to try & prepare them for their journey.

Pause...

It’s been 2 month’s since I wrote a line no let me correct it, crafted a line, no let me better that, put my thoughts on paper. Why do I write, rather why cannot I write (regularly)? Why is it so difficult to create those words which form in my mind early in the morning as I sip my morning tea in my balcony but gets lost on the roads to my office between phone calls, e-mails, meetings, reminders…and so on so forth?

Is it a question of priority or is it a question of discipline. Priority – What is priority? Can writing be another item in your check list which you can tick? An important task in your daily / weekly to do’s because it’s a job to be done just like you make a presentation or create a campaign. Can you prioritize between reading a great book or write about that thought which has been wriggling inside your mind like a worm for last few days or Can you prioritize between a swim and a lazy afternoon with friends vs an intellectually stimulating piece on tribal life in Nagaland which you want to write…
Can u write as a discipline, Can u open the laptop and except the words to come pouring out. Words which came to your mind as you were sitting through a boring presentation, words which choked you when you saw an emotional movie or experienced a touching moment with your loved one, words which filled up your mind, body and soul when you read something inspiring & felt “Gosh this is something I need to write…!!!!” Words which keep knocking at your head, day in day out because they do not have an answer and you know you do not have any hope to get an answer in this lifetime…

Honestly, I do not know.

I read a lot of new authors especially in the subcontinent and really like the way they express the turmoil, growth pangs, relationships, life changing events like partition, Afghanistan war and it touches a chord because I also go through the same & I like the way every story is interweaved to the current mileu, politics, leaders so much so that you can almost touch & feel the characters. Reading them tugs my writing side which becomes dormant or hibernates when “work & home to do’s” pushes me to scratch off “writing” from my to do list as I switch off the light for the day.

I do know that an end goal and discipline is critical for any writer – from Murakami to Amitava Ghosh to Orhan Pramuk that’s the only thing which makes them write such complex masterpieces. It amazes me how can they hold on to so much in their mind especially over such long period of time.

I started blogging to build the discipline of writing and till date that has been the reason and not who reads and comments. But somewhere I wanted to differentiate between blogging and real writing (short story, poems or a novel) and that struggle is still on. There are very few things which you can say “only you have created” which you do for a purely selfish reason of your creative satisfaction. For me writing is the only lasting thing which I do only for me, a close second probably is cooking but I do that for my little masterchefs and bring an element of surprise in our mundane life.

As I opened my laptop to write after 2 months, I had various things in my mind I wanted to write from the numerous books I read to the few stunning movies I saw to some unbelievable facts of history and politics which moved me.

But as I caught the first glimpse of the first monsoon clouds I thought let me just pause …just like the first monsoon clouds which like my thoughts keep hovering in the sky but seldom rains.

Urban Shots

From a gigantic canvas to small shots of love, relationship, longing, friendsip & angst. I also got this book as a gift (Santa had loads of books for me, even the next book I am reading is a gift – Thx Santa :- )) It is a collection of 28 stories written by 13 budding authors / new writers.

I started reading with apprehension and as filler between River of Smoke & Steve Jobs which I guess will be a heavy read looking at the size and the weight of the book. It was a mixed bag collection. Some of them were too short at least for me to comprehend but many of them were nice and brought out the life style and the related situations which all of us are going through very nicely.

But I guess it was too close to reality in which we live in and hence brought back conversations, articles, news which we read day in and day out and hence didn't excite my senses like some other books did.

Which brings back the question on "Why we read, What we read ?". Too big a question to cover in this post, maybe some other time......but yes few answers can be found in Orhan Pramuks Other Colors.

It was also a nice introduction to the craft of writing. For someone who wants to write it gave a representation of what to write and what not.

I can't end this post to congratulate all 13 writers on their journey from thought t0 blog to publishing to being read to being written, spoken and maybe seen (in a movie/serial) very soon.

Lage Raho bhai log....More on Urban Shots at http://www.greyoak.in/urbanshots.htm

River of smoke

Why do people do not release paperback? This was/is my biggest grouse with the publishers of River of Smoke by Amitava Ghosh (the same with Murakami’s new book IQ84). If I am not wrong the book got launched almost a yr back but although he is one of my favorite author & I could very well afford it. Somehow at time my socialistic side perhaps takes over. And I can’t make myself spend 600+ on a book like I cannot spend 10 k on a running show. Anyway that’s me.

So when my mom gifted the same on my birthday I could not wait to start & finish, when I start these books I read cover to last page over 2 or 3 nights. I cannot read anything else even magazines or newspapers.

But this time I was a bit disappointed with the length of the book and especially many detours it takes on botanical lessons n history plus the Chinese words and language usage which is integral part of the book. The real raison d’être of the book is actually covered in last 2 sections on how the opium wars started in China. I actually realized the importance of the book and got a better understanding when I read about the opium wars 1 & 2 in Wikipedia. I am unable to provide the link because as I write the site has blacked out.

It had the usual large canvas of Indo-Chin-brit historical relationship in the centre of which was opium which linked them and actually started a change process whose impact can be felt even now. As a coincidence I was in Hong Kong & Macau in March and I was pouring through the maps in 1800’s to understand how it looks.

Other thing which sort of bugged me is this new fascination of writing 3 book series. I mean I am all for it and I am sure the canvas he has chosen justifies the same and maybe it makes lot of marketing sense as well. But the gap between the first & second book was too large at least in my case and most of the characters in the previous books were wiped out of my mind completely and I really did not see a strong link between the two.

All in all, a bit disappointed Amit da : - (

PS: If you are Amitda's fan log on at http://www.amitavghosh.com/

London is dirty

Well, the buildings apart, if I were to just look at city streets, walking paths etc I found London very dirty. You can find cigarette butts everywhere and you can also find cans, empty Mcdonald packets, or remains of food. I found it a bit disturbing but also a bit solace because I read and heard so much that we (meaning India )has the most dirtiest city in the world etc etc.

Thames is beautiful.
The correct word would be poetic. The cruise which I took on Thames was one of the most memorable 45 minutes. There was a person who was giving an informative and funny commentary – which was a mix of history & present. So, he not only told us about the oldest church, biggest fire but also about the IBM building which was rated as the ugliest. As I rode on the cruise I felt like Thames was holding two parts of London together like spine holds the papers of a notebook together.

As I wrote in the OP inspired moments, I realized writing is probably the only way of reaching out to these moments and toying with them reliving them just you and the thought and the moment. It is not about sharing an experience with your friend and family – as you generally do whenever you co me back from your trip or when you connect after a long time. It’s not so much of how many people read your blog and wrote a comment but it’s about putting on paper what you felt the way you felt.

As long as budding writers like me enjoy those few moments I think we will continue to write inspite of the fact that we get published in our life time or not.

The weather

In our mind, we all have a picture of any new place which we visit especially if it is geographically different from where you are. So, if it’s Kerala – you would visualize the backwaters in a way or if it is zero point in Bhutan – you will visualize the ice in a fashion. This is based on your talks with your friends who have been there, or pictures you hurriedly saw on the net when you were doing your packing, or it could be a ficton / story (so whenever I visit Tokyo or Kiyoto in Japan Murakami and all his books will come to my mind)…….But all of us do carry a picture in our mind.

The picture of London what one has is the typical “picture post card” - nice and sunny parks with people jogging etc. When I reached Paddington and started walking on the streets (3 hours after I have touched down at Heathrow at 6pm– all the while I was walking only on concrete or tube), I could still see the see the yellow leaves trampled on the road side and with the kind of forecast which has been predicted, I thought the picture of London which I had in mind will remain just that a picture, but thankfully the sun showed up on Sunday and we had a lovely picturesque view of London.

But still it was very unpredictable – although we had sunshine in the mornings the night would be chilly and cold. One thing surprised me was even in this cold weather everybody had chilled water and of course all the tavern which sold fresh beer were overflowing….In India, Rum (and in recent years vodka) is a must have during the Delhi winter.

English Architecture

St Pauls Cathedral, Big Ben, London Tower, Trafalgar Sqaure etc has an aristrocatic, old world touch. But these were only few names – there were many other buildings which were built in similar lines and they gelled well with the entire background – roads, trees, even the small restaurants which had chairs outside where you could just sit and absorb the atmosphere. There are very similar buildings in parts of Mumbai & Delhi – I am sure there is a term for that but the difference were the things around the building.

In Mumbai & Delhi so much crowding has happened around the building that the building is just another building you see near VT, but here there lot of space around, trees , weather – all together it created nice scenic beauty.

Tube Travel

Tube in London is apparently more than 100 yrs old and I was told it has a mention in Sherlock Holmes adventure (A trivia told to me by Prajesh when we crossed the Baker Street station). It’s not very different from the Mumbai trains in terms of the rush and speed and efficiency and I guess similar to the Delhi Metro but much more clean, extremely well laid out and explained.
You will find a chart on every station so that before you board the train you are sure that you boarded the train. Very low on staff unlike India – so tickets are dispensed by machines. The Oyster Card (7 day pass) was a boon and made life so simple. Whether you go by bus or train as many times as you want you just need to carry the card.

When I saw the multiple line and hundreds of stations in the tube map which I downloaded in India, I was shit scared that I will not make it to the venue in time. But after hopping on and hopping off a few times on Sunday I could easily get the drift and travelled all the days alone. In fact on the last 2 days it was almost mechanical – like a video game which you play. I can visualize all the scenes piece by piece in my mind as I sit here now and write it.

Army of Black
Every day I took the Bakerloo Line from Paddington, got down at Oxford Circus and changed over to the Central Line, took the tube to St Pauls and then walked till the venue of conference. All of this in 20 mnts max. I did this for 4 days and every day was like a replay of previous day. I do not it is because of the weather but 90% of people were in blacks or grey with black shoes. When I would get up into the escalator or walk in the tunnels which connect one line to the other it was almost like I was part of an army.
You could literally hear the click of the boots as you walk. And it is almost like the march past, after some days the efficiency irked me. It was like – no smile, no talk, just people walking, walking, walking and then turning left, waiting for the train, hopping on, getting down, again walking….(reminded me of the Brick on the wall Video by Floyd)….

I almost felt like I was surrounded by an army of Black wherever I went

Bidesh...

When I told Dad, I was going to London, he said – Jao bidesh ghoore aasho (go visit the foreign land and come). It’s a typical bangla word but you will rarely hear it now a day. For me it sounded like the 40’s and 50’s when a native Indian goes to a foreign land – typically meaning a white men’s land. At least in my mind it evoked that kind of feeling / visual picture.

As I start back from Heathrow, I realize there was hardly a moment in all these 5 days when there was not an Asian (Indian / Pakistan) around. Right from the immigration counter to the ticket collector in the Heathrow express, the receptionist in Hilton where I stayed for a night, Paddington hotel where I stayed for rest of the days and the Grange hotel where the conference was – most of the staff were Asians. Even walking down Oxford street, or on the cruise on Thames or the Underground or the Starbucks coffee in front of me (as I write this on the airport) I was always surrounded by Asians.

It was comforting for someone who has never visited London and I almost felt like home but having said that most of them were only Asian in their looks. When I tried to speak to them in Hindi or start a conversation, except for a young guy who was manning the store part time and studying on week days all of them had no interest or shared the feeling which I had when I saw an Indian. They are as much a Londoner as anybody else – except for their color of skin.

When I reach home I am going to tell dad – Bidesh ta aakhoon amader desh hoi gache (the foreign land has been converted into our land)*.

*As per a survey, the non island population will be more than the native population in 2020 or sometime around that.

Inspired by Orhan Pramuk….London Musings

There are authors who scare the hell out of people like me who want to write like Amitav Ghosh. I am half way through “River of Smoke”, and I know it will take a lifetime and more to do the research, visualize and write something on those lines.

On my way to London I finished one part of “Others Colors”. It was amazing to read the chronicles. It was almost like you were reading his mind, moments he cherished or which he did not, thoughts on abstract things like chair. You could almost, glimpse – peek into a writers mind and I almost feel that someone ripped off few of thoughts / expressions from my mind and put it there. These were essays and thoughts / views – on just about anything.

For lot of us writing becomes a stumbling block – first you need to find time out of you paying hectic schedule and get the right thoughts when you sit down to write and then you need to have enough time to finish the thought (the below notes took 2 months), and then when you put it up you hope few encouraging bloggers will put up a few comments….and after few blogs you do not know why do we need to ferret out those few hours & go through the hardship when you can discover a new book, a new place, a new movie…..and so on so forth. All these are equally intellectually stimulating. So writing in our purposive world actually serves no purpose (objective is more for work place so..)

Reading OP was a revelation because it in a way showed why he wrote what he wrote and maybe he became what he became. So, here goes once again…and this time I hope the journey goes much longer than earlier ones.

As long as budding writers like me enjoy those few moments I think we will continue to write inspite of the fact that we get published in our life time or not.

Children need inspiration…& everything is possible

Thanks to some inspired moments my daughters turned into artists, so that used fabric printing and gifted their grandparents – lovely pillow covers. They also made different types of flowers even lotus which looked too complicated for me. As I saw them draw, paint create stuff on their own I realize how pathetic our education system. Do we teach them anything beyond increasing their ability to memorize? In few days these kids created something which they will remember for their life time, create things, share ideas and most importantly enjoy the process in a fun way & not as if it is a punishment.

Bongs & Food

We are obsessed with food. Period. This time was no different. We had a cook who was cooking in our backyard. He got the usual “dekchi’s (big utensils)”, the raw materials and set up his stuff in the outhouse. The morning started with a great deal of discussion on breakfast, lunch and dinner. All types of possible variety which could be made, was made. And of course we packed 4 jars of sweets which I am still enjoying (Started the series in mid Oct……then work caught up.)

My space

I ducked out of many family sessions and spent some time simply walking on the terrace, watching birds fly….basically doing nothing. There was no yesterday and there was no tomorrow, all spiritual masters will tell you to live for the moment. But for once and for a while there was no present as well. It’s difficult to explain nothingness…for some time I experienced it and it was bliss.

Here's hoping this lasts till the next vacation..

Olive Oil, A/C – Video coach

Times have really changed. I saw a notice in one of the pandal’s in C R Park in Delhi. Bhog (khichdi) cooked in “olive oil”. I did not know whether to smile or laugh out loud, Bhog used to be a way of celebrating togetherness it was a means to sit together and have fun, the oil was really immaterial and now the same is showcased almost like an inviting rather courting notice.

Same story when my daughter went for “bhashan (immersion of durga idol)”. She went in a A/C coach which had video screens to boot. The whole fun of going to bhashan was to dance, make a mess, sing in a very indecent language – u can become a rowdy for a day and get away with it. And your parents will forgive u. But I guess video coach is better & safe for kids. Dad speak : -)

Shit happens….all the time
I loved the line in Z N Milegi Dobara by Farhan “Shit happens…”. Some lines stuck in your mind for reason unknown to you, this was one of them. When mother and daughter went to see bhashan (immersion of durga idol which happens outside the city and takes up almost ½ a day) and clicked lot of photos and videos it was a treasure trove which was to be seen, cherished, shared and talked about at a later date, because going to bhashan in an unknown city like Bangalore where we stay is a strict no – no and this was once in last 10 years of marriage…So, you get the point.

So, next day when by mistake I deleted all the photos & videos, I had to cut a sorry face in front of mother-daughter duo….As I apologized and begged mercy it was a challenge to keep a poker face because the line “Shit happens” kept playing back to me like a stuck record player.

But seriously, the statement is quite philosophical. No point to keep on thinking of what happened which will ultimately lead to an emotional breakdown or an unstable relationship.

Story Telling

All my vacations were full of story-telling – especially my DAD telling me “Ramayana – Mahabharata”. On a rain swept day in Assam, when we kids could not do anything outside we would gather around him and he would start narrating these epics. The very thought takes me back 30 yrs and tells me to relive the days even if it’s only in my memory and between me and me.

Cut to present.....Grandpa’s have to change and innovate with time so we had “Ulta Pulta Ramayan” being narrated by my Father in Law. It’s a hilarious take on Ramayan where Sita goes willingly with Ravan and Ram had to really plead with Sita to come back. I joined for a while but then moved out so they could have their own cozy session.

Role reversal…For once Dad(that’s me) had more questions. After seeing Harry Potter and Chamber of Secrets (Potter mania was intact even during vacation)I could not relate to a few facts which I picked up from part 3 and part 4 (all parts seem the same to me though) so Nikita recounted the journey of Harry from his childhood….it was a very similar to my story telling experience with my Dad except that it was a darkened room in Jaipur, while dust-storm played outside we (me and my daughters) switched off the light, put the fan in full speed and got into the world of magic…It was an afternoon I will remember for a long while.

As I took my customary walk in the evening on the terrace 2 thoughts struck me. One – Harry is on its way to be a part of folk lore, Two – Fathers and daughters will not be the same…This role reversal was unbelievable in my case.

Change

At one level – most of us are fascinated by change, change is life – work, children growing up, new phone (Apple ihone4s), technology (cloud), new dress(microbe free) etc etc. Everyone is running to cross the next frontier in everything they do and aspire for.

At another level – it seems life is constant.

The relationship which my kids share with their grandfathers is the same as the one I shared with my grandfather. Storytelling of epics used to be the best part of the trip – it still is. Although I am 40 and father of 2 daughters my parents still treat me like the 17 yr old kid who has come back from college for a few days and will again go back – so feed him and pack with much as you can so the same lasts for few months (it’s just that their granddaughters list have also got added to it), my parents still bicker at every single point of discussion (like they did 30 yrs back) and then cozy up…Nothing much has changed..

If I look at life outside my home in Delhi, the rickshaw wallahs who ferry us to the puja ground, the haggling with autowallahs, or the chit-chat with the chaat guys serving bhelpuri. Nothing has changed from the time I used come home during breaks in engineering then MBS then job in Mumbai. Even in Jaipur the big glass of lassi which I tasted from the original lassiwala the day I got engaged is still the best when I go back with my wife & two kids and of course I do not miss out on eating Rawat’s kachaudi and packing two bozes for my friends in Bangalore.

These moments have a illogical beauty & life of their own and they will never change at least from some of our mind. And when we live these moments there is a special feeling of coming back home, something which you do not want to change.

Living the day to day structured, logical corporate sanitized life drains you out so when you just walk around aimlessly going thru these moments without thinking, evaluating, debating, measuring – you start questioning change and the need for it.

Puja Musings

It’s been few years since we spent “puja” together with our families, 2008 to be precise. We went through the same rigmarole once again – shatabdi to Delhi, 3 puja days with my parents, 2 puja days with in-laws then flight back home. Few days of rest, before you get back to your desk with the familiar sounds of phone calls and cacophony of work all around you.

But, it’s always a nice feeling to step out of your cubicle (read desk) and into the wild wilderness for few days. This is when you really experience life in it’s true sense, in it’s fullness - blissful – emotional – carefree, compared to the sanitized life we lead. In a road trip (the road has become an added word post ZNM Dobara) you are living through the good and bad phase 24/7 – whether it’s the dirty loo of rajdhani which stinks and makes you feel like puking or you are standing in “badi chaupad” (market in Jaipur) searching for those tiny shops who used to sell ghungroo’s, artificial jewellery etc but now have become part of history ironically because of government’s beautification drive. In these moments you experience life which gives you the true feeling of abandon and the freedom, the way life should be - not canned up in a room or an office.

For me these trips are also very reflective, it’s one thing to think logically and plan things out in your room which is good but the real essence of life comes when you start living them and compare note what you were, what you wanted to be and what you are. These trips gives you snatches of time like an hr long taxi rides, afternoon siestas when you just cannot do anything but toy around with a few thoughts here and there like the floating clouds which come in create a few showers here and there and just drifts off….

This time I thought, let me capture a few of these before they crash out of my mind…

Pipes of shame.....

I have been crossing these pipes for last 1 year or more. If I were to put a camera which would capture the images on what purpose the pipe it will be called just that "Pipes of Shame....". These are huge pipes laid just next to a huge open drain pipe near Airport Rd Bangalore for last year my BBMP - that is Bangalore Muncipalty.

I cross these pipes everyday morning around 9 and come back around 6pm. Why? because I walk to office and these are lying there for all of us to see. You might cringe (if anybody reads this that is....) but I have seen youngsters looking here and there and using these pipes as urinals, there was a day when I saw a mother breast feeding her child in these same pipes and one day I saw a father sitting and counselling her daughter probably for an interview and so on and so forth.

I stay in a nearby appartment and since these pipes were not laid out but digging was done, the entire basement was flooded and some 25/30 cars including mine was submerged under water and yes there was no water / electricity for 2 days.

We spoke to BBMP / MLA et al. And we were promised that all car bills will be paid up and within 21 days walls would be built so that the same would not happen again. Well the answer or action for the same is a foregone conclusion.....nothing happened.

But every time, I look at these pipes the picture of the mother comes infront of me and I start hating the word development.

The Social Network…

I saw the social Network with awe, intrigue and lot of excitement. It’s rare that you get a glimpse of what goes on inside a geniuses mind. The impact when the idea hits the world, and the politics, machinations of the industry, the battle between the idealism of an idea and the reality of a commercial world.

Don’t we all have all ideas? Don’t we all want to see it grow roots, blossom, bear fruits which are enjoyed by others. I am no different, everyday my head buzzes with ideas which I want to plant. But because of the security & trappings of my current life I push the idea out of my mind. But, I do not want to discuss my ideas…..I was more keen (as I am always is, these days) to understand “how can I help ideas to germinates in my kids mind”. Some say I am obsessed with my kids…well then I am. Don’t mind.

A lot of people especially people who have read abroad and come back (although I do not want to generalize that) have rubbished our education system and I am no different. But whenever I read this I only question myself. OK. Great! So, what’s going to happen to my babies I can’t wait for the system to change I want my kids to invent the next “Social network, maybe artificial network – where u do not need ipads / touch system, I am sure by then PC’s will cease to exist. I can also see lot of correlation with the corporate world – we need to innovate today and generate results for next quarter, not wait for the IT systems to get in place.. which might take yrs. I know it’s a long journey…so I need to start NOW!!!

I also read a very interesting article a few days back (and I have been reading a lots of them in last few years)on how fresher’s out of MBA courses have started doing things on their own – a lot is on the technology front and how solves our life although I feel we are just complicating or life more n more by giving us too many choices. But what I like about this article was these kids had the audacity and courage to create things for the society in large – well let me say it, for villagers. Now a days we have started defining society as 200 kms / 500 km’s around your office but most products / innovation are for the top end of the pyramid. These fresher’s have created purifiers costing 300/- which can be afforded by villagers and few other products in the same line.

I kept thinking – The social network was launched because it was cool for boys to rate girls in the campus and what every boys & girls aspired for in that age. And I said “Do I want that to be starting thought before they discover / invent something.” It looked too silly and shallow as a thought. I know the same got evolved in a larger need for the populance to stay connected. And, I guess I will be equally proud if my kids can do that as compared to a product / idea which serve as the social need of the country.

What I am scared of is something which Mark mentions in the movie. “It was cool to hang out in the canteens / pubs but now it will be cool to hang out on the net.” Millions of young Indians are doing just that, resulting in ideas / thoughts breakthroughs in that sphere. In a way it’s a parallel world, cocooned in the comforts provided by us – the parents. Many of our kids have actually not seen India in which we grew up.

The touch-feel-see-experience-learn cycle is something which we as parents should never lose sight of, because that is what will define their thoughts / imaginations and probably the next new big discovery. We have the responsibility to make them sensitive to the environment and explain the real India and it’s value.

http://changents.com/trina-talukdar. Earier on today I was reading an article in DNA which spoke about Trina who runs a small NGO called Kranti from her rented house had been asked to vacate because they preferred married women. Read about her to understand what I mean about being aware of the world and taking action.

To Let Go & To Not Let Go…..

There are times in all our life when we just cannot let go of things. There are things at job, new questions for which either you do not have an answer or you feel there is no point in asking for an answer – but the voices keep coming back at you, pounding your head giving you sleepless nights. All of us have gone thru this including me.

This is especially true when 1000’s of people across organizations stand outside their department head’s room and wait for the verdict to pass. Will I get an A or a B or a C? Because, that will decide the amount of variable pay I will get. I know the feeling – the rush of blood, racing heart beats, cold n sweaty hands, because I go thru the same and I know many of my team members will go thru the same. More importantly in today’s high inflation market for many middle employees the variable pay will just about tide them over and maybe buy that LCD TV or plan for that holiday which they have been discussing with their better half or parents/brothers.

For many of us this is a make or break point in their relationship with their organization. Because that day or moment when the “verdict” is made, the company makes a statement of how valuable he/she is. It’s a statement which is the outcome of last 364 days spent in hard work and a noble intent of taking the company or a project forward. For all those people who do not have direct subordinate a “B” is a downright insult. Most “C” feel / know the verdict and would have planned an exit. But for those who have people reporting in to them “they start appreciating the bell curve” and realize that all cannot be A or C so most of them will be B.

But over a period of time I realized these are really the small things to sweat for. Ultimately life is not about to hold on to the grade / rating. Yes that is important but there are so many other things – like the learning’s which you would have had over last one year, the amount of knowledge you would have imparted to people below and above, the time you would have spent with your family because your boss & company was understanding enough, the time when the organization and your boss stood behind you when you screwed up on the artwork, the time when the organization listened to you and told you. “Go ahead. We are with you on that. Let’s take the plunge.”

Compare this with your children, what’s important – the grades she gets or the smile on her face when she says she is singing in the choir or when her poem got selected for the school magazine, or her teacher came home and dropped your daughter because the school van did not turn up. Do you grade your relationships with your family, friends, and relation and keep upgrading it every year. No, you do not let go of such relationships, on the contrary you work hard to fulfill small promises made to your family, treasure the small moments as your children grow up.

“Letting Go” as a core principle of life and has been the key premise for “satisfaction n fulfillment” by many spiritual leaders (especially in today’s materialistic world)….but I always debated the same and my contra argument was “Life is not always about letting go but it’s about making the right choice of what to let go and what not to let go. We are often forced to make this choice on a daily basis. It’s better we be wiser now or regret later”.

Every time I see birds in a cage, I want to free them I want them to fly and soar. Be free, now & forever. I clicked this beautiful snap....even inside the cage when they are trapped and caged for life they share a moment of togetherness unaware (& not bothered) about the surrounding. Yes we all feel caged once in a while - at home, at workplace but then this is our place our little world & we have to be sensitive to each other to make this place (& life)worthwhile place to be in.

Common Purpose – Adieu’

I guess I was a bit ambitious or maybe it was a sudden burst of inspiration on meeting Devi Shetty in the second session of Common Purpose that I thought I will write one pager on every single “Common Purpose” session which I attend. I had kept all the notes I had made in a file thinking one day I will just write … that was end of Jan and this is end June, unfortunately time is still a scarce commodity. With 2 kids at home & 2 unfinished projects at office some ball had to drop and the easiest one was obviously my writing – common purpose was subset of my overall ambit of my writing – something I am most passionate about.

The paragraph above symbolizes a similar pang which many of us felt on our ride back from the common purpose sessions. Although I am generalizing at this point, if the remaining 49 participants’ did not then “God Bless” because then all of you are able to put your hand – feet – mouth – mind where your soul is.

What did common purpose journey mean to me? Did it make any difference? Yes, It did. There are many training programs I attend and many I conduct and the only measure for any programme is the lasting impact the program can have on someone’s mind. Common Purpose is a program whose impact in my mind will be everlasting – I can relate it to the 5000+ saplings & around 4000+ DVD’s of “Inconvenient Truth” we distributed across India on the environment Day & the 20 odd young minds that assembled in my balcony to see the same movie, discuss it and make a resolution and make their entire family live by it.

Will the tree be planted? Will the tree survive? Will it bear fruits? Will the 20 kids remember their resolution? Will it make the world a better place to live in? I do not know & I never will but I know I could do something and I did….I think that has been my biggest learning across all common purpose sessions.

Believe in the purpose – Means will follow.

Historical Fiction

I started the year with Kiran Nagarkar’s “Cuckold” and last month I finished “Raider’s from the North” by Alex Rutherford. Both of them were fictionalized history. I have never enjoyed reading history so much.

Growing up I hated history and kept it away from me till 2 days before the exam. History was equal to until the bell stuck for the exam to start and your teacher warned “If you do not put the put the book down we will not allow you inside the exam room”. It was also about dividing the portion between us or hiding the “nandlal dayaram kunji” – those small books which can disappear between folds of school dress (especially girls) or hidden in the bathrooms or passed around the exam room. God bless the publishers we managed to pass Xth and after that I never looked back literally at the past. Yes, It’s funny but the kind of pressure which we kids used to go through was traumatic.

But reading these books and few others which I read some time back gave a new dimension to history. If I could turn back the clock I would have dropped Science and chosen History. The past always appeared to be a mystery to me and as I grew up there were so many bubbling questions in my mind – How did the civilizations form? Where did the kings & queens disappear? Why do we have war? Even today the various cultural and historical aspect of various countries fascinate me and I love seeing movies from across the world or reading books by authors across the world because they unravel the mystery.

Reading these 2 books, made me realize how fascinating Indian history can be and how interesting it can be made for our children. Although teaching is my wife’s department – for a change I looked at my 6^th graders history book and saw 5 to 7 pages devoted to each civilization – starting from mesopatamian Civilization and ending with South Indian Kingdoms….On enquiring I was told that we will do only Harappan Culture (skipping Mesopatamian & Egyptian) this term and I could see scribbles & open and close brackets across the chapter with no’s written against each of them – which means only one thing that they are the answers of some specific questions. I guess that’s the only take away for my daughter.

Which makes me realize that things haven’t changed much since 19 81 = almost 30 yrs back, but then there are so many other things which have got added in their plate – Shiamak Davar classes, games in ipod, swimming (we never had a pool), Farmville, movies & TV time …….Will Harappan Culture hold forth…Sigh! Let me give it a shot.

Is Progress equal to 8% growth in GDP?

I just finished reading “A fine Balance” by Rohinston Mistry. It has been in my “to read” list for a long time. Thanks to my frequent travel I could finish the book in 4/5 sittings. It was a book of shocking human endurance and to borrow from Obama an audacity of hope.

3 thoughts came to my mind.

One as someone who loves to write – “how can someone describe the scenes in so much vivid detail”. Especially, if the author has left the city and stays in some other country. I have stayed in Mumbai, so I could relive the city through the pages of the book. As I read the book it was more like screen play – because I could literally pick the characters from my Mumbai stay and visualize them. It’s an art, I am still quite at a loss. Maybe I will give it a shot by writing a scene from my college.

Second as someone who loves India - “we know/appreciate so little about our past/history/heritage”. I do not know if it’s an Indian phenomenon or it’s just about me being dumb but reading through the travails of Om & Ishvar during emergency days I felt the events described in the book were not very different from what we have read and seen about Nazi ghetto camps. But while tons of books / movies have been made about Nazi but Emergency which I guess played an important role in Indian politics is not something we have read much about. Emergency is just an example but even our history is taught in the LIFO principle – last in first out. The relevance is limited to passing the exams or maybe at another extreme is the politicization of our ideals which leads to an unfortunate event like Babri Masjid demolition.

Third as someone who is part of the new India – on our so called “great Indian growth story”. “A fine Balance” is story of 4/5 characters during the time of emergency that is 1971. We are in 2011 that’s 40 years from the time when the story was written but I am quite sure that we can change the names and the entire story could be happening now. If I walk down Dharavi or any other slum I am sure I can find beggar-master who maims child so that they can beg, migrant workers who have left everything and keep doing odd jobs to survive, public toilet / station as their home etc etc.

I was also reading somewhere that 45% of India does not have electricity, clear drinking water and does not get basic health & education. If we think realistically I can explain that yes India has progressed to – create Infosys, Metro in all metros, commonwealth games, CEO’s, best Institutes where people from all over the world come and study.

It makes me feel proud being an Indian but it also forces me to question whether we have really progressed if half of our population is still living 50 yrs behind.

Devi Shetty – Hand of God!

I have not seen “God”& for a large part of my growing up life I was also a non believer. But, standing outside the “neo natal ward” when I saw “25 new born babies” (just few days old)lying in bed with wires coming out - going in, oxygen mask on their face and their chest heaving in and out - there was only one thought which came to my mind “This must be hand of God”.

So, when you sit down to listen to Devi Shetty on “how all this happened” you literally feel like you are listening to a fairy tale. And it looked like that as he recounted his journey from London to Kolkata to Bangalore and finally setting up of “Narayan Hrudayalaya” (NH) hospital in the outskirts of Bangalore.

What makes NH different?

There are lot of case studies (Harvard) / BBC interviews & articles which I heard and read on the net. Most of it was rational – the scale of operations, an excellent “to do – passionate – caring culture, innovation etc etc”

My biggest learning in the entire session was that “If you believe in a cause and truly believe in it, help will come – financially or otherwise ….”. But you cannot let go of the belief or passion and it can be a completely irrational belief but it has to have the power of doing good or a sense of service to society / mankind it will happen.

I know it sound similar to what we read in “Alchemist by Paulo Coelho” or “Secret by Rhonda Byrne”. Reading it one would take me for an eternal optimist….and maybe a dose of experiential learning has hit my head….so be it…but looking back at least in my life I could relate to quite a few incidents where in we got what I really – really wanted.

Problem is – we chase what we cannot get & what we want we give up the chase even before we start.

On the left a painting drawn by an elephant. A similar picture is framed and kept in his room.

The Common Purpose Journey

It was with a mixed bag of optimism and skepticism that I joined the Common Purpose journey in January. Today, after attending 5 out of 8 sessions I look forward to these Friday sessions as half a day which pushes me to question my “sense of purpose”. And most of the weekends I am tormented till Monday Job List takes over like a giant wave which pulls me in and keeps me engulfed till the next session.

Do we have a purpose in life? For most of us who are nudging 40, our sense of purpose is limited to our jobs, our family (especially our growing up children) and of course our own self. Many of us grew up in lower middle class, got our engineering degree followed by an MBA and landed ourselves a good job which lets us indulge in our aspirations.

The corporate journey which most of us have embarked upon is a journey toward a milestone which keeps shifting every year. But we are happy running because there is a very well defined “sense of purpose instilled in us”. Most importantly you have a feeling that you are in control and there are enough metrics / parameters which defines – measures your purpose.

Every news bulletin on corruption / scam / judiciary have made us cynical and turn a blind eye to what’s happening around. We read, see, hear, discuss vociferously, but making us take an action is like climbing the Everest. Our “chalta hain” altitude or “what impact will this one action lead to” prevails in most of us including me. So, Can I have a sense of purpose for my society, people around me when I cannot have a control? The answer is a definitive “NO”

Some of us feel for the outside world, want to do something – something serious, impactful but the daily workload – office and family is so immense that we end up looking at doing things which will come easy literally at our doorstep. The last action I can remember taking is donating cloths which I do not need and felt very good that I have fulfilled a “common purpose of the society”. Looking back that’s a tokenism which I don’t think I can repeat once more and be proud of.

Most of us are happy to be in this cocoon like feeling of moving, progressing, learning…completely untouched by outside world.

Common Purpose shakes that belief ….It gives you that irrational feeling of jumping out of this comfortable groovy train, break out of this cocoon and make an attempt to fly.

For most of us “having a purpose” is to “make a rational choice or being objective or being result oriented”. I think Common Purpose turns that thought upside down - Purpose is all about “belief-passion-doing good” without expecting a result.

Following these are impressions of my meeting with few leaders who made a more lasting impression in my mind than all business books I have read till now.

Back Again - After a 11 month layoff

Maybe it's a sheer coincidence or maybe there is a sign of destiny, that the last entry I uploaded was exactly 11 month's back.

The rationale was to focus my effort more constructively towards a book and few short stories. Ya, I moved ahead a bit on that, tried to collaborate with a friend ...but let's just say it's work in progress.

If I look back, at my past 1 yr of lay off and almost 5 yrs of blogging - "Creative Writing always come from heart it helps you to express your emotions/thoughts/views and it gives you a sense of accomplishment. It's a feeling which is difficult to explain - At one extreme it's a feeling which I got when Nikita was born to another extreme of baking my first cake. But the process of writing or "to make that effort to write" comes from sheer will power / discipline".

Without both these coming together the BOOK will always be a "work in progress".

During the past yr I kept jotting notes, thoughts, lines all over the place .....but as I mentioned it is all over the place. After a while it dawned on me - "when there is an existing blog, which costs nothing why not upload it here. So here goes!!!

On the right "Pic taken from my room in FAGU around 10 km from Kufri". I like the composition (my family hates that word..but what the heck...they are not gonna read this : - )

Relatives and the importance of keeping in touch….

I hated the word relative always from the age of 15 maybe a bit earlier. In those days relationships meant constant bickering, fights for no reason, mistrust, and brawls on silly things which actually led families apart. Most of the time I would either shut myself in a room or plug my headphones or just run.

I kept running till recently my wife announced, let’s make a trip to Cal, our kids need to meet up with their cousins, nieces, jhetus, kakimas. Mama dadu etc (these are Bengali words – in English all male is uncle and femaie is aunties). Since Sikkim was thrown in and I would get to eat all varieties of fish and sweets I gave in.

I never valued relationships beyond my immediate ones – my wife and kids and my parents and at the max my wife’s parents. Yes, if anybody needs help I am there but never made an effort. This time I made an effort and met up with few of them after 15 year. It was nice to see them, each of them have kids who are going to engineering college, somebody finishing graduation, somebody finding a job. It almost felt like a movie which was running and suddenly the power went off and the power came after 15 years.

In the return flight we got chatting and my wife was telling about what each one of her relative had gone thru and how the relationships exist or don’t exist between each of these couples. It was amazing….the story was not very different in most of the households – lot of struggle, few bitter experience, fights / misunderstanding between couples – relatives, most kids are out of their nest …building their own but still trying to keep in touch with their past.

As the plane touched down, I realized that no relationship is perfect but it’s important to be connected and be in touch with your extended family. The importance of bonding / sharing / spending time with our own people is drastically coming down for our kids. We as parents focus more on the kids going for piano-basketball-ballet class than just sitting and gossiping with their cousins.

Maybe these trips it will help the kids to be a bit more grounded than being the super efficient, focused nerds which they will anyway become!! Sigh!

Up and The princess and the frog

I don’t remember the first animation movie I saw, no not the spiderman variety which used to come in Doordarshan the “ANTZ”, Toy Story, Monster….and the entire PIXAR series. I just wanted to be part of it. Almost begging to myself do something to just be a part of this….Remember (or do u know?) Harrison Ford was a carpenter in some studio before he was choosen to play ?? in STAR WARS. I still have hope I used to think in those days….

Well days became years, Pixar keeps making movies and I keep my hopes afloat. See “UP” if you want to know what I mean. Story, concept, visual effect, dialogues OR see Princess and the frog. I came out of the film feeling fresh and nice and so did my kids. See these movies and you will let your worries go by.

It almost forces you to believe in fairy tales and live in it as opposed to face the harsh reality where your peace bubble can be shattered just by a phone call which forces you not to believe in the reality

It always make me wonder, what is a reality, “Is reality the life which we are living or the life which we dream to live?” Might look like a dumb question but ponder over it and you will realize that if not always but at times you would be ready to trade it for the cartoon characters and the 3 hr life, atleast I would.

First Rains

As I write this, sitting in an oven called 7^th floor in Bangalore in the garden city of India, I hear the first drops of rain the cold breeze which u can’t compare with the sanitized (bacteria free air as advertised by Samsung or LG or whatever) and the unique smell of rain on earth. I experience a joy, a spirit almost like a new beginning. A feeling which sparse writers like us feel when suddenly we get an idea and want to write nonstop till wither the idea is consumed or you get consumed…

One of my haunting memories of first rain is that of “sitting at Marine Drive and watching the dark clouds form almost like a battalion getting ready for an attack and they start moving towards you slowly and slowly….till it hits you and you are drenched again and again and again….but we keep sitting and let the rain hit us again and again and again till it loses and walks away…..But we waited for the next shower …and hoped that it will help resolve things between us and the world at large….”

Walking By....

I walk daily to office. I meet Chinese, Americans, Indians of course and smoking battalions who are banished from the office, who stand in the pavement and spew smokes on us innocent passersby. I keep seeing similar faces once, twice, 3 months, 6 months…sometimes they smile, and sometimes I do. Same tea shops, same cops, same beggars only trees are being cut down to accommodate more people passing by….

Above: 2 contrasting pics. Trees cover the entire stretch of road (100ft road Indranagar, Bangalore) and provide shadow for passers by VS trees cut and kept near a petrol pump (Airport Rd, Bangalore) ready to be shipped and converted to fuel….

The Joy of giving…

These days I am petrified by birthdays and anniversaries. Will they like the gift? Has she read the book ? There is this entire performance oriented culture has taken the joy of gifting. Fortunately the kids and the grandparents are still not affected by it.

Today when my parents came home after 1 year, they got some knick knacks which might not have any commercial value but the warmth and the glee which it spread across the household i.e. among the children was a treat to watch. While me and wife rationalized on the product – “color is so unique”, this is “easy and comfortable” to wear to office. Kids went all around the block showing off the plastic rings, hair bands, glow balloon or whatever they could lay their hands.

Reflecting on their smile and action I thought “they were enjoying the moment” while “we were waiting for the moment to come so that we can enjoy it”…..Don’t know when will it come though.

Why didn’t I have a teacher like this ?

Last weekend we went for a walk in Lal Bagh organized by “Bangalore walk”. Me, wife and my 10 and 7 yr old daughters. We wanted to do this for a long time but somehow as it always happens with DI2K (Double Income 2 kids) like us time is only an illusion which we realize only once it’s gone. Oh! The weekend is gone…..Damn the vacation is over and we are sitting on our..you know what.

So we dragged ourselves out of our bed at 5 am in the morning and somehow managed to get ourselves in front of the huge rock in Lal Bagh. At 7 05, we found an elderly gentleman squeezing his car (With great difficulty) between 2 previously parked cars, pull himself out and carrying 2 quite heavy bags move towards the big rock. That was the meeting point.

He introduced himself and laid down a few rules and started talking….For next 3 hrs we learnt about the oldest rock in the world, (which was the big rock in front of us), why Muslims build gardens, preservation of seeds, tipu sultan and history of bangalore, naming of trees, perfection in natural world, pollination, types of bees, how seeds were transferred in ancient world, half the food we eat and plants we see are actually from around the world..…etc. All this as we were walking with this elderly gentleman for almost 3 hrs.

When we all reached MTR and had our grand breakfast,.he told us that he was neither a historian, nor a botanist as most of us thought…he was just an engineer running his own business.

I was fascinated, that 3 hr talk on plants, seeds, made me my wife and our kids (they were only 50% into it most of the time they were busy touching “touch me not’s” and catching butterflies) wanted me to learn more about botany than anything. We never knew botany can be so interesting. Unconsciously even now if I stand in the balcony or see a tree in full bloom I look at it with a feeling which is almost humane. I know it will be difficult to cut a tree even if somebody puts a gun in my head and orders me to.

I looked back at my school days when I used to shudder at the thought of Botany, Biology. In fact I was so petrified in memorizing so many names, diagrams that I dropped Bio in 12^th and took Sanskrit. At least the books were thinner.

I wish I had teachers like this who made u love, respect and create a craving for a subject which would last a lifetime. Irrespective of age or the age difference, the group had people ranging from 25 – 40 leaving aside my kids.

On the contrary, when we asked him how his interest got generated….he said, when he was a kid and used to stay in Delhi, he had lot of free time during summer vacation and those days there were no TV, he had a huge library, so he read all possible books including the ones on botany, birds etc. He also had a huge garden where different types of birds used to migrate and stay in particular trees year after year. In a particular case he tied a note on a bird’s leg and wrote Delhi and next year when the same bird came back…there was a chit from Mongolia

The more I think about it I feel I want my daughters to let loose their imagination and do what they want to be. Just be…they will do something and discover their own stream. That’s the idealistic me just like I was telling my engineering batch mates whom I met after 19 year that before the sun sets I just want to back pack across the world…I don’t know how but I will do it.

But then there are these never ending practical arguments of CBSE vs ICSE boards, making our kids competitive and I just go back to my corner and read a book or open NGC / Discovery to be one with the world which I can’t touch in real….but only feel in my heart.