What does dream mean to you?

What does your dream mean to you? Do you chase it with all your passion till the time it comes true. Does it evoke the same passion day in day out till you achieve it or do you reach a point when you say. “This is it! It was good to have one! But now let me live life the way millions of others living”. I am sure we dream – but most of us live life without realizing our dream. Which is perfectly fine.

La La Land pushes you to re-kindle your dreams (your passion). It takes you back to the days when you were growing up you believed in your passion and wanted to do something which your heart believed in. Part musical – with an excellent cast (well matched), lovely photography, colorful location, haunting music and a simple storyline (Disneyish) – it was a pleasure to sit through 2 hrs. We all knew the answer – that their dreams will come true but as the story plays out in front of you – you adore every scene, every words spoken or sung, the detailing, timing, the thought which went behind the movie.

I remembered my growing up daughters a lot –

At 13 Joyee is still in her world of doctors, pilots, & teacher. It’s the flavor of season – what she reads, sees her friend’s experiences. There is a world of possibilities in her eyes. Dream on Girl! Few more years before the world starts dictating terms to you. Fill your heart with dreams so that you can make it come true.

At 16, Niki after making her first major decision of taking science (although she is brilliant in art – father’s confession) after Xth is realizing the enormity of XIIth exams (in India) and I can see that her dreams and now being shaped a lot by the world outside tilting towards rational choices, balancing the real versus her heart (dream), the possible future as defined by the world at large.

At 47 – the only dream I have is to help my daughters realize their passion. I want to do lot of things but these are mostly goals to push you to live life fully or making sense of a life over run by chaos at work (startup experience - anyone!!), roads (Bangalore – phew!!) & life in general (too many voices in my head). I did my 10 K under 60 as promised to me in the beginning of 2016. I hope to do at least one 21k in 2017. I have goals towards writing and doing social work. Yes I am passionate about all the 3 - running, writing and serving. But if it does not happen – So be it. I am not going to drown myself in one of the last surviving lakes of Bangalore.

So did I have dream and did I abandon it?

Well one of the dream I had was to make a film where dreams come true, seeing which people feel inspired to do something - La La Land is probably nearest to my dream coming true & hence the post before Monday blues hit me.

In 70’s when I grew up -  and 80’s when I finished my schooling and then college in early 90’s – the only constant was movies. From staying back late to watch the movies / repeat telecast of Oscar awards in our first Weston B & W shoe box TV, noting down names so that I can cajole my uncles to take me to see English movies, to borrowing VHS & a video player from video library to see pathetic prints of English movies to watching movies in Lumiere / World Movies which ushered in the world of movies to my TV screens to ensure that I see all Oscar / National Award nominated movies every year. My DVD shelf is always full and at any time will have at least 25 unseen movies.

My most admired / inspired person (read HERO)of the year is Hemanth who after 20 years of struggle – from editing / directing serials, to make corporate A/V’s to commercials (not the ones which you and I would have seen), to make a film which got an international award last year – I truly understand what it means to pursue your dream especially when it comes to movies (& in India).

Movies has been my only constant in all my ups and downs in life (in addition to books n music of course). Because it is only A movie which can bring it all together – create a world within your world where you can immerse yourself and stay their untouched by whatever is happening or not happening in your life. That’s the power of a cinema.

But I did not chase my passion in it’s true meaning – was never sure I can make films and make money. Living in scarcity helped me make my decision. But while I never chose to make a film but films chose me in many ways as I lived my life.

Being in advertising & marketing gave me a ring side view of film making - making the hilarious A/V’s for launch of a product or making a film for a business meet or sitting in an editing room from Mumbai to Trivandrum (Asianet studio) and doing the brand logo swipe – I cherished every moment. Spending 30k on a Sony Handycam – in 2001 even before the digital camera came into play so I could shoot my daughters growing.

I do not have any regret. I am living my life fully without any compromise but films like La La Land tugs your heart strings and re-kindles those innocent moments when you would close your eyes and tap dancers would come from nowhere.

Let me do that once last time who knows this time it might just be for real. And yes…I am going to fish out those SONY tapes and see if I can recreate some nostalgic moments.

S(h)ankranti and what I learnt from Baba today?

It was a hard day although it was a Friday which started at 5.30 am and ravaged by multiple meetings and (I must say this) relatively low Bangalore traffic I reached home by 7 and the only thing I had in mind was to curl up in my bed and go to sleep.

It’s only when I went to say Hi! To Baba and saw the twinkle in his eyes that I realized that today is Shankranti and he was all set for the peetha (Bengali sweet will not do justice to it.). He is 76 got operated for lung cancer exactly a year back and still recovering from multiple sessions of chemo and radio therapy.

Keeping the tradition alive: He grew up in a place surrounded by paddy fields, kicking a football made of rags, walking a few kilometers to go to school, having rice 3 times a day, catching fish and of course celebrating Shankranti by making peetha the previous night which would be savored the next day. We are in 2017 and since 50 years this tradition has been followed in our house every single year.

I moved out of my house in 19 87, many a years I will receive a parcel (from Assam / Delhi) which has some kind of peetha in them. And when he is around like now – it will be night out for me and him. The beauty in the whole thing is that it is not at all about having the sweets (he is diabetic), but it is about the family or my office bong colleagues who miss the peethe which they used to have at home before they got uprooted.

With the new generation starting to live on – Swiggy delivered meals, the joy and tradition of making the peethe and enjoying the togetherness may just remain a Facebook post which all of us will like and feel nostalgic about.

Passion & Focus creates energy: It’s amazing to see this enthusiasm in him – it’s almost like a drug for him. He will buy all ingredients in advance, plan everything meticulously so that nothing falls short on this day. A body ravaged by chemo get’s abundant energy on these days which is difficult to explain scientifically but I have seen it with me and many of my friends when you just sleep for 3 hrs but get up full of energy to reach the set and start shooting (just joking) and start working on something you left incomplete at night. It’s simple – when heart is passionate & mind is focused energy is created. 

Perfection: Maybe it’s virtue or a code we all live with. Making peethe is not an easy task. All the bongs who tried making them can sympathize with me (as I tried and failed miserably) rest of you have to take my word for it. The sweet has to taste right, it has to be of certain texture, color, it has to balloon right. He will keep on trying till he gets the perfect shape and size. Till then I have to console him that it’s going to be ok. Maybe some leadership lesson in being second in command when you cheer your leader from ringside before he gets into the board meeting. I am experiencing too many of them in recent times so I will leave it at that.

Innovation / Experimentation/ Kaizen: Even after making peethe for 50 years, this year he tried 2 new dishes which he saw in TV, discussed with his family in Assam on the key ingredients and possible problem areas. It’s an inspiration to see him in kitchen – there are some tips he picked up from TV, some from bangla cook books he read and  few from his aunts back home in Assam – all of them has to come together to make the perfect peethe.

Maybe I am just over reacting to create a blog post, but with the internet, you tube, TV (I know it’s dead now) you are inundated with information, articles, philosophy – but we all go back to our desk and do the same thing day in day out after a momentary A-Ha. I loved seeing the TED Talks till I asked myself ‘Why I am seeing this’? What next.

Things will change if we put what we all see, observe, learn every day in a the broth and stir it to solve a problem with a bit of objectivity. I know Ayan Rand will be turning in her grave but I feel it’s easy to shrug off this feeling of too much is happening around me but if you want to change things - Get up & Go now.

Thanks Baba.

Train Journey and relationship status…

Being together without nowhere to go – physically & virtually (limited signal) one get’s to observe beautifully where we are in our relationship – a true measure of love (cycle) maybe.

Couple of 60+: They are the most blessed and the love curve has done a full circle. They are falling in love again. Constantly chatting, listening to music (I heard a couple listening to Gulzar) talking to their grandsons and daughters. Always ready to talk, share and give advice they are full of life. Rediscovering new places, meeting old friends, going for marriages – life has taken a fresh new start. Assuring their children that they are safe and fine – somebody is coming to pick up and everything is arranged they are in my mind the blessed ones who are living life to the fullest and taking one day at a time. Cheers!

Couples in the age of 45 – 60: Too much water have passed under the bridge, kids have grown up – approaching teen. They are busy with their music / sleeping / reading and doing their own thing. Wife – tired from her trip and dreading the check list in the near future when she reaches – catches up on her sleep. Husband – left to his own reads or gazes out of the window, thinking how we used to talk, play games, cuddle up have fun…maybe we will do some of it in the next few hours left. A trip which one dreamt of having fun, re-energizing relationships / bonding seeming to end up covering the distance between 2 stations.

Couples in the age of 35 – 45: For these couples the child is the king or queen. With the child’s age ranging from 3 – 7 year olds, they drive the couples behaviour. Ipad, Mobile games, movies on laptop. Technology seems to be a key entertainment and that’s what they want & get from the harassed parents who catch their breath and get few winks of sleep if they are able to get away from a child who was supposed to be bundle of joy and they do not know when they turned into a bundle of harassment. I do sympathize with them – but I also know that “This too shall pass!”

Couples in the age band of 25 – 35: Fresh into marriage there is a sense of adventure, learning more about each other – mind and bodies, so they feel better sharing their birth (as in the train birth) and dumping all their luggage in one, talking – chatting – laughing – talking about things which has happened at home or near past and thinking about new things to do in the coming days. Life is full of colours and meaning. Living it up is the mantra while they discover each other.

Monkeying Around...Don't miss my mohac

Teenagers going to adulthood: Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! (In train)They find meaning in staying awake at night listening to music and sleeping in the morning. They have a mind (developing) of their own and want to do things there way. They respect their parent and their choice but they want to do their own thing within the boundaries laid out by then. It’s difficult to figure out beyond this.

Child entering into teen: The spirit is that of child but the mind is growing up and hence while they want to snuggle up with their parents in their birth and chat but their developing independent mind tells them to listen to the songs in their parent’s old phone. There are also the ones with a sense of responsibilities attempt to finish their homework. There is an interesting struggle which one sees and smiles.

Old Men 60+ travelling in groups: There seem to be resurgence of spirit and they will get down at most stations to stretch their legs – talking loudly among themselves. Also trying out new things like oranges in Nagpur. Getting into train as it starts moving…Phew. Sometime I felt a lurch in my heart as they did these heroics but they were a good bunch of people to have around us as they would lift the entire spirit by their constant chatter and activity. Let’s enjoy today who know’s if tomorrow will come.

Old men 60+ travelling alone: Gazing out of the window, contemplating the future whose end is not very far and a past which is like a never ending road travelled and is lost in the sandstorms of life. They are travelling to stay in the same place.

As I mentioned in my previous post – on History & the influence of Historians. The observations made above are my interpretation and mine only. For some time, during our train journey - I was left on my own - hence the frame of reference is important. Abandoned by my teenage daughters – I got under the skin of some of the characters around me in my compartment and discovered multiple worlds spread around me.

Anthropology Anyone!

(PS: More on Anthropology & Films coming soon)

Who is normal ?

One of the lovely quotes from the book..

In ‘A sense of ending’. The author says ‘To understand the history it’s very important to understand who the historian is. Because History is written from a historian’s perspective.’ I feel the same way for any author/director/musician so on and so on forth. I always go back to the originator (author, director, musician and any other creator) to understand his or her perspective  also try to understand the origin of thought (if any). With wiki and the web it has become very easy to do the same.

But as I finished ‘The curious incident of the dog in the night time’ By Mark Haddon – I did not have access to net and for once I wanted to write my feelings towards the book as raw as it could be. Typically there are lot of incidents which happen between the finishing of the book and writing about the same. Although few specific thoughts always linger in your mind regarding a specific book but the full impact can be experienced around the time you finish the book.

The curious incident of the dog in the night time;

It takes some time for the book to grow on you. The beginning of the book is made

interesting with a mystery dog killing and the reasoning behind that is also explained quite nicely. In a nutshell the book gives a peek into a 15 year old’s mind – but his is not a regular mind but a child who has some kind of psychological problem (later I learned it as Asperger's Syndrome) which has nothing to do with intelligence but to do with dealing with people which includes his parents and public places. Maybe there is a syndrome for the same but I am not aware of the same at this point.

The whole book is about what the boy is thinking in his mind and how he is coping with the external world. He has his own explanation for everything – including life. The book is nicely illustrated with examples of puzzles or drawing of a cow or station – how the boy sees it in his head. He is extremely intelligent and understands Maths better than me at least and has a photographic memory. It was amazing when he explained – how what a normal person can see vs what he saw when they looked at the same field. The kind of detail which he can see probably none of us can see. That’s because when we see something we also think if ‘back home the pressure cooker is on?’ while he just sees.

He lives in terror because he cannot let people touch him – if they do he shouts, including his parents, they have to win his confidence before they can communicate with him. When he goes inside a station he see too many things so that he cannot differentiate what is important and what is not and hence prioritize his input in some sense – so he sees all signage’s of brands and instructions in one form and his mind goes blank, he cannot stand loud noises and whenever he is scared he starts doing complex maths in his mind. Once he almost gets killed because he chases his pet rat in the underground and almost gets run over by a train.

But despite all his shortcomings, he speaks the truth most of the time unless he tells white lies which he explains why he does that. In some sense the normal people like his father and mother behave in a much worse way – so that they cannot stay together and get separated with the child in father’s custody who lies that his mother is dead.

In one of my previous experience – when I had gone to a blind school. Before I could step out of my car, I was blind folded and then I had to cross the road to reach the building, have my initial interactions with people, use the toilet, eat food, experience the walls of the buildings, try to visualise a painting ….all blind folded.

My first reaction was of panic. It required a complete change in orientation of the way I do things for many days that feeling of helplessness stayed with me and it changed my perception of how a differently able person manages his daily life (at a basic level) and then how does he go to the next level of studying, experiencing so many things which we normal people do – books, movies. Plays, shows etc. And how callous are we design a toilet in office or a railway station or an airport.

I think in some way the author is gently asking us the question – 

Who is normal & Who is not? A father who lies to keep custody of his son or a son who braves all his shortcomings in search of his dead mother... 

Some thoughts from the author 

here.https://www.theguardian.com/books/2004/apr/11/booksforchildrenandteenagers.features3 

Cassettes & Memories

My most treasured possession as I grew up was my cassettes. It traveled from one house to another. In my school days the collection was small and would fit in a few shoe boxes, as I grew up it occupied more and more space – from shoe box to carton to a wall lined with cassettes.

I think the first Tape recorder which we got was a Philips mono player when I was in my middle school. Most cassettes were Bangla which my kaku’s (uncle) got from Kolkata. I started listening to Rabindra Sangeet, Adhunik Songs by Hemanth Kumar, Runa Laila and there were some lovely plays, stand-up comedy. There were also Hindi music – but mostly maa would choose them from recent movied. It’s only in Xth when we got the TV (before that TV viewing was limited to Air Force Club House) and I got introduced to Grammy Awards that I bought few English cassettes – Probably it was Madonna – Like a virgin, MJ – Bad, Wham.

By XIth / XIIth – I had a sizeable collection of cassettes and before leaving home for my engineering college – my most prized possession was my Walkman (again Philips – that was the only brand). Since then I always had a personal music playing system with me – multiple Walkman, CD player, car stereo (which held me in good stead in my 2 hr+ drives in Delhi) and since last 10 years it has been mostly mp3/4 and in recent days streaming through you tube, sound buzz, apps – gaana, wynk, Saawn (introduced to me my daughters!!). Earlier I walk the streets of Vijayawada where I did my engineering college with an empty cassette and list so that somebody could record my favorite songs, now I surf the apps and make my playlist and keep them online so I can play it from anywhere in the world.

But can these play lists replace the lingering memories of every single cassettes. For a long time music which is my soul – these cassettes were my life line:

Me & My cassettes ...Goodbye!

In all my travels, personal or family, from Kanpur to Vijayawada to Arunachal Pradesh to Assam to Delhi to Dalhousie…my Walkman will be in my pocket or backpack to give me company in my moments of loneliness.

In all my parties – solo, couple, family, group, large gatherings – my cassettes have played nonstop making people laugh, cry, brood.

From my first ride on my Wagon R with Reema to both my kids being born to 1 lac km’s which my Wagon R drove – we played songs from movies, to rock concerts, to Ravi Shankar to Gazals to Krishnamurty to Guruji speaking to Gayatri mantra, to nursery rhymes – as the wheels of the car started moving the cassette got inserted into the player...nonstop till 3 years back when I bid adieu to my beloved Wagon R.

Now a days, I still treasure the time when I listen to the Bangla songs or few rare Hindi songs, gazals which I play in my 12 yr old 5 in 1 Philips player once a week.They bring back memories of a time gone by...

These are not cassettes but these are moments of my life which got imprinted on the brown tapes along with the words written painstakingly by the writer and the sang from the deepest recess of the singers soul. As I wipe the dust off these cassettes trying to decide what to keep & what not to keep – I keep travelling back in time remembering the story behind each of them….thousand songs in your pocket neatly tucked in an app cannot replace this.

Running Logs 4 - My first 10K!!

Finally! A promise made to myself comes true. 45 days delayed but I am happy I could do it. Last few blogs tells my story of running. Started – Injured – Started – Discontinued – Restarted – Finish Line.

At Auroville after the run.

Yes’ It’s been a tough battle. On 15^th August 2015 – I restarted my journey, thinking I will do half / 10k. On 1^st September I joined a start-up, in October my father got detected by cancer, by Nov end I was desperate that it is now or never. On my birthday – 4^th Dec I registered for 10k @ Auroville, knowing that 10k is my only chance.

When I hit the finish line @ 58.39 seconds. The experience was worth every single battle I fought with myself. I never thought I will do 10k below 1 hr but I did it. I know there are many of us who want to run, it’s probably the most basic sports – which just needs a pair of shoes & practice.

In my process of completing this run. I learnt a few things:

Venkat - It’s all in the mind: When Venkat started me off on this journey a year back, he had written only 1 thing in the book he gifted me – It’s all in the mind! I think that’s the starting point. As I had mentioned in my previous blog – the biggest reason for any success is “how sincere are you to your goal”? Your doggedness to do your practice, see how you can avoid injuries, come back from your sickness & depression, learn from the existing runners – you have to be motivated all the time & stay focused on your objective. There were many days – when I would have slept only for 3 or 4 hrs after an outstation trip or a long day at work & did not feel like getting up – but every run @ Cubbon Park refreshed me & charged me up for the next run.  

Cubbon Gang - The smile says it all.

The Cubbon Gang – Run with friends: One of the big reason I could finish the run was because of my running friends with whom I started my morning jogs, walks, discussions. I am one of those persons who prefers to do it alone. But being part of a group really helped as all of us were chasing the same dream & we motivated each other, discussed our problems and had fun. The beauty of a group is that the sprit is infectious, we started as 3 people going from Natasha to Cubbon Park – now there are 7 – 10 of us, we take selfies every week & share it on our WhatsApp group, we recently started swimming and planning for cycling – football etc. I keep egging my colleagues at work to join me for the run at the park, share my experiences with them – once you do it, you want others to experience the success. A sense of nobility comes which is lacking in most of our robotic life.

Run Keeper – Measure your goals: From a simple data like “no of rounds of our apartment” to “no of km” is a big change. It’s critical to know where you are. When I did my first 5k I knew exactly how much more effort is needed before I reach 10K. Also run keeper’s constant voice on my head phone – total distance covered & time taken / km helped me pace up or down my effort during the run. It’s also important not to overdo it. When I was starting up – I downloaded videos, did warm up & cool down exercises, measure my food – sleep – exercise details etc. After some time I just walked / ran did specific exercises which helped the weaker portions of my body & kept a broader target of doing 5k / 7k etc in the end of the week. It helped – though for my half I might need to focus more on my training as compared to what I did for 10k.

As I get ready to train for my half at Kaveri Trail, I thought I will share what worked for me. Keep it Simple – Just Do It.

Wrote on 14^th March 2016 (1 month after my run.)