Being Still - Experiencing Silence

The house has been drained of activities as the hospital beckoned and we were like ‘2 lost souls living in a fish bowl’ - famously sung by Pink Floyd..

The chemo cycle happens every 3 weeks. And for those 3 weeks everyone is trying to do many things and still things are incomplete or have a sense of disapproval. Too many factors and conditions to be kept in mind by many people which ends up in a resultant chaos. 

But today there were none and suddenly I was experiencing silence of a different kind. A silence where I could hear my breath, a silent drone of insects which I never picked up, even the breeze I could experience on my hand as I sat on my doorstep. The parrots as always were the loudest and shrill and the squirrels had their sound synchronised with their tail and on seeing a lazy cat come out and sit near the tree its chatter went up a notch.

After sometime I realised that I had not heard the constant sound of traffic or the consistent beeping of horn, not even the washing machine which was running in my next flat. As if it did not permeate the bubble built by nature. 

I felt, this is not silence, this is life.

A day in balcony

22nd June 23 - Sunset

It rained heavily yesterday night when I got up it was still drizzling and everything was wet. After some time the rain stopped and the clouds were clearing. From my balcony I could see the slow walk of clouds in front of me like a marching of giants of different sizes. It just continued endlessly, I gazed at it for a long time thinking from where do they come to where they are going. Is there a starting point - Is there an end point ?

Nowadays, his memory is like these clouds, they come like a cloudburst and after moving around his mind and tiring him it disintegrates somewhere in his mind. In my morning walk with a doctor she explained this is a natural process - first you lose sense of time, then you lose sense of place and then you get attached to something and want to do it badly. Like her father who wanted to visit his village and visit his uncle who was not well.

I reflect on this and try to make sense of my life, what is the purpose. We live for unforgettable experiences, create loving relationships and spend the whole lifetime in this process. And one fine day the memories get overloaded and start switching off or worse gets all jumbled up. What will the experiences be worth if it’s all gone when you need it the most. 

The day ends, I come out onto the same balcony to see a beautiful array of faint light streaming through the clouds & trees. A listless balcony looked beautiful in the faint reflections. My immediate response was to capture the moment, I resisted for a long time just taking in the beauty of the moment. There was a cacophony of noises - traffic, men shouting and talking in a nearby office, kids playing. But, that did not diminish the beauty of the setting sun and what it created. 

I don’t know if there is a lesson, but I felt refreshed and the dark clouds which were chasing in my mind cleared and motivated me to write. 

Memories will fade but nature will always inspire even in a concrete jungle where we mostly live. 

Like a zen koan says “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

The SNOWMAN - Jo Nesbo

After a long time I read an ‘edge of the seat thriller’. I always wanted to read a NORDIC thriller  but was busy reading others. It was one of the Harry Hole stories and had good twists and turns till the last 100 pages and I kept guessing who was the killer. In other words we kept suspecting someone but it was someone else. 

Like any other suspense or investigative book there was logical thinking and deduction. It goes into overdrive after sometime and I had to control not finishing in a long sitting. Will I read one more - I am not sure. It’s good but in the end you come out with this nauseating feeling of what devious things can be there in the human mind. How people can be so cruel to other humans. Of course there is always a deep seated psychological reason for which the person acts the way he / she is acting. 

The action and the thrill is nice but somehow the macabre murders puts me off. Maybe it’s just my age and the kind of books which I have been reading which are more on relationships or pure play science fiction or on a person’s quest for something or war & displacement. I think all my books in the last few years have been more on human drama. 

So this was a good change. 

I have not read many Agatha Christie but her books or even Sherlock Holmes were more of deductive & solving cases and in that sense innocent. 

I mean how threatening can Poirot be but his brain is no different or not less sharp than Harry Hole. 

I guess that also my personality - I identify more with Poirot than Harry Hole 🙂

Reflecting On Writing - 250th Post

In the movie 'Whale' Charlie teaches 'Creative Writing course' & One of the thing Charlie says to his students is 'BE HONEST IN YOUR WRITING'. 

Over last 17 years - there were occasions when I thought is it OK to write something which might be personal or something which will be liked by some folks or it should project a point of view which is right etc etc. But most of these are just thoughts or ideas in my mind, when I write my post it's more from my heart. I need to feel good after the post is done. That's my barometer of satisfaction.

In the process of writing initially even now I feel at times that more people should read my post - especially if I really like a post or enjoy writing it but I never write with that intention. That process is more for my LinkedIn posts as they are driven by purpose not some random thoughts which I write here in my blog. 

Blog went out of fashion I think 5 years back or more, I don't think anyone has the time to read - it's mostly see i.e video. So my writing is more for my clarity & posterity. With the hope that Google doesn't go bankrupt and these blogs survive in some server somewhere - I want to come back and read them and see what I went thru / felt / thought. 

My blog / writing is my truth. 

Whale, the movie & Father’s Day

One of the movies which I wanted to see since the OSCAR was announced was Whale starring Brendon Fraser for which he won the best actor award. I had only seen the trailers and it looked like an emotional roller coaster ride with a super obese Fraser. You can see it in SonyLiv.

It was not a happy movie to see on Father's Day but I think the need to complete my list of OSCAR winners was important. The movie is about Charlie reconnecting with his daughter Elle after 12 years. He had left the family when she was 8 years old because he fell in love with a guy who was his student. So, obviously his daughter hated him. 

He had put on enormous weight after his boyfriend died and cut himself off from the world. Staying in an apartment, ordering food teaching students online - he used to take classes on creative writing. Whatever he earned was kept in an account for Elle, which was his way of redeeming his sins. He could have used the money to treat himself but he refused to do so and preferred to die than use the money.

Typical father behavior - saving for their kids and then walking into the sunset. In my case I am more similar to Charlie as I also seem to have also isolated myself from the world after I quit last year. Not a very social person I would rather be with my book and movie than go to a birthday party. Good thing is, unlike Elle both my daughters love me and are kind enough to accept me as I am, in fact they encourage me to complete my bucket list and do what I want to.

Somewhere between school and college, I took the backseat and their MOM took charge of college, expenses, buying list, wish list, budget - everything. I guess I was struggling with my depression and high level of stress at work. Or maybe I was not just attentive enough, but from being head of family I became a person non grata - except for entertainment. It took some time to get used to this new status - I struggled but slowly the acceptance dawned that this is the new reality. I guess I am happy that they got what they wanted when they wanted. 

More Power to my Dolphins on Father’s Day from the Whale. Will surface when needed.

After we're gone ?

June 23

Every year when the kids used to go back to their boarding (Rishi Valley School), they had to select 10 photos for their term. Their term was for 6 months and we went to visit them once in the term. They will select these photos carefully or in a jiffy depending on when they remembered. In the first year when we visited then they were lined up in the inside of the almirah. Some other time it will be in between various books or on a shelf. At times we also found it in the form of a garland which had the photos clipped on it. 

We did not pay much attention to it. They were another tick box to a ‘going back to boarding’ list. After they went to college I started using their table (the picture of the softboard is on top). There are quotes - pictures & beautiful birthday cards with poetry as an ode to me or Reema. As I look at them I realise how important these were to them when they were at the boarding. There was no social media or sharing over mail so these photos were their lifeline to their family and moments of fun and laughter we all shared together in not a very distant past. 

Everytime, I sit there it’s a kind of nostalgic trip back when I see a pic taken during a trip or a very old photo when they were very small and posing for their best shot. As they came out of college, printouts became rare, photos remained digital and shared in the social media - where they are liked by many friends and commented on. 

A new world enveloped them but I am happy with the old world of printouts. 

Maybe, when we are gone they will come back to these printouts.