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There are a few movies, which keep ringing in your head even after you wake up almost from a dream like state, which you have been. As you linger back home and start getting into your daily routine, certain screens, dialogues, faces, music haunt you at times. Tare Zameen Par is one such movie. If not the best, it is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.
Some movies (or for that matter any creative expression like a book / play / ad) just fall in place because it seems everything happened so effortlessly – the location, music, lyrics, cinematography, acting... In facts hats off to the music and lyrics, every time I hear them, screens from the movie flash in front of my eyes. What I liked about the movie is that there was no jingoism – no heavy dialogues / lectures but simple expressions. It is one movie, which exploits the medium in its true sense.
I think all parents who saw it saw a picture of their life in the movie; others saw some glimpse of their childhood. The movie used the child as a medium to convey the obsessive nature of most parents; most of us don’t know where to draw the line. It also portrayed the state of expectation between members of the family. The way I was brought up 35 years back and the way bring up kids now one of the key difference I feel is that the expectations are too rational, objective, methodical, too goal / money oriented right from kindergarten. Earlier the expectation / dependency was only emotional and nothing else. Our parents had the strength to let go at one moment and pull us back at one moment.
In my days – small joys were just a sense of heightened emotion and not linked to a physical thing - Going to a “bada khana” in the Air Force Mess or seeing Star Trek on a Sunday (in a common ante room) was the highlight. There was no Barbie, Kurkere, DVD, multiplex, hotels. Now most of the joys experienced by kids comes pre-packaged and has to be acquired before they experience it.
So most parents are faced by a typical question/dilemma - How much is enough? What more can I do? From morning 5 till night 9pm life looks like a marathon. Many of us literally crash with a sense of exhaustion / desperation and probably a sense of dejection. And still there is no end in sight.
It’s a practical situation which all middle class, educated parents with ambition that they should give their best for their child face daily. Are they wrong? I don’t think so. I personally also go through the same dilemmas.
Most of us typically compartmentalize our goals – kids are very small, so let me (mother) be with them – I have to feed, change nappies…. once she starts going to play school I will rejoin and work harder and get that promotion due to me. As they start growing, they will make friends, they can read magazines, join classes…so they don’t need me much. But the expenses are going to double so I have to start working…also the future of my child is at stake. Question, which we typically overlook, is – What about his present? Will there be a future, if you are not there in his present?
Most of us also make decisions for a child based on the environment and not what is good or bad from their point of view - I should send the kids to crèche – it’s ok – they will become independent, kids should also understand that we are doing so much for them, they should be reasonable – they should understand I have add a tough day and let me have my space…. But they are kids, how can they think like you?
So Am I a perfect DAD. Ask my kids? No way, I have stumbled through the same path, taken a few hits, gone up and down guilt trips, had my bouts of depressions & helplessness. I still do.
But there are three things I seriously believe in
One - there are things you can control and there are certain things you can’t. Most of time we focus too much on things, which we can’t control. Once the decision is made you are on the other side – now see what best can be done.
Two – Act – don’t discuss, There will be many times when your point of view, way of doing things, your principles may not match with lot of people (mostly in the family) but if you believe in it just do it, try it out and junk it if it doesn’t work. Don’t get into this analysis – paralysis bit. Otherwise you will keep having discussions and no actions.
Three – I know all of us keep the kids in the center, but mostly from the long-term perspective. No. For them it’s the small thing, which matters…picking them early if wife can’t make it, going cycling, good night story etc etc.
In one of the New Year calendar, which I got, there was a quote – “Goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds. They can’t see the past, much less the future”. I wish all of us were like that……..no past no future – just the present!
