Turning 40 – Growing Young.

Last year, was like any other year. It had its share of highs and lows, yukky moments which I would like to forget, uplifting moments which I would like to remember every time when I close my eyes in despair.

But every year there are a few things which has changed forever what the writer’s say defining moments or inflection point of a man-son-husband-father’s mind…….Few such things are mentioned below…

Foremost I believe is what I call the fear psychosis which is now a reality and is living within us. When 9/11 happened, it was an unbelievable reality show which didn’t touch me – distant country (arrogant country – they have created enough such moments in history) .It was just another live show. When 26/11 happened I didn’t want to switch on the TV. The fact is “I never did”. I never saw a single frame of the telecast. As people across the world were glued to their TV set I was busy enjoying “Finding Nemo” with my kids or reading "Dance Dance” by Murakami.

The recent terror scenario is not a distant scenario happening to somebody out there it’s happening to you and me. When the bomb blasts happened in Bangalore, I had confirmed tickets to Hyderabad but we could not catch the train as there was no cab which would take us to the station.

When I board the next flight, the thought “I hope I come back alive is not a joke it’s a reality”. Doesn’t mean I will shut myself up and vegetate but I guess I will be prepared for the same. For me it’s a defining moment I want to live up life every day, every moment. Do things, I have never done before…..Who knows what’s in store for me.
Health – Exactly 13 months before my 40th birthday someone close went through quite a lot of pain for no fault of hers. And I was also going through bouts of cold / cough doctor again sore throat doctor cycle. I still remember the date 1st Nov last year I decided “To hell with it I will not go to the doctor I will treat myself back to health and since then I have not taken any antibiotics. But I know at least 10 families in my proximity where in some one has expired because of wrong medicine treatment, detected with cancer or had a heart attack / stroke. Most of them were quite cautious in their approach to life not smoking, drinking, thinking types. But that is just one part of the story……I also know the amount of money which has gone in trying to avoid such incidents and the emotional trauma which these people have gone thru during those days.

Those who had the money went to the best doctors and probably had the satisfaction that could pay back the time, money, effort, heart and soul their parents had put in to bring them up, those who didn’t have the money didn’t have the time to blink and the moment was gone. They were back to their grind. But there are the famed middle class of India who inspired to go to best doctors and probably did, but by the time they got the bill they realized they were living in a fool’s paradise and a false security which the group insurance of various companies provide and which is grossly inadequate. So now they will be paying off these debts for next few years.

Unfortunately, none of them could stop the inevitable. None of them had the answer to the question “How much is enough ?” Neither do I, but I will never ask this question again. Over the years I have observed that what’s gonna happen will happen.
Just go with the flow.

Do your jogging, have your gulab jamun if you love it and see two movies back to back if Jason Bourne is starring in it. Going groggy eyed for the next day meeting is OK if you have satisfied your inner urge to see a movie.

Satisfy your soul today, who knows what tomorrow’s headline will bring in your doorstep.

Be More....

For me, it’s about what more can I do for people around me…..

My daughters who are growing up so fast that at times they make me feel I am extinct. Imagine an 8 yr asking u for an I POD, not a stereo player, not a TV….While we got our first TV when I was in class 10. Till then it was the air force mess, black & white TV and the evergreen Chitrahaar. While the IPOD will come I am sure….swimming on Saturday, movies on Sunday, a trek or a circus……and above all the 5 minutes I spend talking to them daily in the breakfast table, in the school bus stand and before they goes to sleep is how I try to be more to them

My lovely wife, for whom a chance dinner outside on a Sunday or a “No Entry” in kitchen on a Saturday & Sunday, is almost like a dinner in Taj, or a 2 day trip to Goa. These moments snatched from the daily grind of working couple life is how I try to be more.

My ageing parents, whom I also visit when I visit the South Ex store in Delhi, helps them go back to those days when I used to come back home once a year from my Engineering College. When before I rang the bell and touched their feet I could actually smell the fish fry …… When I visit them I am that lost growing up kid once again and those few hours spent before I board the flight means a lot more to them than any other luxury / gifts which I give them.

For people around, guiding a blind foreigner to a toilet in the BIAL airport, helping an old couple to a taxi when they can’t find one in Delhi airport at midnight or holding a kid’s hand in a mall where she is lost….I feel and experience life beyond my family and work.

As far as I am concerned, reading my Murakami, seeing a late night movie, adding to my blog or few pages to my long awaited novel defines ME and I.

Be More is a reason for all of us to live life beyond the routine existence and celebrate every moment we live.

As we move from a radio to a walkman to an ipod ....the moments are passing by…as John Lennon says….”Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

World Movie & Sultans of Cinema

Thanx to World Movies, and Zee Studio, I had the opportunity to get a taste of international movies. Francois Truffaut, Wong Kar Wai, Kurosawa, Ingmar Berman etc. Also some amazing martial arts film like Hero & House of Daggers, don’t know who the directors were of the same. I am not a martial arts buff probably the only movie which in this realm of crouching tigers….The martial art sequences were almost like “poetry in motion”.

Truffault is like a nice story teller, most of his movies I saw were almost like seeing short stories. Some are intense, some were mysterious and some are just funny. I loved watching all of them especially 400 Blows which partly is loosely based on his growing up years.

Wong Kar Wai, on the other hand is very-very intense. It’s a different kind of movie like Kurosawa. I mean haven’t something like that before, cinematography, music, even the environment. Today I saw “In the mood for Love”, in which the claustrophobic rooms were used to (apparently) depict the trapped feelings which the protagonists were going through.

As I see these movies, I also read up about these directors on the net which explains a lot about why’s of the movie like Wong started as a graphic designer which is why most of his movies are visually so arresting and how he uses color palette so much so that each scenes looks like painting…

Truffault had a tough time as he grew up, served time in army, was a critic in a film magazine before he started what is known as “French New Wave movement” which rejected the traditional cinema structure..

Both these artists (and I guess most of the so called gurus…) didn’t have too many hits, blockbusters but for most them movie was an outlet, a form of expression of what they think, what they went through in their life.

I feel most of the good creative work i.e. books or movies borrows strongly on their self ….or maybe I like it that way.

World Movie & Sultans of Cinema

Silence

Silence, a companion…

Silence is like a constant companion, when I am jogging, exercising or walking to and from office. A truncated thought which got lost in the craziness of the day would come out from nowhere and start knocking your head. With nothing to do your mind grabs it like a 2 year old will grasp a new toy and start licking it and looking at it from all directions. I might not reach conclusion but mind just tires looking at all possibilities and chuck the thought as I ring the bell….

Silence and Anger

For me anger is silence, but this is a different kind of silence, it’s like a dark thick liquid, and like your bile (I haven’t seen it). It is like a tight fist of a boxer or stretched muscles of an athlete before his 100 m dash. It’s a very intense and at times pushes for a physical action like u keep running till u drop.

Books, Movies & Silence

Reading a book or seeing a movie (which I like) is almost like meditation for me. That’s the only time I am one with what I am doing. These are the times when I want silence to envelope me so that nothing can come between me and my passion. Mostly (in my current state of affairs) these moments are post 10 pm. This silence continues even after I finish reading a book or seeing a movie, it’s like I am engulfed in a bubble with all characters surrounding me. It lingers on till sleep engulfs me. These are the most beautiful moments…..in my day.

Silence and Misunderstanding

Silence is also misunderstood a lot. In a relationship silence is not golden it’s the first step for a misunderstanding to start. Many times you plan something, visualize something and expect a certain course of action…..imagining in your mind, I will do all these and probably delight her. Not knowing the other person or thinks something but maybe totally different and at the moment of action, surprise, delight just the opposite happens….which shuts you up completely. Both people in their thought and expected action have gone so far that now they can’t pull back or explain to each other…..So each goes into their own deep silence till….

Master silence and you will master life….

The art of short story writing

In recent days, I have been under a short story attack. I read - Unaccustomed Earth – Jhumpa Lahiri, The Japanese Wife – Kunal Basu, The Elephant Vanishes & After the Quake – Haruki Murakami and also a collection of short stories by famous oldies like Graham Greene, Norman Mailer etc

No particular reason for picking them up, Jhumpa Lahiri and Murakami are my favorite authors, Kunal Basu – for the hype and the other one I saw it in our apartment library and thought I will give it a shot. Jhumpa Lahiri was the first and probably I got inspired by that, but after yesterday I felt I am not the short story type.

I am kind of a person who needs to get intimately involved with the characters, the plot, the situation and a short story if not well written is almost like an anti climax which is what happened with few stories in Japanese Wife & Elephant Vanishes. It’s like the author has so much to say but suddenly it just switches off.

On the other hand, Unaccustomed Earth as well as her first book – Maladies, you don’t get that feeling. Her writing is all about the finer details of existing emotions, trapped emotions, I almost get the feeling that she is lingering on every single thought / emotion which is running through a father or a daughter’s mind. And it’s beautifully articulated. There is a kind of style and elegance even in each every sentence. Importantly she can draw a canvas which to me it feels complete. Basu fails miserably in creating that grandeur of emotional upheavals

Murakami, on the other hand is a great story teller, different style but all his big stories / novels are written in a manner that many times I must have read a book till morning 6, made a cup of coffee to re align my senses then groggy eyed started waking up my kids. In a sense it is gripping….not because it is hurtling towards a specific end like a crime novel but more….in terms of the character his / her journey. Some stories in after the quake & elephant vanishes had a similar feel, but I still prefer the Murakami who wrote Norwegian Woods & Chronicles.

But, in the short story genre, I am great fan of Holmes and Felu da (Satyajit Ray) I guess the investigative / detective genre, has a start and an end but in both these case there is also a strong character who is residing in your mind, to whom you are giving shape when you are reading a new story (Part 2 of Unaccustomed Earth does that by creating characters who are linked by different situations).

Anyways, for the time being I am off this genre……but as they say book / music / movies….are like beaches and mountains. You keep going back to them because the sand, the sky and the mountains by nature are the same, but every time you go there you see a new picture.

Delhi da Culture

2 weeks back I was heading for Delhi to do an event from Bangalore.

At Bangalore:
I called the city taxi at 6am in the morning. The call was taken in 2 rings. The cab was there at 5.45 am, the driver called me from my flat’s security desk and waited patiently for 20 minutes, wished me when I was there. Through out the 20 mts drive, he was a smiling happy person – who in general makes a passenger or an unknown person comfortable. When we reached the airport he offered to carry my luggage, I refused. He insisted that I take the bill and gave me one. I pleasantly checked in and got cocooned in my music.

In Delhi:
I wanted to reach South Ex by 10 am, so I called the Taxi Stand and you are welcomed by the typical “Kahaan jaana hain….No Good Morning etc, he kept me on hold shouted at 2-3 drivers asking who wants to go. Then he said, the cab will reach. I asked how much – he said 250, I said OK (I had done a background check with my folks on the cost of cab and it was around 250 – 275…so I didn’t bargain otherwise I was all geared up with the information, and ready to argue). When I said give me a bill, I was told “We don’t waste money for small bills, we make bills only for 500/- and above” I decided, no point of arguing and let go.

The cab came half an hr late, once stopped – it didn’t start for 20 minutes, when we reached South Ex, he parked the car in a NO Parking Zone and refused to give 10 bucks change because the Police guy was ready to challan him 600 bucks. His argument was “For your 10 bucks I will loss 600 bucks.”

Same service but 2 experiences, which are poles apart. Questions is

Was I shocked? The answer is straight “No” without blinking. I have stayed in Delhi for 5 years and I know this is the fabric of Delhi. Argue, negotiate, bargain, look smart, party hard. When I step out in the morning I know I am stepping into a war zone.

In all my training sessions in Delhi
– the worse scenarios always came in Delhi. Even if I debug my software for few weeks, I know this is the place I have to watch out there because they will have some via media to achieve their objective. (Jugaad is the word)
– The team in delhi would be always more aggressive, more enthusiastic and which is extremely positive for the program owner because it spreads positive energy around

Although I have stayed in Delhi for 5 years I always hated the place and wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

But having stepped out – I miss the energy, the aggression, that Punjabi dosti yaari, daaru shaaru wala culture. There was some kind of vitality, everyone was driven by a personal agenda and they showed it upfront giving a damn about anything else.

Although I used to hate the 2 hr drive from Gurgaon to Kalkaji, I will never forget the beer bottle(s) & egg bhuji, which my co-passenger will pick up from the Gurgaon check post.

Is the grass always green on the other side or am I just being nostalgic? Ki farak painda, blog hi to hain?

(Above pic of RDB – probably the best tribute to the delhi culture in recent times)

Gifted and Chowringhee

Few days back I finished 2 beautiful books – Gifted by Nikita Lalwani and Chowringhee by Shankar.

Gifted is a poignant story of a kid who is gifted (in terms of her Mathematical ability) and her relationship with her father who almost pushes / trains her like the Russians used to create Olympic champions….How she rebels, how her teenage insecurities come into being etc etc. The beauty of the book is in it’s poignancy…..

I liked it because I too have a kid who is 8 years and could relate to the rebellious streak portrayed in the book. Many times what seems very superficial to you as a father or mother actually has a very deep rooted belief in the daughter’s mind. When my daughter keeps saying she wants to see TZP day in and day out instead of a Barbie movie …..you can sense there’s something amiss. After a lot of cajoling I realize that TZP is the hot topic of discussion in school and my daughter can’t participate because she has not seen it. In our mind ……it’s just another movie but for her that 10 mnt discussion in canteen / bus is the highlight of the day…..

The beauty of the book is in it’s poignancy…..even if you are not a father or a mother read it and you will relate it to your growing up years…

Chowringhee on the other hand is a beautiful book. The obvious question is scenery / painting / drawing can be beautiful - how can a book be beautiful. I don’t know I felt it that way….being a Bong and reading about Calcutta, the description of the places where I have been (when I was staying in Cal) the Bengali characters, the tumultuous relationships. Its story telling at it’s best. If you are a Bong ….who wants to experience Calcutta….read it.

I loved the book so much that I am hunting for the movie version of the same, starring Uttam Kumar.

Blood in my hand

A month back or so my 4 year old daughter had an accident. By the time I reached the hospital…..I could hardly see her face. There was blood all over her face, hair and dress….I could just see her eyes which shone as soon as she saw me and I could read “Papa is here, it will be fine”.

For me, this was the first time any one of my kids was hit so badly and I almost felt my heart stop….It is difficult to explain. "God! Let her be fine!" That’s the first word which came to my throat.

For next 1 hr I held her tightly as 12 stitches were put in her fore head. I could literally see the needle go inside the skin and blood oozing out of the skin….The only time I remember something like that was in First Blood some 15 years back….

When we reached home, put Joyee on bed and were coming out of our shell shocked state I saw her tugging my shirt. When I bent down she asked “So tomorrow I am not going to school”. ‘Ya’ I said….She continued “Can Di stay back.....”…..I knew what was coming…..With in 15 minutes the whole house was back in the usual state of arguments / fight over some toy….etc etc.

At night, when the family was asleep and I was star gazing from my balcony, two thoughts struck me – One, the resilience of a 5 year old, I was sure by next day morning she will have no clue on what hit her and what happened. Two – the importance of being a Papa……That look on her face when the stitches were being put, I was holding her and she kept screaming Papa, Papa…..I will never forget that till I die. I know 10 – 15 year down the line she will grow up and go…..but whenever I see that mark on her fore head she will again become a 4 yr old in my eyes.

Typically, we (i.e. me and my wife) and kids slip in separate rooms. But that night we all huddled together under the quilt. Smell of dettol & antiseptic still lingering in the room I could feel that warmth called family physically in the air.

I desperately wanted to hold on to it and make believe that this will last for rest of my life…but then the alarm rang and the list of the day started ticking on my head……..

Tare Zameen Paar

There are a few movies, which keep ringing in your head even after you wake up almost from a dream like state, which you have been. As you linger back home and start getting into your daily routine, certain screens, dialogues, faces, music haunt you at times. Tare Zameen Par is one such movie. If not the best, it is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

Some movies (or for that matter any creative expression like a book / play / ad) just fall in place because it seems everything happened so effortlessly – the location, music, lyrics, cinematography, acting... In facts hats off to the music and lyrics, every time I hear them, screens from the movie flash in front of my eyes. What I liked about the movie is that there was no jingoism – no heavy dialogues / lectures but simple expressions. It is one movie, which exploits the medium in its true sense.

I think all parents who saw it saw a picture of their life in the movie; others saw some glimpse of their childhood. The movie used the child as a medium to convey the obsessive nature of most parents; most of us don’t know where to draw the line. It also portrayed the state of expectation between members of the family. The way I was brought up 35 years back and the way bring up kids now one of the key difference I feel is that the expectations are too rational, objective, methodical, too goal / money oriented right from kindergarten. Earlier the expectation / dependency was only emotional and nothing else. Our parents had the strength to let go at one moment and pull us back at one moment.

In my days – small joys were just a sense of heightened emotion and not linked to a physical thing - Going to a “bada khana” in the Air Force Mess or seeing Star Trek on a Sunday (in a common ante room) was the highlight. There was no Barbie, Kurkere, DVD, multiplex, hotels. Now most of the joys experienced by kids comes pre-packaged and has to be acquired before they experience it.

So most parents are faced by a typical question/dilemma - How much is enough? What more can I do? From morning 5 till night 9pm life looks like a marathon. Many of us literally crash with a sense of exhaustion / desperation and probably a sense of dejection. And still there is no end in sight.

It’s a practical situation which all middle class, educated parents with ambition that they should give their best for their child face daily. Are they wrong? I don’t think so. I personally also go through the same dilemmas.

Most of us typically compartmentalize our goals – kids are very small, so let me (mother) be with them – I have to feed, change nappies…. once she starts going to play school I will rejoin and work harder and get that promotion due to me. As they start growing, they will make friends, they can read magazines, join classes…so they don’t need me much. But the expenses are going to double so I have to start working…also the future of my child is at stake. Question, which we typically overlook, is – What about his present? Will there be a future, if you are not there in his present?

Most of us also make decisions for a child based on the environment and not what is good or bad from their point of view - I should send the kids to crèche – it’s ok – they will become independent, kids should also understand that we are doing so much for them, they should be reasonable – they should understand I have add a tough day and let me have my space…. But they are kids, how can they think like you?

So Am I a perfect DAD. Ask my kids? No way, I have stumbled through the same path, taken a few hits, gone up and down guilt trips, had my bouts of depressions & helplessness. I still do.

But there are three things I seriously believe in

One - there are things you can control and there are certain things you can’t. Most of time we focus too much on things, which we can’t control. Once the decision is made you are on the other side – now see what best can be done.

Two – Act – don’t discuss, There will be many times when your point of view, way of doing things, your principles may not match with lot of people (mostly in the family) but if you believe in it just do it, try it out and junk it if it doesn’t work. Don’t get into this analysis – paralysis bit. Otherwise you will keep having discussions and no actions.

Three – I know all of us keep the kids in the center, but mostly from the long-term perspective. No. For them it’s the small thing, which matters…picking them early if wife can’t make it, going cycling, good night story etc etc.

In one of the New Year calendar, which I got, there was a quote – “Goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds. They can’t see the past, much less the future”. I wish all of us were like that……..no past no future – just the present!