Jasmine Days: Benyamin & The Far Field: Madhuri Vijay.

I read both this books one after the other. And in all likelihood my next one would be ‘I know why the caged bird sings’ by Mary Angelou.

Both the books had certain common themes and sort of raised similar questions / feelings in my mind. After all if a book does not do that I don’t think it does justice to the writer. Some reflections below.

There was a lot of father daughter relationship in the book, then there was the religion & the increasing mix of religion & politics and how it affects normal life, growing up – finding your purpose.

Religion & Politics:

Benyamin’s book is a take on the Arab Spring Rising and how in a fictitious country a dictator take control of the country gives patronage to the outsiders who keeps the state machinery running and hence divides the people of the country. How any uprising is squashed by erasing the last physical presence of the uprising. I googled and realised that the country is Syria where the author was based for many years and lot of incidents in the book had parallels to what has happened in the country.

On the other hand, The Far Field is a about Kashmir and how militancy has torn apart / divided the people of Kashmir because of their religion and the role of Army in subduing any uprising using brutal force and camouflaging the truth.

I am not a political person – the only page I do not read, in fact never read in my last 25 years is politics. I voted only in last 2 elections after my Voter ID card was made because of my 13 year stay in Karnataka. On God, I am spiritual, like mythology and have interest in temples from an architectural & historical perspective, and I do pray every day for the well being of my family. But it really does not matter who is sitting in the next table or next seat in my flight.

But I am truly scared at the growing intolerance and the path Govt is taking by introducing NRC, CAB – Citizen Amendment Bill. I am not expert nor do I intend to be, but I had the first hand experience of NRC when my family members who belong to Assam had to run pillar to post, spend money (read bribe), keep travelling, going to court with documents and fear in the eyes – what will happen if their name is not there in NRC register. This was completely unnecessary for my family who was staying since partition in the same area.

I was so shocked when we just could not reach my father in law at Jaipur and recently my uncle in Arunachal Pradesh – reason there was a complete blackout for a day or two because of violence in certain parts of the city where they stay. It just stunned me to silence. How can a govt just do that. And then I went online and read about groups have been formed in Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore like the old-fashioned Orkut message boards by people whose friends and family live in Kashmir. Where anyone who gets to know about any of their family member can post – and how there were cases where someone had a medical emergency, but nobody had a clue. It’s like an operation theatre where everybody is ready but the patient never got wheeled in or the dystopian dramas where robo’s take control. Trust me when I say that I got goose bumps…

While technology has secluded the new generation and given a cocoon to live in. I believe this is something they will face as they step out of their cocoon. It will affect our daily lives and how we live. Lot of effort will go in creating this divide and then at some point a change will sweep in where we are all equal like the world of robots which is predicted in next 50 years.

Father – Daughter, Growing Up.

In my mind I cannot differentiate the two especially with two growing up daughters. Both books had excellent characters / portrayal of the lead character who is a teenager + (read after college). Both had father’s who were alone, secluded away from the family.

When you read a book, you find comfort in characters, draw parallels in your life, it rekindles some old memory and also draws conjectures on why something happened and why she behaved the way she behaved. And hence I loved both the books. For me the father-daughter relationship was cemented even before I was married, I knew the names I would give my daughter (of course I was sure I will have a daughter) and my most cherished memories are of their growing up, teaching them to cycle, swim, giving injections, waiting patiently when someone is sick and recently we were discussing the first day at school & the drama which is imprinted in my mind like a movie.    

I believe probably the most crucial phase is from Xth to college. These are the years which in some sense dictate your next 20 years, which is your prime years of life.

In Jasmine Days, the protagonist is strong, while she is principled in her views, fights for her rights and does what she thinks is right. Of course, she is lost at times and gets guided by someone she does what she thinks is right foregoing wealth for principle.

In Far Field, the character from start is confused and lost and is trying to get her bearings and the whole book is her search for her identity and hence you grow with the character learn about her past and the reason for her being the way she is. Not justification but the background/incidents of what led to what.

We often judge people, label people – maybe at my age the label is true. But the growing up age in my mind is like an incubator, there is so much going on. And especially with internet and social media – there is so much noise that for them it’s difficult to block the noise and hear their own voice, their calling as it is famously said. Which is fine, I know we cannot control it we can only mentor them in some sense and leave them to judge what is right or wrong.

I believe they will have to learn from their experience, and I am sure they will come out of it strong. When they need us they will find us.  Trust them! 

On Turning 50

It’s a bright Sunday morning in Mumbai. The light streams through my window on my bed. Birds chirp on my balcony Bamboo trees and coconut tress sway to a gentle wind. I can feel the slight wintry breeze as it wafts in carrying with it a nice smell of flowers blooming in someone’s balcony. It’s a small 400 sq. ft flat in the central Mumbai district which has been my lonely abode for last 4 and half months. A supposedly transient stop over before my next abode. 

Yesterday I saw a 3 and half hour movie by Martin Scorsese movie called Irishman on Netflix. Starring all the yesteryear stars – Al Pacino, Robert De Niro & Pesci. I did not know how the time passed it was 11pm by the time the movie got over. The movie starts with Robert Di Nero in a wheelchair as he starts telling his story.

I just stepped into Kashmir through the pages of Madhuri Vijay’s – The Far Field, through the naïve eyes of a 24 year and her struggle to find a balance / objective / purpose of her life.

I booked ticket for all 3 of us to go Prithvi to see a play but more to go back to my nostalgic past. Prithvi was one of our favorite haunts when I used to sit with my friends with dreamy eyes and thoughts in a mind and heart which was like Vijay’s protagonist just started his career in the hustle and bustle of Mumbai – 25 years back.

I loved interviews, right from my childhood especially those where the star answers 10 odd questions about themselves. I often thought if I had to answer those questions what I would answer. One question which often comes to my mind is: If somebody asked how would you describe your self – I will answer, 2 phrases – both were used to describe me, a friend once told me I was a man with rose tinted glasses and a colleague once told me you are the passionate pivot – These I feel describe me and my journey.

When you are young and starting up, you are in a hurry to learn, to reach somewhere and give the best to your family and parents. After some time, you long for company, you start your family and life becomes like those postcards of tree lined housed with a nice gate and a lawn of your own, with children running all around – and birthday parties. Then something changes and suddenly everything looks so large, complex like a multi layered house – kind of labyrinth where you get lost…

And suddenly, you once again find yourself alone. You smile, you put up your rose- tinted glasses and start walking.

(Written on 4th Dec 2019)

Old Poems...

Old Poems: Copied on 31/10/2019 from various scrapes of papers

Let’s roll: Written on 19^th August 2019

On a day

When 12 hrs,

looked like 12 mnts

I walked out of office

And hailed a cabbie

Kaali-Peeli

They call it in Mumbaia’ hindi

As he drove

I rolled out the window

&

Felt the nice cold blow

& air, yes air flow

Through my hair

Unlike AC of an UBER car

I plugged my phonw & shut my ear

Eric Clapton made guitar

& me weep

Hear, Tears from heaven

Made the Kaali-Peeli a heaven

As I turned the key

Of my cubby hole

I smile, thinking, Let roll…

The patch of sunlight: Written on 10^th December 2016

Mornings, in a cold wintery morning

Sun, spreading a small patch of sunlight on my balcony

A night gone by

Thinking of

Life

Death

Love

Why? Is life so difficult

at times

When, night after night

You wait with bated breath

For sleep to envelope you

But, sleep decides to elude you

As, you lay in the bed,

You look at the cold balcony

Curtains drawn

Glimmer of moonlight

Gives you hope

Of peace and tranquillity

Letting go of your despair & anxiety

You, breath in the serenity.

Drifting between

A state sleep & wakefulness

You slowly

See the change

Moonlight to sunlight

You smile,

Another day of

Life

Hope Love

Oh! A small patch of sunlight,

When will you come my way?

Who is UGLY? Written on 14^th May 2017

I ponder

As I volunteer

To pick up

My paint and brush

To,

Wash away the stains of paan

Breath in the smell of urine

 Bear the nudges of passers by

Lost in their screens

Faces stare from buses, cars, scooters

Lost in their own world

Like I was till now,

Did I redeem myself?

Or, Is this this the beginning ?

Only time will tell.

Beauty in Life? Written on 21/11/2017

Is there beauty in our life

OR,

Is it just

An Imagination

An Illusion

We live with.

Every morning,

We get up with a mirage

Which gets shattered

Hrs becomes days

Days become months

Months become years

& slowly we go to sleep

Six Feet Under

Still in search of the illusive beauty.

Airport

There’s a crushed bottle of Fanta on my table left by a young lady which gives me the opportunity to claim the table and not attracting the attention of the attendant of being a free loader. An aged, very aged European couple talking to each – tired, but concerned about each other, involved focused just the 2 of them in a world of their own deciphering something – maybe the next place they want to see. A newly married wife with mehendi in her hand taking calls answering queries, smiling, coy, looking happy, husband busy gossiping with his gang probably cousins, friends. Kids playing, running around with with abandon – of what they are dropping or hitting or getting hurt – they are free. A harried executive gobble his food without caring what he is eating. There is a Khadi store In front of me with Gandhiji’s statue  in the front. Just opposite to it there are 2 stores – one of Swaroski and another of Parcos – both selling international & most luxurious products…Indigo attendant shouting – Last call. Nagpur Passengers. I come out of reverie.

The airport is crowded and so is my mind. Clouded may be the right word. Contradictions, Juxtapositions, Confusions, Life is one hell of a potboiler.

And I have to make a choice. Is choice and decision the same – no I think choice comes first and then decision follows. You choose hence you decide – K says. I agree. Before you make a choice you should know your purpose – Why you are making that choice? What would the choice bring about? Given a choice I don’t want to decide, I just want to be. Like the birds and the wild animals – they get up – find food, eat survive, mate repeat. Many don’t find food and die. That’s fine. As Darwin says – Survival of the fittest.

Finding purpose is not difficult – it’s the whole process of fulfilling your purpose which is the toughest part, which scares all of us or makes people to choose easier way out. Purpose is in your mind a concept like K says fulfilling it is in the action and every action you start taking has its own reaction, repercussions, which you may have visualized or it just might hit you like a curve ball from nowhere.

Another way of looking at it, for something to start something must come to an end. And that thought was reverberating in my mind since morning. It cannot be both. 

There is always a beautiful mid-point some of my friends have got into and that is nice.

Is there? 

(Written in October 2019)

Hidden Gems of Amazon Prime - 3: Photograph

Photograph was ideal for the kind of day I wanted. A day when you did not open a mail, see a Wapp, go online or take a call, tick off your to do’s – a day when you want to just be.

It has a plot which becomes clear in first 30 mnts – A struggling photographer Rafi(Nawazuddin Siddique) and a girl Saloni (Sanya Malhotra) accidently meet at Gateway of India. Rafi asks Saloni does she want him to take a photograph – it will cost only 30/-. She agrees – he clicks the photo – as he is putting the photo in a plastic, Saloni’s parents call and she moves on with the photo without paying for the same. Not intentionally though. In the evening as Rafi comes back to his room (more of shed which he shares with his 4 friends) – on the way he is besieged by everyone in the mohalla(locality) with a single question – his grandmother who stays in a distant village, has started looking for a bride for him. He writes a letter to his Grandmother with Saloni’s photograph saying that he is marrying Saloni, not knowing her name she re-christens her Noorie – as the title song of this 80’s movie is playing in the background. Rest of the movie is all about Rafi’s grandmother coming to meet Noorie and interactions between grandmother, Saloni and Rafi and his friends.

For me the movie was a visual treat, the way it portrays the place where Rafi lives – the chawl, with 3 breads thrown in and a trapdoor which leads them to this room, rains in the background. I loved the balcony and shots outside the chawl with it’s staircases, rain, shops etc. There is a kind of texture to the overall film which is brought out beautifully by lights and sound. There was a very strong visual language to the film for example many times they don’t show the face of the character but show their feet’s instead. In the whole movie Rafi and Saloni speak the minimum. It’s his grandmother, his friends, Saloni’s family who speak the most but their dialogues add on to both the lead characters.

I also liked the intensity of both the characters. You cannot see the anger or the suppressed feelings But, visually, through their expressions, interactions with the people around it’s made clear that both have put a lid to their ambitions, feelings, expectations and have become comfortably numb. They have stopped reacting to what’s happening around.

Is that what draws Saloni who is from a higher middle-class family to help put Rafi who lives in shed in a slum and barely meets his daily needs? The conclusion is left to the viewer – like in a good short story you read and left wondering.

Photograph has an extremely slow pace, it unfolds slowly, doesn’t have much dialogue but visual cues and most importantly does not have an ending. 

On an overcast day which was anyway cold and dreary and you do not want to get out of the blanket and just want to be – this was a perfect match.  

(Written in July 2019)

(Not So) Hidden Gems in Amazon Prime - 2: A star is born..

Finally, I managed to see the movie. The soundtrack has been playing for some time on my phone. I had never heard Lady Gaga – only heard the weird stuff she does in terms of her dress – famously the meat dress. 

I did not know Bradley Cooper could sing but after listening to them I fell in love with the music – Especially Lady Gaga for the passion in her voice. You can feel the music coming from deep inside something like the opera singer/ soul / rhythm / jazz. – The only other singers who comes in my mind is Whitney Houston & Amy Winehouse.

The story is nothing different – you have to love music to sit through it which I did.

(Written in July 2019)

Hidden Gems in Amazon Prime (India) - 1: A House by The Sea

On a hot Saturday evening – toiling the day working, more of debating and discussing, when I stepped out of office and sat on the cab, my only wish was to go and sit in a calm beach and just stare at the sea – more of shoreline at night. Lack of will and energy dragged me back to my cubby hole called home in Mumbai.

Being a list maniac, I opened the list given in NY Times on Best movies to see in Amazon Prime and was shocked to see that not a single movie was there (hence the bracket above is very important) in the Indian movie list of Amazon Prime. Not to be defeated – I ran through the movie catalogue and selected 15 odd movies for next 3 months.

After the movie got over and the credits rolled – I realized that my wish of sitting by the coastline was no longer a wish - it came true.

It’s a French movie directed by Robert Guediaguian and starring Ariane Ascaride, Jean Pierre Darroussin, Anais Demoustier.

Set by a little bay near Marsielle the story revolves around a beautiful house/villa built near the sea, whose owner an old man get’s a stroke in the first scene and collapses to become completely paralysed. While his eldest son who stays with him tends to him, his other son and daughter come to visit him. The story starts here.

Beautifully shot – or maybe the beaches and houses are so beautiful that anybody can shoot beautiful movies there. It’s a place where time slows down – a small alcove built by few families with their own hand when they came here many-many years ago and continued to stay. Everybody knows each other, cares for each other. Its many families staying together. So, the setting is calm, picturesque, boat’s anchored in the alcove, small hilly terrain, and people going out to fish and come back.

There are many ways you learn philosophy / life lessons. Movie (and Story Books) is also one of them. The movie is all about choices made by the 3 children and their father. It poetically tells us – Let Go.

The daughter had not come back for 20 years holding her Dad responsible for the death of her daughter (she had drowned trying to reach out for her floating doll) and is angry/spiteful from scene 1 but changes in next few days as she realises there is no reason of holding on to something which happened so many years back – She was running away from reality and she believed by closing the door to the past and opening a new and exciting door (she became a famous actress and toured the world) will shut out the past. As the movies unfolds, she confronts the reality and finds love in various forms – a lover who is probably 40 years younger but adores her, 3 abandoned children and decides to stay back cancelling her tours.

Similarly, the other brother is a communist in his heart and has been recently laid off and carries a bitter taste in his head – angry at everything around. He believes he is a writer, but his manuscripts have been rejected multiple no of times. He befriends a young girl and in her he sees a respite / new beginning / hope – which helps him forget the bitterness inside him. As he sees his father, staring at the sea, he remembers the days of abandonment and merry making when he was a teenager and realises that he should stop running and live with an illusion (girl). By the end of the movie he asks her girl friend to go and decides to stay back and help his brother run a small coffee shop. The girl in turn gives the manuscript to the daughter asking her to read and understand her brother better.

The movies also go back very briefly to show how free, happy, joyous they were - before all of them went away. There is also a side story of 3 children who came into the island after their boat capsized and how the family brings them in, start taking care of them, giving them a new home – the family come together to make the children happy. Which also awakens the child inside each of them and the feeling the brothers and sisters shared when they were young.

I liked the movies for it’s slow pace, beautiful location, sensitive portrayal by all the actors and most critical was how it conveys the overall philosophy of the story in a very calm and serene way. There is a beautiful flow in the movie from 1^st scene to the last.

It’s like beta phase in your sleep – which I got into after I switched off the light. See it for its storytelling.

(Written in July 2019)

Gully Boy

This has been a season of musicals – Bohemian Rhapsody which chronicles the struggle of Freddie Mercury & now Gully Boy which is a take on the rise of Divine and Naezy. Not very different in my mind. Few things stood out in Gully Boy.

The characters delivered on their character. All of them fitted the role to a T, I guess the credit goes to director and how much she allowed them to get under the skin of the character. Notable was Ranveer Singh – probably one of the most subdued role he has played. Even Sher his mentor who I am guessing is a new comer dominated him and so does his friend the owner of garage who calls him chote’.

I think, dialogue written by Vijay Maurya, cinematography by jay oza brings out the Mumbai inside you onto the screens. As someone who has spent 5 years in Mumbai one can relate to it so much that it hits one heart instantly.

Everyone likes the underdog journey from struggle to success. Whether it’s a rap star, Queen’s band or the entrepreneur’s journey’s which I often keep hearing.

Look at what all is against the protagonist

•         place of upbringing – dharavi / economic condition
•           small time college
•           second marriage by his father

What’s going for the protoganist

•           trustworthy friends
•             girl friend who trusts her
•           mother

Skills

•           Writing – pours out his heart on paper
•           Mentor who trusts him
•          An environment which is willing to challenge him and his skills, also encouraging to lay down strong bets (which he won)

Ultimately what came out is ‘How much committed are you towards your passion. Struggle is inevitable, it’s how you stay focused on your passion and seize the right opportunity’.  

(Written sometime in March 2019)

Born a Crime: Trevor Noah

The only reason I picked up this book was because it was part of Bill Gates famous book list of the year – 2017 I think. Otherwise I wouldn’t know who is Trevor Noah?

After reading the book – you feel all your family members should read it and all your close friends – people for whom you care and especially those who are growing up or have children’s who are growing up.

It’s a memoir, but it’s just not a memoir.  Let me explain.

It’s about South Africa, apartheid and it’s effect on the society. As you read it you realize how little you actually know about apartheid and it’s effect. Yes, there was this movie Gandhi – which all of us must have seen every republic / Independence Day since it was made in which Gandhi is thrown out of the train. And Nelson Mandela of course.

The book demystifies the South Africa he grew up – which was apartheid and after apartheid. Life in the ghettos, lives of extreme poverty he grew up in, the divide between white, black and coloured. How the divide played out in society, school, police, government etc. It’s written in a very witty way which I am guessing is his craft (stand up comedian) so while you understand the reality and feel sad about the impact of apartheid in a child and a family living in SA, you still enjoy reading it. Trevor educates on SA before every chapter – whether it’s numerous languages spoken or which are the stronger tribes and how it affects everyone around.

While the book is all about Trevor and his growing up, it’s also about his mother who seems to be his shining star / mentor and many thing else.

(Written on 18^th Feb 2019)

Mumbai Diaries – 1

I have been hopping from Bangalore – Mumbai – Bangalore for more than a year now. And as it happens with any city you get to observe nuances of the city as you spend more time in it. Some musings below. Random stuff.

Most haunting image

One of the most haunting images in my mind was when I saw a group of girls running in rain in Marine drive. I wish I could click the image – but it’s captured in my mind and if I was a painter probably, I could draw it, instead let me try and paint it in words. Who knows, some day it may be an opening sequence of a black and white movie. I cannot imagine this in colour.

Imagine a clouded morning, touching a vast ocean far away at a horizon. You are sitting in a taxi silent with windows closed with no sound except the rains falling on your taxi. The curve of marine drive is quite far from where you are mostly empty because of heavy rains. And as you look at the horizon of rain and clouds meditatively, you suddenly see a line of girls one after the other running slowly one after the other against the beating rain, almost forcing their way through the rain. There is a tiredness in their movement, but you can sense the will power in them to make it somewhere. It’s a brief 10 second scene which has been imprinted in my mind and keeps coming back.

Many times when I run and almost near my finishing line, I just need to take those few steps and I know I will reach there.

(Written on 9^th March) 

Postscript: No further entries.....I guess writing is what people lose out while busy working and making 2 ends meet. 

Dogs

The dog cried the whole night. I woke up intermittently and heard it. It was easy to differentiate the sound from an angry bark. One could feel the pain / hurt in the voice. Probably separated from the mother – caged in a small room in one of the apartments of my block. The owners must have got the dog that day.

Generally, I would ignore, but for some reason it set my mind thinking of this whole cycle of having pets and human beings need of getting undivided attention and love. Isn’t that why we keep a dog?  And for that we are willing to separate the child from the mother and condition her to follow our life. Stay cooped up in our apartment for the rest of their life.

As I ruminated over this and went for my morning walk. I met Lara (a dog) and recollected how many of my friends have adopted stray dogs from animal shelters, NGO’s who provide a home for these strays. As I googled, I was quite astonished so see there is a whole world carved out by humans for dogs. They must be feeling good, being taken care of and treated specially with special foods, walks in parks, doggy baths, meets, shows and more.

I came back hoping that the dog has settled down and will not cry the whole night tonight.

(Written on 9^th March 2019)

No Man’s Land

I guess you come out with titles like that if you are sleeping with Murakami for last 7 days. But yes, those letters just formed in my mind today morning. Context – End of 2018, back from a trip from RV – where we snatched some moments together between the 4 of us, 18+15+49+45, that’s the cumulative age of the family – although both my kids will debate that they will be 19 & 16 in 2 months’ time. But that was not the point of putting those numbers up, those indicate the kind of philosophical, dreamy, angst and silent conversations we had between us. 

How does one look back at the year? Our newspapers and TV sets have their hands full rather their paper and channels full of what happened last year – from the silliest of memes to the most astounding findings. This only proves that as human beings we all want to look back and do a tally. Let’s say we just sort of grew with it. Unless you are a character in Murakami’s book who will probably won’t realize that the year has just changed.

Is it worth looking back? I ask myself, so much time has gone by – is it worth digging the grave and pulling out the loose stones, you don’t know what will come out along with it. Maybe…

My visual memory of 2018 is from going to chemo sessions week after week, to discussions, travels & travails of admission to college to those tireless travels to Mumbai and attend mind numbing sessions at office. It was like a race to nowhere – and in all that running around suddenly baba passed away. I saw it coming but no one expects it to happen, even the actual events happened so fast that looking back you feel like going back in time and making amends and do things maybe with more respect to the departed. There was no time to grieve because there was my daughter's admission to be done then all the formalities to be completed – traditional puja’s which kept me busy for a month and by the time I got back – work beckoned and sucked me into it’s whirlpool. And very soon 2018 was over.

   

In a nutshell that was 2018, I know it was physically and mentally the most exhausting year in last 50 years and only time will tell how deep the scars are. 

(Written some time in the beginning of 2019)