December Books: Normal People

Sally Rooney’s book got the 2019 British Book Award and several other awards and is labeled as classic. So I picked up the book from a friend and read it. I think I am a bit old for college romances especially one happening in Ireland. It took some time to cancel out the environment and focus on characters and relationships. It’s a story book about love and growing up. 

I liked the intensity of love and the confusion in one’s mind when one is not able to differentiate between love and friendship. The complexities with which Connell and Marianne grow up, their insecurities, aspirations and their relationship with their family and college friends. The setting is in small town Ireland where everyone knows everyone.

Unlike India, in west people believe in open relationships and hence it’s ok to try out a different person if one is not working out. But Marianne & Connell have a relationship which is difficult to define although they like each other and believe they are best friends. Marianne is more demanding and probably the core of normal people as she is the abnormal person with her eccentricities, very low self esteem and a brother who dominates her and family who is not bothered about her. 

One comes out of the book thinking there is nothing called Normal People we are what we are let’s not define or homogenize ourselves.

Closing Thoughts, 23: The power of Family

Jaipur - Family Reunion, Dec 23

It has been a year of sickness and death -  My uncle (mother’s sister’s husband) passed away, another relative had a prolonged health issue and now goes for dialysis twice a week, living on a restricted diet and has limited mobility, my father in law & a close relative got detected with lung cancer and is undergoing treatment knowing very well that that the chances of recovery is low. My father passed away 5 years back in cancer. These are only within my close family but I keep hearing of illness among the family of my team members, apartment friends, batch mate and other friends. Maybe it all just came into focus because of an illness in the family.

When I am sick, I just want to let go & let the family takeover, which this December was just Niki who took leave and took me to the doc then managed the home as much as she could. Thankfully I was OK in 5 days to take control back and relieve her of her duties thrust on her.

When my father in law got detected with cancer - it was like war. All family members and extended family came with suggestions of doctors and treatment plans and eating advices. Many times it was overwhelming and we ignored but the fact that they all came together genuinely was a great discovery. Many of them I did not even know. 

Being caregiver family is tough especially when the person being treated has a tough view on everything and wants to do against our understanding - I know of a 80 year whose lungs had collapsed and wanted to smoke but had to be tied down in the bed so he could not. Our case was not that so hard but when my inlaws stayed with us for 6 months, it was tough negotiating medicines, nurse, medicines, demands made on the entire family with half of them visiting for few days. We knew that we were all trying our best but still there were lot of arguments, hard feeling, tension between 3 families whose effect we are still facing. 

Every week and in normal times we keep arguing on small silly things like ‘when to have dinner & what to have (bongs favorite topic)’ or which movie to see or to go for the new year party or not. Looking back one feels that how can we argue for such a dumbest reason and feel silly about the whole thing. 

Absorption of a principle takes time or maybe it’s just happened to me after reading so many books and seeing movies that an epiphany stuck me “All families are dysfunctional” it’s just we see a part of it when we meet. 

With so much limited time for the entire family to be together as children start chasing their dream and start having strong & differing views from us, it’s better to enjoy the few days we are all together than fight over the food to eat or movie to see - I have the rest of the year to exercise my choice. I might as well enjoy the time together than debate.

The power of a family is in how we keep it together in good times and bad times. I guess thats my calling for 2024.

Closing Thoughts, 23: Travel and how it changed me

Jaisalmer - December 23'

We came back today after a hectic travel of 6 days. In the 6 nights 3 nights we were on train / airport and 3 nights on land. At 53 this is not something I would ideally want to but coordinating between 2 working person and 1 college going family member this is the best we could pull off. It was tough on my health and nerve. But despite the anxiety I managed well and did not have any breakdowns or need a long recovery time. I was up and about the same day.

Mental Preparation is the key and my fundamental principle which I adopted since my first trip to Solan was to ‘Go with the flow’. One of the big learning was that (which applies to life as well but we don’t apply) nothing is in control - the train can be late, the tyre can burst, someone sat on my specs and it broke, hotel turns out to be really bad etc. We just have to make the best of the available options. 

Being Positive - Despite all the negatives, there will also be that glimmer of hope during the day of visiting a fort or looking forward to boating in the lake or a hot water bath on a super winter night in Jaisalmer or a an awesome spread in the breakfast. Being optimistic is the the basis of all decisions otherwise one cannot move forward.

Especially in this vacation I realized the importance of having my own space Early morning exercise routine, meditation, journaling were sacred and helped me to center myself day after day. In travel most decisions are fought and debated and either you just give up or fore your point of view on others. Either way there is lot of suppressed feelings and latent anger which surfaces after a few drinks or after the vacation or even after many years when one looks back at the vacation. Many times i was shocked by the reality of someone's feeling / comment about the vacation although on the surface we all thought it was a lovely vacation.

Do your own thing - Being in a large group, you often tend to merge with the group objective or plan of activities. I discovered having to do your own thing helps you to give more purpose to your travel. One of my friend runs in the morning - wherever he goes, some like shopping, some create nice videos of interesting & I love posting them on my status with some interesting thoughts / story which runs in my mind. Many of my friends n family comment back and when I meet folks they always remember me for these interesting anecdotes. It’s nice when you feel the warmth back and feel connected 

Know your weak points All my preps before the trip is around having backup or contingency plan if something breaks - it can be stomach, sleep, cold n body ache. At my age it’s very difficult to predict so I try my best to be cautious than adventurous. In younger I was the lead provocateur for doing brave things like jumping in sea from a height or try new things or stretch my limits to climb. No more. It took some time to curb the enthusiasm. 

The pivot

Most of this I started applying to my life. Unlike last 5 years when I was reading a lot (Geeta, self help videos, wisdom series etc.) and trying to grasp or look for principles to apply in my life in last 1.5 years I am learning more from observation of self - trying to identifying the root cause. Being data driven helped & I created XL to understand the cause and effect. 

Some thought it’s being fanatic but I thought it was more realist. Happy that to of my biggest weakness was controlled by this - stomach & sleep. Welcome 20 24.

Closing Thoughts, 23: On the futility of 'being in control'

It has been ‘depressing cold’ or maybe it’s just that my bout with flue has made me look at everything with a shade of sickness for last 2 weeks. Being sick is a terrible thing especially if you are alone, the world closes in. It has been like a system failure. First fever, then throat, then stomach, then back to throat, then weakness and sleeplessness. I battled through with my affirmations, gratitude journaling and sitting in sun whenever it came. I can’t run or cycle because of a knee injury, reading books & seeing movies I try to move into a parallel world of imagination leaving behind my sick world.

Today, I was looking at the tulsi plants I had planted a week back and with whom I shared my sunny space whenever the sun decided to come out. Some days the plants would look full of life and some days I will find many leaves scattered near it’s roots. I would promptly use it in tea for my sickness. Today looking at them I realized that one will die despite my best nurturing - watering, putting coco-peat, moving it around so it gets enough sun. And I was hoping the other will survive. The days are cloudy and cold, despite all our technology we cannot predict when sun will come out and no one can predict the life or death of a plant or us. 

We all love to control, from teams to family to project outcomes despite 100’s of variables, but can we or is it just a sense of control which we want to have despite knowing that you cannot. 

After Baba’s death & the uncertainties of COVID but more so in my last 1 year of starting life afresh I have started accepting the fact that we actually cannot control anything. Earlier I used to keep complaining on the lack of sun or the lack of a something which I wanted desperately but some time back I just stopped realizing the futility of it all. It only builds expectation, anxiety and lot of mutual angst. Like the eluding Banglore sun - If it’s there make the best of it if not do what you can to protect yourself from the cold. 

I realized that, we can only make a choice which we feel are wise at that point based on all the wisdom we have gained in our past. This in my mind is a culmination of experiences and the memory of those experiences stored in our brain. 

Once we make the choice, we have to just walk the path we have chosen.

Sun or no sun. Welcome 20 24

Past Lives

When you leave behind something you also gain something? This was the line which Na Young a Korean says when she is 12 years old to her friend (just a boy). The boy tracks her down after 12 years - he is in Korea & she is in California. After few round of chatting where both are very much in longing to continue their kiddy friendship. But then Na Young says - I have come to California to become a famous playwright and do something meaningful & all I am thinking is ‘when can I come to you in Seoul. Lets pause for some time so I can focus on my work. That pause lasts for another 12 years. 

These are 2 defining dialogues of the movie - driven by the principle that Na Young is a dreamer or maybe achiever - she wanted to win Nobel Prize, then Pulitzer then Tony & the boy is ‘so Korean’ - did engineering and joined a job which hardly pays and boss’s rule his life.

A very rare movie which needs to be felt as you see the movie. Small actions, shots, dialogues (90% in Korean), expressions speak more than dialogues. It’s an exploration of choice we make - which is a rational thing because at that time everything points on that direction. Your mind rules. Once you start your journey in that path - it will have it’s own life, ups and downs. Even if the past slowly becomes a faint memory - people in the past don’t. You don’t know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, what you have left behind with them when you chose a path. It’s a different world.

As the name suggests - what happens when your past comes visiting. In this case your friend when you were 12. Whom you said goodbye  and moved to a different country. And meet after 24 years. It’s not just love, it’s a connection to a country, it’s tradition, it’s language & culture. When she meets him all this comes together to form something more than love - it’s the longing which she suppressed all these years because she wanted to become something. 

The underlying theme of course is immigration, getting uprooted from your city, culture and making your space in an alien culture. Reminded me a lot about Jhumpa Lahiri’s stories especially Interpretation of Maladies. 

Since language is equal to subtitle - most of the talking is done visually. 

A lovely movie to see on a rain soaked day in Bangalore. Alone.

Inhabiting a parallel world

How many world’s can you inhabit ? This question sort of reverberated with me as I binge watched the 2nd season of ‘The wheel of time’ thanks to some provoking from my daughter. I am not a series person and definitely not a binge watcher. 1 movie / day or 1 episode is the max I can take. 

But I was recovering from an annual viral meltdown and was in the deep end of the tunnel. Everything was a bit dazed and confused - a bit blurry and hazy. Feeling better on Sunday we covered ourselves with Quilt (rajaai sound so much better) and binge watched 7 episodes. It was like getting out of 1 tunnel and getting into another. Sleep was under the haze of and everything was a cocktail inside my head and thoughts around the series kept drifting in out of my mind. I could not think of anything else much while the younger one would have already watched many K dramas. How ? was not a relevant question for them. 

It took another movie to pull me out of this reverie.

JOYLAND by saim sadiqi is a Pakistani movie which got awarded in Cannes this year. The milieu of JOYLAND was similar to India and very real. Every character had a past which unfolded slowly and the present was clouded with mystery. Photography - Cinematography was beautiful, capturing Lahore beautifully and the close up shots got the expressions just right. 

I am in a space where I have the advantage of time to rewind / rethink / dig deeper - introspect understand the directors nuances in the story. 

Should we ? Or just hop on to the next ......after all it’s just a movie. 

Some musings on JOYLAND:

JOYLAND is all about desire physical, ambition, societal pressure / prestige. In a highly repressed society like India or Pakistan (more so) it comes out in many ways like the masculinity we see in the boys who are part of the erotic dance group or the attraction which the star feels towards the trans without knowing why etc. Each of them cope with it in their own way - some by suppressing some by just going with the flow. BUt either ways it is gonna effect both. In last decade the desire is not necessarily a straight one and in most occasions there is a queer angle - Is it a reality ‘coming out of the closet’ or just a ‘commercial need’. At Least in case of JOYLAND it felt genuine. 

Listening to interviews of JOYLAND’s cast and director did not give much insights and was quite bored listening to the same kinda recorded phrases and words. Maybe it’s the cannes training. That does not take away from the fact that it was a brilliant.

As I write this I desperately look at Normal People By Sally Rooney. A world I have been meaning to inhabit for a week now after I finished my last book. But the OTT world had me in its grip. Let’s hope I dive in this weekend.

At 55

 At 55,

I want to live

The way I imagined I will 

When I had the free will

And Imagination

Of a child.

With nothing to prove

And nowhere to reach

Free with no goals

Living life in the moment

Enjoying the moment 

Every moment

The world around is chaotic

With seemingly no hope

But I find all relationships symbiotic

Family, society, earth, water, river, 

Ocean, Mountains 

All interconnected in a 

Seemingly unconnected and disparate world.

Not AI

But NI 

Nature’s Intelligence

Is second to none

I hope the world understands that

Before it’s gone.

Let me,

Soak in the sun, 

Dream under the moon

Rock in the waves of the ocean 

My life has just begun

At 55.

Your well being is in your hand

After 4 years of anti depression medicine I have finally left them on 16th Nov. It’s difficult to look back because its a long time and I think I don’t want to. But I am putting down a few points which may help those who need time to heal themselves. We all need.

Take 5

1. When to start: This is the most difficult part and I saw so many conversations in the well being group on Should I? The answer actually depends on when the question has come. Don’t start without trying - give yourself a deadline, there are enough hacks on internet. You should try what works for you. Some will Some won’t. 

2. Be Objective: Treat like weight lose / doing a marathon and do not for a moment think this is confusing. It is not. My doctor would say - If a diabetic patient is taking a pill for his well being what is wrong with you taking. 

3. What type are you?: It’s very important to understand what type you are. To make it simple - I just classify in 2 types, either you think a lot or you don’t take things so seriously. Most people who seek intervention is thinking type. This is my presumption but I am - that’s the first thing I was told. Don’t keep telling yourself - Why do I think so much? Can I pls stop thinking. You are programmed that way - you have to find a way around it. 

4. Practice-Practice-Practice - But stop looking. Don’t flirt with many ideas: I admire myself because I tried so much, everything the doctor would say my answer would be - Yes I read about it and I tried (reading a book when sleep does not come or talking to friend & so on). I often wondered why am I still going thru this. The answer when it came was that ‘I tried too much, which indirectly meant I kept seeking ideas to do which indirectly meant that I was not confident on my self and had belief on one idea I was trying. Last 100 days I have doing only 3 things - daily guided meditation, Gratitude (both before I sleep) & Affirmation (as soon as I get up with tea). Nothing else. Yes off and on I would read a article circulated in the ‘Wellbeing Group’ but I never compromised on my daily 3 things. The continuity gave the confidence and maybe changed something in my mind which is scientifically proved

5. When to stop ?:Lastly, this is the most important one. My doctor would never let me stop. She would always bring it down to ½ a tab and somehow something will happen and the no of pills will go up. This up and down continued for 4 years. Then I picked up an insight from my family doctor, he said ‘they will never let you stop because they are scared that it will relapse’. Somehow it was like a flash bulb - this has become a crutch and I need to take my ‘well being in my hand’ & I will leave the medicines come what may.

This was 100 days back and I finally took the step.

The Golden Years of our family

Goa - 2010

These were the best years, I often wonder why ? Although the answer is very clear because i was the boss and I could make the family sway whichever direction I wanted. Anything new excited the children who had an uncluttered mind - or a beginners mind (like they say in ZEN). The little anguish was more to do with quibbles between the sis or between us parents. 

Reema is a excellent curator of places and storyteller - she will tell the children about the history of a place and also ask quiz on what she told. I was the ops guy, organizer, driver, coolie, occasional fighter when family demands were not met and of course official photographer / videographer. Action guy - in search of basketball court, party happening around or a swim in the infinity pool. 

There was sense of a common mission and discovery which we all shared and our roles were nicely divided so there was not too much debate. 

As children grow the choices are many and we get bogged down in accommodating the other and not being happy or enjoying the moment.

As the moments pass and we recuperate I often gaze at these pics n smile & tell myself “Hmm! Those were the the Golden Years”.

Green Shoots: Quite Day

Co-creating our next community

One of the days when i just want to be. Breathe. Think less, get lost in the sound around me. Talk less. Sleep if it comes and just get my rhythm back. 

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude - I realised the difference between both as I moved out of home after 12th in 1987 and stayed uprooted till 1999 when I got married. During the 12 years I had room mates, close friends, travelled, worked and did many things with many people. Discarded friends, kept in touch with a very few, but during all these years of the 2nd phase of growing up I always had these quiet days like today. 

Driven by consumption & attention these were more like a mental detox or fasting if you may. 

HOPE 6 - Travel

1 year back when I was feverishly planning my Gap year. 

I had thought of

• Doing chadar trek or Base Camp (Solo)

• Meet all my relatives, few whom I had not met for 20 years

• Do smaller treks around Bangalore (weekend)

And then life happened.

I am happy that despite the various curve balls life has thrown or maybe imagined by me I could at least fulfill 1 of the 3. 

Met my relatives, traveled by train - bus - rickshaw - metro whatever but just made it happen. It was not easy. I think I would have taken it after 10 years. 

But it was liberating, I had got accustomed to flying the clinical, clean, non intrusive cocoon in which you just zone in like a robot and travel from Bangalore - Mumbai. Same Vango everytime. After a point you are just going thru the motion

Train / Bus - every time is different. You meet all kinds of people, get into various conversations, philosophy, share food to soap to weed. You name it. Yes, you have to be open to it. 

But the best part is gazing at the railway track or the scenery from your seat - I can never get bored by it. I won’t be able to do much of that in my current travels, but then there are mountains and clouds to give me company. 

Lets!

Chal Himachal.

1 year off

Last year today was the last day when I was paid for the day. 

(I did not want to write a long congratulatory note but wanted to be precise so I decided to write just 3 things under each head)

I wrote and rewrote the first line a couple of times because apart from that rest everything else was still a reality.

• I still work daily  

• I am still responsible for certain outcomes

• I still have meetings / schedules / travel

Yes, the quantum of the above 3 is significantly less, maybe 1/4th of what I did earlier. But I choose to do a lot of other things.

• I am learning what I want to learn

• I feel good about what I do because it has meaning for me 

• I prioritize mindfully what works for me n family

But, this does not mean

• I don’t have conflicts

• I don’t feel lost or worthless at time

• That I don’t have gnawing feeling that I could have done much better / much more

So did I learn something on the way

• You can only plan that much. Rest you have to ‘Go with the flow’. Life will throw curve balls you can never escape so be ready.  

• Having choices is not important. Clarity of what you want is.

• You cannot do it alone. Learn to trust people and letting go off your biases

Wrote on 31st August 23

Hope 5 - Songs

Kabir Session by Vipul

Music: This has been my eternal go to place for comfort. 

The 3 playlists which I play the most

• Amol Palekar playlists which has songs from his movies mostly Basu Chatterjee / Hrishikesh Mukherjee. The movies (Gol Maal, Choti Si Baat etc) which were fun, light hearted and gave you this nice happy feeling at the end of it and I never paid much attention to songs but now that I listen deeply I realize that they have so much meaning. Sample this (Aane waala pal jaane wale hain, ho sake to isme jindagi beeta do…)  - The moment which is going to come will also go very soon and so make the best of the moment and spend your lifetime in it. This is the core of any philosophy you read. But that is just one part of it - like our memory works - these songs evoke the carefree settings of the movies somewhere in my mind I relate to 70’s. And brings a smile on my face and the day 🙂

• My Elvis playlists - mostly his love songs - There is no such philosophical musing like above, but at times I just crave for his voice and the deep - pure feeling of love when I listen to “Take my hand, take my whole life too..but I can’t help falling in love too…” It’s like my heart would melt and all my pain would flow out. Especially after seeing a few documentaries and understanding his meteoric rise and fall and all the struggle he went through - they feel more real. 

• Kabir - Multiple playlists - I got introduced to Kabir in one of the Kabir  singing sessions which was hosted in someone’s balcony in Bangalore. The teacher was Vipul Rikhi. Then I stumbled into several singers like BinduMalini, Shabnam Virmani of Kabir Project. The impact was phenomenal - In a way I took him as a teacher, every song has so much meaning that listening to him you would just forget the daily tussle as it would melt away in the soulful rendition of these songs.

Hope 4 - Compassion for All

Yesterday I read this post on my apartment group and was shocked.

”There was an accident today near our Natasha sign board at the entrance.  One cat got badly injured by a car coming out of Natasha. The car involved belongs to a resident of Natasha. I took the cat and admitted in Cessna Hospital . It will go through a Jaw operation tomorrow”

Dillep da who wrote this took him to the hospital and the cat is doing fine now (see video 🙂). But the effort to take a stray cat to a vet and get her treated - What compassion and passion for strays. Seeing the cat being fed reminded me of feeding my own children when they could not express and had what we gave. 

Feeding an injured cat is a much tougher task.