December Books: Normal People

Sally Rooney’s book got the 2019 British Book Award and several other awards and is labeled as classic. So I picked up the book from a friend and read it. I think I am a bit old for college romances especially one happening in Ireland. It took some time to cancel out the environment and focus on characters and relationships. It’s a story book about love and growing up. 

I liked the intensity of love and the confusion in one’s mind when one is not able to differentiate between love and friendship. The complexities with which Connell and Marianne grow up, their insecurities, aspirations and their relationship with their family and college friends. The setting is in small town Ireland where everyone knows everyone.

Unlike India, in west people believe in open relationships and hence it’s ok to try out a different person if one is not working out. But Marianne & Connell have a relationship which is difficult to define although they like each other and believe they are best friends. Marianne is more demanding and probably the core of normal people as she is the abnormal person with her eccentricities, very low self esteem and a brother who dominates her and family who is not bothered about her. 

One comes out of the book thinking there is nothing called Normal People we are what we are let’s not define or homogenize ourselves.

Closing Thoughts, 23: The power of Family

Jaipur - Family Reunion, Dec 23

It has been a year of sickness and death -  My uncle (mother’s sister’s husband) passed away, another relative had a prolonged health issue and now goes for dialysis twice a week, living on a restricted diet and has limited mobility, my father in law & a close relative got detected with lung cancer and is undergoing treatment knowing very well that that the chances of recovery is low. My father passed away 5 years back in cancer. These are only within my close family but I keep hearing of illness among the family of my team members, apartment friends, batch mate and other friends. Maybe it all just came into focus because of an illness in the family.

When I am sick, I just want to let go & let the family takeover, which this December was just Niki who took leave and took me to the doc then managed the home as much as she could. Thankfully I was OK in 5 days to take control back and relieve her of her duties thrust on her.

When my father in law got detected with cancer - it was like war. All family members and extended family came with suggestions of doctors and treatment plans and eating advices. Many times it was overwhelming and we ignored but the fact that they all came together genuinely was a great discovery. Many of them I did not even know. 

Being caregiver family is tough especially when the person being treated has a tough view on everything and wants to do against our understanding - I know of a 80 year whose lungs had collapsed and wanted to smoke but had to be tied down in the bed so he could not. Our case was not that so hard but when my inlaws stayed with us for 6 months, it was tough negotiating medicines, nurse, medicines, demands made on the entire family with half of them visiting for few days. We knew that we were all trying our best but still there were lot of arguments, hard feeling, tension between 3 families whose effect we are still facing. 

Every week and in normal times we keep arguing on small silly things like ‘when to have dinner & what to have (bongs favorite topic)’ or which movie to see or to go for the new year party or not. Looking back one feels that how can we argue for such a dumbest reason and feel silly about the whole thing. 

Absorption of a principle takes time or maybe it’s just happened to me after reading so many books and seeing movies that an epiphany stuck me “All families are dysfunctional” it’s just we see a part of it when we meet. 

With so much limited time for the entire family to be together as children start chasing their dream and start having strong & differing views from us, it’s better to enjoy the few days we are all together than fight over the food to eat or movie to see - I have the rest of the year to exercise my choice. I might as well enjoy the time together than debate.

The power of a family is in how we keep it together in good times and bad times. I guess thats my calling for 2024.

Closing Thoughts, 23: Travel and how it changed me

Jaisalmer - December 23'

We came back today after a hectic travel of 6 days. In the 6 nights 3 nights we were on train / airport and 3 nights on land. At 53 this is not something I would ideally want to but coordinating between 2 working person and 1 college going family member this is the best we could pull off. It was tough on my health and nerve. But despite the anxiety I managed well and did not have any breakdowns or need a long recovery time. I was up and about the same day.

Mental Preparation is the key and my fundamental principle which I adopted since my first trip to Solan was to ‘Go with the flow’. One of the big learning was that (which applies to life as well but we don’t apply) nothing is in control - the train can be late, the tyre can burst, someone sat on my specs and it broke, hotel turns out to be really bad etc. We just have to make the best of the available options. 

Being Positive - Despite all the negatives, there will also be that glimmer of hope during the day of visiting a fort or looking forward to boating in the lake or a hot water bath on a super winter night in Jaisalmer or a an awesome spread in the breakfast. Being optimistic is the the basis of all decisions otherwise one cannot move forward.

Especially in this vacation I realized the importance of having my own space Early morning exercise routine, meditation, journaling were sacred and helped me to center myself day after day. In travel most decisions are fought and debated and either you just give up or fore your point of view on others. Either way there is lot of suppressed feelings and latent anger which surfaces after a few drinks or after the vacation or even after many years when one looks back at the vacation. Many times i was shocked by the reality of someone's feeling / comment about the vacation although on the surface we all thought it was a lovely vacation.

Do your own thing - Being in a large group, you often tend to merge with the group objective or plan of activities. I discovered having to do your own thing helps you to give more purpose to your travel. One of my friend runs in the morning - wherever he goes, some like shopping, some create nice videos of interesting & I love posting them on my status with some interesting thoughts / story which runs in my mind. Many of my friends n family comment back and when I meet folks they always remember me for these interesting anecdotes. It’s nice when you feel the warmth back and feel connected 

Know your weak points All my preps before the trip is around having backup or contingency plan if something breaks - it can be stomach, sleep, cold n body ache. At my age it’s very difficult to predict so I try my best to be cautious than adventurous. In younger I was the lead provocateur for doing brave things like jumping in sea from a height or try new things or stretch my limits to climb. No more. It took some time to curb the enthusiasm. 

The pivot

Most of this I started applying to my life. Unlike last 5 years when I was reading a lot (Geeta, self help videos, wisdom series etc.) and trying to grasp or look for principles to apply in my life in last 1.5 years I am learning more from observation of self - trying to identifying the root cause. Being data driven helped & I created XL to understand the cause and effect. 

Some thought it’s being fanatic but I thought it was more realist. Happy that to of my biggest weakness was controlled by this - stomach & sleep. Welcome 20 24.