Closing Thoughts, 23: On the futility of 'being in control'

It has been ‘depressing cold’ or maybe it’s just that my bout with flue has made me look at everything with a shade of sickness for last 2 weeks. Being sick is a terrible thing especially if you are alone, the world closes in. It has been like a system failure. First fever, then throat, then stomach, then back to throat, then weakness and sleeplessness. I battled through with my affirmations, gratitude journaling and sitting in sun whenever it came. I can’t run or cycle because of a knee injury, reading books & seeing movies I try to move into a parallel world of imagination leaving behind my sick world.

Today, I was looking at the tulsi plants I had planted a week back and with whom I shared my sunny space whenever the sun decided to come out. Some days the plants would look full of life and some days I will find many leaves scattered near it’s roots. I would promptly use it in tea for my sickness. Today looking at them I realized that one will die despite my best nurturing - watering, putting coco-peat, moving it around so it gets enough sun. And I was hoping the other will survive. The days are cloudy and cold, despite all our technology we cannot predict when sun will come out and no one can predict the life or death of a plant or us. 

We all love to control, from teams to family to project outcomes despite 100’s of variables, but can we or is it just a sense of control which we want to have despite knowing that you cannot. 

After Baba’s death & the uncertainties of COVID but more so in my last 1 year of starting life afresh I have started accepting the fact that we actually cannot control anything. Earlier I used to keep complaining on the lack of sun or the lack of a something which I wanted desperately but some time back I just stopped realizing the futility of it all. It only builds expectation, anxiety and lot of mutual angst. Like the eluding Banglore sun - If it’s there make the best of it if not do what you can to protect yourself from the cold. 

I realized that, we can only make a choice which we feel are wise at that point based on all the wisdom we have gained in our past. This in my mind is a culmination of experiences and the memory of those experiences stored in our brain. 

Once we make the choice, we have to just walk the path we have chosen.

Sun or no sun. Welcome 20 24

Past Lives

When you leave behind something you also gain something? This was the line which Na Young a Korean says when she is 12 years old to her friend (just a boy). The boy tracks her down after 12 years - he is in Korea & she is in California. After few round of chatting where both are very much in longing to continue their kiddy friendship. But then Na Young says - I have come to California to become a famous playwright and do something meaningful & all I am thinking is ‘when can I come to you in Seoul. Lets pause for some time so I can focus on my work. That pause lasts for another 12 years. 

These are 2 defining dialogues of the movie - driven by the principle that Na Young is a dreamer or maybe achiever - she wanted to win Nobel Prize, then Pulitzer then Tony & the boy is ‘so Korean’ - did engineering and joined a job which hardly pays and boss’s rule his life.

A very rare movie which needs to be felt as you see the movie. Small actions, shots, dialogues (90% in Korean), expressions speak more than dialogues. It’s an exploration of choice we make - which is a rational thing because at that time everything points on that direction. Your mind rules. Once you start your journey in that path - it will have it’s own life, ups and downs. Even if the past slowly becomes a faint memory - people in the past don’t. You don’t know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, what you have left behind with them when you chose a path. It’s a different world.

As the name suggests - what happens when your past comes visiting. In this case your friend when you were 12. Whom you said goodbye  and moved to a different country. And meet after 24 years. It’s not just love, it’s a connection to a country, it’s tradition, it’s language & culture. When she meets him all this comes together to form something more than love - it’s the longing which she suppressed all these years because she wanted to become something. 

The underlying theme of course is immigration, getting uprooted from your city, culture and making your space in an alien culture. Reminded me a lot about Jhumpa Lahiri’s stories especially Interpretation of Maladies. 

Since language is equal to subtitle - most of the talking is done visually. 

A lovely movie to see on a rain soaked day in Bangalore. Alone.