Running Logs 3 - Choose Wisely!

The last time I ran was 28^th March when I hit 8.1 km. After a hiatus of almost 5 months I got back on road today. Thanks to minor injuries – shin / knee / elbow and a deflated spirit I stopped running which was (let’s say still is) one of my key goal of 2015. I got onto yoga and was sincerely doing it for an hr every day for last 3 months, I also got into meditation in a big way – as there was a need to calm my chattering mind (still is).

It was a nice feeling, as I ran, I could feel the fresh n cool air on my face n body. I could feel the tightness in my body after the run. Also I could feel a kind of stretch-wear-tear of muscles in specific areas. One of the thing YOGA/Meditation does is it unites your mind & body & today my running was different – unlike in the previous stint i.e. Jan/Feb, when Yanni or my run playsit egged me to run. Today I could literally feel myself deep inside various parts of body, literally speaking to them. It was a nice integrated kind of feeling which I never felt before.

As I walked back few thoughts rambled in my mind which I will try n articulate. Focus or not to focus is something which I always wanted to write about. I always believed that we should experience new things in any form - music, book, exercise, people, places etc. I strongly believe that you will connect the dots – you have to keep looking for it though. But in recent days our attention is getting split in numerous things – facebook, twitter, TED talks, QUORA- the variety & depth of news available to us on the internet & now on the go i.e mobile is making us loss our focus & you keep re-creating the question – What I am looking for? What do I need? Now the flow has become opposite – many times you receive the information and you then start asking the question - Was I looking for this? Do I need this?

My running in some sense went thru that – Yes, it’s fair to mention the injuries but I was not sincere to the promise I made to myself. I think sincerity to our purpose is critical especially things like hobby where there is no result or performance orientation like a job. How to draw a line or create a balance is for me & I guess for all of us is the toughest act. We have moved from a situation of scarcity to a situation of abundance & it’s easier to flow with the current than against it & most of us choose that as a default mode.

I know so many people around me who are obsessed about running, they talk about it, read about it, participate in events, part of clubs etc. I used to always wonder – are they overdoing this? Maybe for these people being obsessed helps them to keep focus.

At 45 – injuries are given, other options like YOGA are always welcome which are more unifying and gives centeredness vs running which gives you a high and a sense of achievement.

Choose! Wisely!! 

Written on 15th Aug 

Running Log 2 - When D(ata) rules

That's D

So, It’s been 2 months of running now & here’s how the 2^nd months went

Data & Goal Setting: After my initial metric of “no of rounds of my apartment” I realized I needed larger goals something which is closer to what I want to achieve i.e. distance & time. After browsing through the net I downloaded runkeeper a simple app which started giving me very quickly – the no of km’s I ran in how much time. As I started looking at km’s / time – it gave a new dimension to my running.  I started relating my daily runs to my larger objective of a ½ marathon or a 10 k to start with. By the end of the month I did 6.37 km in 38.52 seconds & around 25 km/ week of only running. It also helped when I met my coach and fellow runners. For anyone who is starting up – this is a must.

Running on the roads: I always wondered Why would somebody do it, especially if you have a small circuit within your apartment. Not only it is dangerous, it is also toxic as u take in all the polluted air. My first run was to touch the Koramangla U turn from my apartment (inner ring road to Koramngala) that’s around 3.5 km. By the end of the month I was the going till the Ijipura Signal that’s 6.2 km. Running early helped me avoid the traffic still it was bad – one could smell shit & urine in parts of the road, sometimes it felt I was running a obstacle race as I had to avoid pot holes, water logged drains, construction material and jump into the so called footpath which was taken over & modified by most of the shops. But this was 500m or so but the fun was when you got of this space & moved to open road, it was lovely to run with the rising sun as if you are competing with it & at most part the air was fresh & it just felt good to run in an open area rather than going round & round the apartment – which becomes suffocating after some time. But the biggest benefit was in pushing yourself to just do a little bit more, once you are out you know you have to come back, if not for this I would not have touched 6.5 km in 2 months.

Shoes / Injuries: I had one large blister in my right feet and I was not comfortable with shoes but you cannot just go buy a Nike for 7k and later say – this is not working. For a communist minded Bong this was a NO GO. So I carried on, but by the end of the month my shin bones were paining not during the run or walk but in general. At 45+ this signals bother you & decided to read about this.

Deanne & D: I picked up Shut Up & Train by Deanne Pandey, just because that was the only book on fitness in the library & it turned out to be quite nice. Apart of generic nutrition, body & food It had a separate chapter on running & explained few things like strength training, breathing techniques while running etc. While it was nice to read but you can only do that much so I decided to go in for a coach. D came recommended by CKV, met him on a Sat at Lal Bagh after filling in a simple questionnaire. As I spoke to him he barked commands on how to do some exercise, explained why a particular injury happens & joked around with few. To me he said stop running for 2-3 weeks so that shin will heal else it might be detrimental plus told him a few exercise & send him a record of my food/sleep for a week. He was away from last week of Mar to May 1^st week, so we could start in May 1^st week & still do a half marathon by end of the year.

Driving back from Lal Bagh after a hearty breakfast at MTR I mused, although there was a sense of disappointment as I had to let go of my regime I felt this was the sensible thing to do. Yes the adrenalin rush was good for the first 2 months – it gave me the confidence that 10k is doable & half marathon I can complete but I will need help. Also I am in this for fun & for long run.

Written on 2 nd March

Running Log 1 - When every minute counts

Inspired Reading - Book gifted to me by Venkat

I have been a regular fitness person – walk-run-freehand exercise-yoga for an hr has been a 5 day routine since past 5 yrs. There will always be those usual days or weeks when you are travelling or not well but the underlying philosophy was to be fit. Going to gym, body building or having an instructor was anathema to me as I am a staunch believer of doing it yourself.

30 days back on 31^st Dec the marathon bug hit me, starting thought was – it will be tough but it will not be that tough. I am a fit person anyway.

After one month here are some after effects….

Starting up, after talking to a few 10 yr old runners &  a first time runner (who was my real inspiration) I was referred to www.runningandliving.com – I got the jist that I need to increase the stamina and hence increase my walking & running time. So I increased my walking time from 15 mnt to 45 mnt but the real challenge was to increase the running time. My typical running time was 3 to 5 mnts which is roughly 1.5 to 2 round of my apartment. As it’s easier to count no of ‘apartment rounds’ I could easily move from 2 to 3 but beyond that it was like climbing a mountain.

Body, one month has seen a shift in the body muscles. I can feel the muscles which I could not before I started running especially when I move my legs to push the accelerator in the busy traffic of Bangalore. I can feel the firmness in my tummy & arms as I move around but for the first half of the day body feels stretched & exhausted & by evening I am completely dead. Today I am nursing a blister & pains in my calf muscles. Getting a trainer is playing in my mind, what was an anathema might become a necessity.

Mind, I always believed in mind over body, for running (and as a preparation for marathon) your mind is the key (with my limited understanding of a month). The concentration, attention, the push to do the last round it’s all in the mind till your body gives out. But the bigger discovery was the thoughtless or a blank mind. With the current status of work occupying 70% of your waking hrs & the increased connectivity – work is all pervasive. Thankfully running has helped me in blanking out most of my thoughts in the early hrs of the day – something which books on Buddhism failed to achieve in spite of me spending a yr on them.

Music, I had given up listening to music while running(or walking) couple of years back as I wanted to listen to the birds but even at 6 – mostly it’s traffic noise & less of birds chirping. So the headphones are back & with that I have got back my classical music which keeps me focused on running. There are chords / beats / renditions I glossed when I heard it while working / driving / flying – now the same music has a different meaning. This re-ignited my search for more meaningful music

Food, like all true bongs I enjoy my gulab jamun & my beer but I was disciplined to maintain my morning fitness regime so that the fat don’t add up – and more importantly show in the middle. But it started showing up few months back when pants needed urgent alteration & I had to rush to pick up dark shirts so that the bulge was not conspicuous. At 40+ your body probably burns less calories, as your metabolism goes down somebody told me over beer. So I am on sabbatical (3 months), no booze, no sweets, no colas, no rice….I guess this is the most difficult change.

But, where am I on running, after all that philosophy.

When I spoke to a colleague a few weeks back, who has been running for last 10 yrs – his time was 2 hrs 20 for a half marathon & I am at 20 mnt. As I write this I realize that every agonizing minute counts the journey of 15 mnts took a month.

I have to add maybe another 5 hrs to my 20. Will I make it by end of the year. Too early to say but I am sure I will attempt one marathon & I guess it will also make me a better person… 

Written in end Jan 2015

Being Mortal – Atul Gawande

How important are the choices we make in life? Depends on the impact it will make rather you expect / estimate it will make to you / your life. But what if I tell you “you need to make a choice for your patient and make them day in day out and complicate it by saying that the decision is about how many months / days will your patient live.” It’s not an easy job for a person with conscience, who believes in “helping others deal with what medicine cannot do as well as it can” (That’s his line).

Sitting in Bangalore and reading Being Mortal takes me and I am sure all readers to our harrowing experience of meeting a doctor. I detest it – the very thought of going to Manipal Hospital gives me the creeps. I know that I am not going to a doctor but someone waiting there to literally play with my emotions & collect cash. This is very unlike the doctors I grew up with – they were more friends rather extension of our family. If you see any Hindi movie made in 70 (I was seeing the original Khoobsoorat), the doctor will invariably come with a suitcase and will be called Doctor Uncle / Doctor chacha & he will visit your home & not the other way around. Things have changed – not sure for good or bad.

I found the book quite philosophically appealing, few notings:

Nice questions to ask,

As the patient in front of you is making a life choice (to live or not) & being a doctor you have given the facts for her to make a choice. To pay a role of an equal partner some questions which the doctor asks to help the patient make the right choice. “What were her biggest fears & concerns? What goals were most important to her? What trade-offs, and what ones was she willing to make & what ones was she not?

I thought these were very nicely put & you could ask these questions not before a live or die operation but also when you are making A big decision in life – Imagine asking these questions when you are looking for a change in job.

Time & how it shrinks

Whenever you battle a deadline, time shrinks, and if it’s the end of life that changes your outlook or revisit your values n beliefs. Just like the author’s father I saw my father (75) – an atheist and a rebel (who refused to stop smoking) quit smoking and be more amenable to temple visits & amenable to discussions around religion. I have seen that of myself as I ride the 40’s I am more health conscious & avoid holding grudges & conflicts with family members & give in more easily – I would rather sleep well than carry a grudge to bed.

Philosophy & Profession

Mostly people will not associate philosophy with profession but with overall life & it’s values. Meaning how will you apply what you learn in your life (outside office) to your job or vice versa. Many of us rarely reflect on the work which we are doing – or reasons behind the decision which we make in our job.

But what life teaches you is very different & more intrinsic as compared to what you learn reading business books or attending a seminar. Being Mortal – merges the professional & the personal as a single person and shows the dilemmas which we all face in job – being doctor is more difficult as compared to a business head because it’s more visible & stark but both of us are taking decisions which will effects the life of our people. The underlying philosophy of a doctor should be healing & not giving a solution or stating a fact and asking the patient to take a decision like an ATM. As a leader our job is to help the team member do the job given to her & not fix the KRA’s & expect her to do the same. The joy I felt of turning around an individual or making him proud of his work always gave me a much bigger high than the quarterly target. But then you have to be ready to defend your position & have a much larger sense of ownership – because you own the individual, his shortcomings & all his problems related to him. Unless you know that you can never help him grow.

Old Age

My most vivid picture of old age & its desperation is when I saw one of my relative who at the age of 80+ had to be bathed – dressed and taken to toilet. He was not allowed to eat sweets as he was diabetic and was on insulin. All bones with no teeth’s and barely able to move n talk, one day as he was talking his grand - daughter who was having sweets and was unaware of the fact gave the sweets to him. After half n hr when his daughter saw him eating she had to snatch it from his tightened fist, but he held on to it and cried to have few morsels of the sweets as his daughter kept telling it’s not good for him and can be fatal for him.

Relationship

The book deals with relationships of a different kind – when one member is in a very dependable state, when both of them are very old, when a daughter want’s to genuinely take care of her mother and puts her in a senior living home where she feels stifled and prefers being at home. Most of us are dealing with it – especially when we hit our 40’s & our parents hit 70 & of course our children are in their teens. Many of us deal with it objectively like a problem to be taken care of i.e. rationally – like the kind of facilities in a senior living place or moving your parent to your city where we are currently working so that you can take care of them.

It’s a difficult choice to make – parents are happy where they are (in their own city) even if they feel lonely at times they get to spend their evenings with their friends & they love the independence. These get accentuated when someone is unwell & completely dependent on other people and if you add to that the scarcity of a genuine doctor who really cares for your well being & not purse plus work & growing up children’s at home & of course our crazy schedule.

The book makes you think on the choices you make or are making.

Driving By – Random Notes - 1

The Boy

The boy must be in class 3^rd. Yellow shirt, cheque pants, black shoes. Thin – very thin, heavy school bag, but what caught my eyes was the fear in his eyes. There were 3 cars in front of me – every time the child wanted to cross the road some car/ truck / tempo traveller would move an inch or a motorbike would screech to a halt or somebody would honk loudly & he would step back. Grasping his bag more tightly as time went by I could read his mind – Late for class, again. As I moved closer to him - I told him. WAIT! Go to zebra crossing!! Should I drop you ahead?

I don’t think he understood – but I felt him loosen up, smile. The car in front of me moved ahead & as I inched ahead my eyes were glued to the boy in my side view mirror, after some time I saw him walk through the maze of traffic. My eyes followed, but my heart was in my mouth. Zig Zagging between the cars, bikes, trucks he managed to reach the other end. Both of us smiled together, heaved a sigh of relief and moved ahead - he toward his school, me towards my office. 

Mission Accomplished! Phew!!

The couple

They were very old – definitely 70+. They were on the other side of road at the bus stand. I was on the opposite side of the road waiting for the light to go green. It was a long wait and as I sat there waiting I spotted them. The lady was holding the man, firmly and speaking to him continuously. Both of them looked terrified, they were waiting for a bus to board. Every time a bus would come the lady would move ahead & try to read the no of the bus then come back first hold her husband’s hand & say something loudly – I guess that this is not the bus. As they moved towards the bus they had to battle the regular office goers – so once they were sure the bus is not the right one, they would go away from the crowd & stand in the corner. Both of them wearing heavy spectacle and I presume they had difficulty in reading the no.

This went on for 5 buses and I moved on. I don’t know if they got the bus, but for the rest of my journey & a long time after that the scene played out in front of me – the understanding between the couple a mix of worry, relief & the comfort which they could only provide to each other.

Written on 17^th Jan 2015

TOI – You stole my front page!!

Today’s TOI, Jan 17^th has been taken over by Apple. Vodafone has taken Front – front inside, back-back inside. Bangalore Times has Apple MacBook – full page ad. So we had iPhone 6 staring at us from TOI & MacBook staring at us from Bangalore Times.

I am sure the marketing & sales team would be waiting for the sales number to come in on Monday, later in the year - the media agency will gleefully wait in an award function for a media innovation award and TOI revenues would have gone up drastically.

What about the reader?

I am one of those 40+ who cannot yet adapt to the online newspaper reading. I need to feel the newspaper in my hand to call it reading, same goes with books, I would rather lug around a 100 page Murakami across airports than read it in Kindle. Let that be an aside.

Does it shows in a way the crass commercialization of a basic thing like newspaper. The fundamental objective of a newspaper is the news which is inserted somewhere between the ad’s. Also the nature of advertising has shifted from informing about the product to informing about the offers – especially with the e-commerce sites brandishing there discounted products in front pages, thanks to the millions they have raised from venture funds.

As a father I am worried about the impact the same has on a child’s mind – how would a 10 or 14 year old react to the offers? It’s obvious – Let’s buy them. Buy them now. Let’s buy one more – the offer won’t last. Ever aspiring for something new!! It’s ok to waste or have more than 1 jean or shoes because I am getting 2 at the price of one. There is a fundamental shift in their mind from scarcity to having more choices. Having too many choices is a larger problem. From ‘’which jean”, to ‘’which offer’’ to offline or online or mobile!!!! They are sifting through all these information in addition to the maths, physics & chem.

I know there is too much at stake for Apple & Times of India & the media agencies so I have decided to stop the TOI.

Written on 17^th Jan 2015

Keeping the tradition alive in 21st century

For most of us when the holiday list was shared 15^th Jan looked like a long weekend staring at us. The day being a Thursday, if you take Friday off you get 4 days – somebody quipped. It’s Mysore, Goa or Phuket – maybe a cycling expedition or a food / photography trail – which is in vogue these days. Oh! Of course all formats – online / offline - So flipkart to Big Bazaar will be on sale – Flat 50% off only for the weekend. Welcome to the consumer economy. How much can you buy I wonder?

My baba traveled from a village in the easternmost part of Bengal in 1949 enlisted in Armed Forces served the country for 35 years or so, fought in 2 wars & retired 15 years back. But in all those years, 13^th night was always the same – it didn't matter if he was posted in Kashmir, Kanpur, and Hyderabad. He has to spend the 13^th night making pithe. I do not think an exact translation is available in English language – calling it sweet is like calling ostrich a bird. It’s a traditional Bengali sweet made out of rice flour & coconut (sounds weird as I write it) on the occasion of Shankranti – a harvest festival.

My fondest memory of Shankranti is to go along with baba to the market hunt for a place where they could dry grind the rice (make rice flour) the most important ingredient of making pithe then buy coconut, jaggery & come back home loaded. Of course we will order 3 times the milk – again a very important part of the ingredient. Then there is something called a kuruni (kind of scraper but again not the right translation) which is kept aside only for this one day. Later as the fridge entered our house, we would keep a special kind of jaggery called patali gud in the refrigerator.

Post dinner the master chef of our house would spread everything around him and start – with me & mom as assistants, me for tasting, and she for helping & learning. The pithe making & storytelling of what happened in his village would go on till midnight. Once done, the entire house would be filled with this unique smell of milk, sweets, coconut. In those days there were no refrigerator so we would spread all types of pithe’s in a corner, cover them with newspaper and go to sleep in the same room – that being a 1 room flat.  

As a kid I used to look forward to the 13^th night – although it happened every single year – the sweets were the same; the process was the same I used to become feverish with excitement. There was something innocent about the whole affair. I guess in those days – with no malls to go to, no TV to turn to, no mobile & internets these were the small occasions we would look forward to & it bound the family together.

Cut to 2015 – Baba at present enjoying a longish breaks at the same village from where I am guessing he learnt to make these pithe’s from his maa & baudi’s, pre pone’s his night out by a few days. He makes 3 types of pithe’s & couriers it to me by DTDC. And bang on that reaches me on the 10^th – few days before Shankranti.

I reflect on the effort & hung my head in shame. As a family we would have spent hours staring at the TV screen as the master chef takes us from US to Australia, we live with the contestants every single day & our heart skips if Laura gets eliminated & tears flow if our favorite contestant fails to win. Here is a 75 year old live person carrying the tradition of food making in his head & making it with his own hand but we haven’t had time to learn the same – at least in the name of keeping the tradition alive.

Thanks! Baba is all I can say. Next time I will give it a shot & inch towards my 3^rd bok phul ;)

Wrote on 10/01/2015

Voices

The first time we heard their voice was in 2000 when Niki was born & 2003 when Joyee was born. It was a cry – I guess that’s how all of us start to make sound. Over last 14 years they learnt to speak – starting from garbled words to the right word to the right diction.

On June 14, the voices faded away and the house grew silent. It is a strange experience when you live in a house which had all kind of voices filled in every nook & corner of house. Discussions / decisions / games / fights / crying / movie reviews / seeing TV together & so on & so forth.

As the days passed we craved for these voices and tried to create our own pseudo ways of recalling them. We started hearing their voices through things associated with them – like TV shows which they were glued on.

We would let the master chef play in the background just to have some presence in the house – we know the sofas are empty but in our mind as we cook or carry on with our homely chores we can visualize the kids sitting & sweating it out to find out who is getting eliminated.

We would see the entire season of - “Once upon a Time” all over again because these shows in some sense took us back to the time we spent together, more importantly it brought alive all the discussions & story telling done by Joyee as would inadvertently would have missed a few episodes.

It’s a startling contradiction we parents live with – when the kids were here they will bring the house down because of their fights, debates, discussions, finally one of us would step in & after lot of arguments 2 of them would go back to their corners. As parents we never enjoy the fights & it’s after effects. We would often say to each other – when will these kids grow up & make peace.

Now, when they did grow up & leave – the peace becomes unbearable at times. We keep waiting for the vacation to begin when the nook & corner of our house will once again get filled with voices - laughter, screams, shouts, discussions, compliments, wishes…….anything which will make both of us to live through till the next vacation. 

Come soon Babes…

Wrote on 06/01/2015

A thousand Splendid Suns

I read Kite Runners long- long time back, the plot is there somewhere in the back of my mind but the thing I remember most about the book is the innocence of childhood friendship, losing it & the scars it leaves behind – a very poignant tale which reverberates in your heart a long time after you have kept the book down. Nikita read it in her summer hols & loved it. She is 15 – since then she has been after us to buy “A thousand splendid Suns”. She went back to her boarding but I got hold of the book in our library last week – I finished it in 2 sittings.

This is a book which tells you the life of 2 women in a war torn Afghanistan from 1973 to 2003. 30 years of Afghanistan (Kabul) seen through the eyes, heart n soul of Mariam & Laila. While the warlords of Mujahedeen & Taliban set rules of living outside the house the man of the house sets the rule inside the house – rules for the women. Religion, rather its interpretation is fundamental to both of them – whether it’s the Taliban or it’s Rashid – Mariam & Laila’s husband. The violence at home & outside is stark. But there are also bouts of love, hope & longing which keep’s the readers engaged till the end. After the first few pages you are literally living with Mariam & thinking ahead on what more can happen to her.

The book shows the impact of war on personal life. Sitting in the living room and watching the bombs drop in Afghanistan is one thing & reading the life story of 2 women in a war torn Afghanistan where parents get blown by a rocket launcher, brothers become shahid because they are fighting for jehad, or a misdirected missiles hits a truck & killing most of the refugees travelling in truck – moves you on a different level. It gives you a perspective on how war or conflict can have a fundamental impact on society which can be felt by few generations after the war is over.

Caught between the crossfire’s of warlords & politics, most Afghani’s fled their home & at one point there were around 8 million Afghanistan refugees in Iran & Pakistan living in horrific conditions. In fact the book took shape in the author’s mind when he visited one of the refugee camps.

There are several questions which came to mind – the first and foremost being, is it something my 15 year old should read? The answer after some thinking was a strong YES. She should know how cruel the world outside can be & how religion fundamentalism can shape personal / society / country & at some point world future. How being a women can be detrimental to one’s life in certain parts of the world. I know the next question from her will be - What next? Or So What? I do not have an answer but awareness is knowledge. The book raises many questions in your mind & children her age should spend time thinking / discussing it with her friends. One should go beyond the Twilight series & read books which pose questions about the world we live in & this is one such book.

Who is to be blamed? Religion – Politics - The Individual? As I read the book it was an instant disgust for what Taliban had done – if you read the Shari’a rules you will think – this can’t happen in today’s world.

I am mentioning a few below: Singing is forbidden. Dancing is forbidden. Playing cards, playing chess & kite flying are forbidden. Writing books, watching films & painting pictures are forbidden. For women – If you laugh in public you will be beaten. You will not paint your nails. If you do you will lose a finger. You will not under any circumstance, show your face. You will cover your face with burqa when outside. If you do not, you will be severely beaten.

But from Taliban’s point – they were only enforcing what was sanctioned by their religion.

When Russians invaded Afghanistan they brought in their rules - women were not only practicing law & medicine. So from our stand point we would say Russians were good for the country.

Afghanistan like Indian kingdoms had several tribes – pashtun, Tajik, ??, ?? who had become warlords & divided Afghanistan for their benefits. The warlords were trained & mostly funded by US to counter Russians. The warlords had their personal interest in making money.

Sitting in 2014 – this is history & history can only be read, understood, dissected, analyzed – but cannot be lived. To some extent you can relive those times by reading a book like – Thousand Splendid Suns / Half of a Yellow sun (Nigeria) / The Buro Quartet (Indonesia) / The millennium Series (Europe) are some of the books I loved reading.

I recollect what one of my prof used to tell us again & again before starting discussion on any business case – In retrospect all of us are the best strategist & will have all the answers, put your selves in the CEO’s shoes at that point in time & think what you would have done, In real life ‘maybe’ does not exist – It’s either a YES or NO.

Wrote on 01/12/2014

Feeling Lucky

Maybe it’s someone I spoke to some time back who is suffering badly because of a life threatening disease while I thought he was partying in Goa or maybe it’s the Air Asia Plan crash or the blast which happened at Church Street, Bangalore or the book by Dalai Lama which I finished today. But the feeling that I end the year with is “I am lucky!”

How often do we say that to ourselves? Rarely, I guess it’s the way our measures of happiness have changed over the years; we don’t believe in celebrating or enjoying the present moment but are always on a chase / search for the perfect moment.

Coming home before the sun has set from your work (a rarity in today’s world) sitting in the balcony of your own house watching the elegant eagles floating in air, having hot tea & jhal muri with your loved one. As the world outside goes into a tizzy to celebrate the last 4 hrs of 2014, we prefer to just sit & chat and I feel lucky just being able to do this.

As the sun sets on 2014 I end the year surrendering to Gulzar saab’s voice & songs playing from one of my favorite cassette (yes! I still listen to my cassettes in the days of MP3 N MP4) – a double album called “Dil dhoondta hai” which has Gulzar reciting poetry in his gravelly voice followed by a song from his film.

Here’s one - “Kitni choti choti si khwaish leker chal dete hain hum – ek ghar, ek angan, ek chulha, bas itni si zamin our use dhapne  ke liya itna sa aasman….So true guzar sahib! Happy New Year!!

You can listen to the song (not the shairi) from his movie Dil dhoondtaa Hai….here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3TW899qJAQ sung beautifully by Bhupinder.

Wrote on 31/12/2014

Year of Running, Volunteering & Writing (1)

Sunset at Jaisalmer

There are some quotes which are etched in your mind & one of them “What seems to be an end is the beginning of something new!” I have quoted this to many of friends when they are in between relationships / jobs etc. As a new year dawns this quote came into my mind as I booted up for my morning run on Christmas eve. At 45, what new can happen? Can one start something new? Why do I need to start something new anyway – life is good?

Some time back I had read Mark Zuckerberg learns 1 thing new every year, it was an interesting thought which stayed with me like the quote above. It’s challenging yet simple. It’s one thing to make a resolution of ten things & another to say “I will master this 1 thing” so in 50 year I will be master of 50 things.

There are lots of things I want to do in life. Difficulty (for people like us) is to choose & then dedicate ourselves to it. My guitar sojourn ended 3 years back when the guitar which Pawan my boss lovingly bought in 92 broke in pieces in 2012 after travelling with me for 20 years. There are 3 blogs many half written stories/blog posts / poetries / memoirs strewn over my hard disk. While my heart beats for education I haven’t stepped into a class to teach those who need it the most but cannot get it. While I run daily the thought of marathon looks a daunting task.

How long do we live? No one knows – there are so many deaths around me & that the law of probability does not hold good. Pessimistically maybe 75 years. So, that’s 30 years ahead for me. As my nieces who were born this year will step out of their college I step into another world.

As I reflected on that – I thought with Mark’s logic I can do at least 30 things. But then I am not Mark. So I choose to do 3 things for next year. Running, Volunteering & Writing. End Goal – Half Marathon before end of the year, 100 hrs of Volunteering, 200 Blogs.

Today’s score – 55 mnts,0 hrs,1 Blog post. Cheers! Happy New Year. (30/12/14)

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg Is the King of New Year's Resolutions (Inspiration for all those who are making /discussing / reviewing / writing their new year resolutions)

Death

2 days back when I heard the words “My father’s passed away” for a moment I did not know how to react, what do you tell a person apart from “Don’t worry, It will be ok.” Will it be? Will it ever be the same when someone who gave birth to you dies in front of your eyes? Someone who has taught to walk is not walking in front of you. Do we mourn death? Or Do we mourn the memories, times we have spent together? Or Do we mourn the time we could not spend & words we could not say?

You were lucky I thought – you could hear him breathe his last, say his prayers, keep his body preserved, nicely in a casket for people to pay respect. You did not have to identify the body amongst sacks of dead bodies kept in the morgue, stinking as most of them were rotting & then carry the body for 30 minutes. Nobody could pay respect because they could not stand the smell.

I was in my 3^rd round of the morning walk when I found the body of the pigeon. It was bruised, must be a case of dangerous flying – I thought. It was lying right in the centre of the running track – I ignored for the first time but could not take the image out of my ahead. In my next round I picked it up & placed it near a flower bed. So that it’s not crumpled by a passing car.

Later, I took bath, changed & came down to drive to office. Curious me, I took a peek around the flower bed & could find only feathers of the bird scattered all around & a house cat lazing in the sun.

As I write the blog, struggling with my thoughts / images of death from my past I get a call saying “the baby is on it’s away – am rushing to airport to be with my wife”. “Good luck – Take care” is all I can say.

Inside Llewyn Davis (ILD)

How far will you go to chase your passion? We are often asked this question maybe over a drink or in an interview or when you have to make a real tough choice? Mostly rational choices win – better money over job satisfaction (who has defined it anyway), New York over Mumbai maybe…

ILD is a week in a life of a budding folk rock singer on a snowy New York, who has no money and is managing by sleeping in couches of family n friends; his first album is not selling & reaches a point where he is planning to join back merchant marine union. You can read all about it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Llewyn_Davis & see the official trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFphYRyH7wc .   It picked up the Grand Prix at 2013 Cannes & was nominated for quite a few awards including 2 Oscar.

What I loved most was the lovely background score. It took me back to one of my favorite genre of folk rock, the days of Bob Dylan / Joan Baez. When singers thought songs can bring change in society & when lyrics were poetry, when people valued the journey more than the billboard charts, when a performance was sharing of ideas & passion.

Although it did not get nominated for screenplay, I loved the hue & tinge of the film which defined in a kind of era which has gone by. The movie is loosely based on Dave Van Rock http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Van_Ronk . What I found nice was if one looks at the instrument listed on the panel – it says guitar & it says it all.

You can sample the haunting music & looks of Joan Baez here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGMHSbcd_qI&list=RDHCpbBxCEvjh9Q.

Puja Musings 2014

Joyee n me - Last yrs Puja

Most of my school days were spent in Air Force Campus where the venue was the same – only the idols changed. Cut away from a large part of city, any kind of Puja was a large celebration for the well knit community whether it was Onam or Ganesh Chaturthi. 

In my Junior school days, being the creative sort I was dragged into – Tagore dance to Disco dance. While Goswami Kakima lovingly taught me the various postures of Tagore dance, Mithunda stepped into my life & became a hero/guru for a long-long time till I saw Grease / Staying Alive & then of course MJ happened. But it was so much fun – practicing for hours for so many days, nights actually & then dress rehearsal when everything was perfect but on the day of performance something or the other will never work – leading to usual screaming & chaos at the last minute. But what I looked forward to was the food, playing with friends, and being away from Ma- Baaba’s eyes – so I could do what I want to do.

Senior school was about eye balling the crowd & and if luck smiles getting to know few girls whom we boys wanted to know but no coincidences will put both of us together. But our group was confident that all bangali parents will drag their daughters for the puja – all (ethnically) decked up to boot so it is one occasion we wouldn’t want to miss. Since large part of the school was also present – it was something to brag about & have fun by daring your friends & make them look like idiots.

Teenage – Initial Working days were the days away from home, where you came in as a special guest were more interested in catching up on your sleep (those days there were no internet & no mobile) & books rather than attending the puja.  Ayn Rand, Krishnamurthy (& many others but these were the game changers) stepped in heavy & made me objective & question – all our rituals – because everything looked so hypocritical, steeped in tradition which had no logic & reason. Visit to the pandaal, was going to please Ma–Baaba & to get introduced to unfamiliar uncles & aunties – because I gave the bragging rights (rightfully deserved & no pun intended) to my parents in introducing me as someone who studied away, then working away & so on and so forth.

Marriage changed everything – suddenly it became a BIG family event with families from both sides wanting to showcase the match made in heaven (actually Sunday Times matrimonial) so it was all about introductions & background – our job was to deck up in the cloths given by our parents & of course jewelry & plonk ourselves on the rented plastic chairs (they haven’t changed in 15 years – I am sitting on one right now) & the drama would unfold. Depending on where you are – your embarrassment & “when will this end period” differed.

Kids took the focus away from puja to operations & managing kids – from diapers to selecting the dress & accessories (both of them being girls) to go in time for Anjali & answer their queries as to why not to eat before Anjali to carrying steel plates + spoons to standing in the queue & literally elbowing people so that they can eat to trying out rolls, egg devil, paturi & taking selfie – Phew!! it has been one rollicking journey till they WENT AWAY.

Today, as I sit on a plastic chair not wanting to stand in a queue of 200 + people waiting to give Anjali with 2 Bhog coupons in my pocket & looking at people milling around, gossiping, enjoying the most oiliest & unhygienicaly made food & dancing to an invited Bengali artist, tattoos of various types unknowingly or knowingly exhibited – I know I will be here again next year & year after next probably till I breath my last not questioning or finding a logic for being here.

Just being here is like letting go – from the mundane, objective, disciplined life that occupies most of our days to a chaotic, aimless & take it as it comes bonhomie for few days in a yr. 

Readers Prejudice(s)

I just finished “The Oleander Girl” – Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. She had become one of my favorite authors after I read “Palace of Illusions”. I followed it up with “Arranged Marriage” & “The lives of strangers”. While in Palace of Illusions the concept itself was so innovative / different that it gives you a different perspective of a tale which has been retold generations after generations. The other two books were more real life and beautifully depicted the up’s & down’s of a relationship & choices we make in our life. What stood out for me was how she could bring out a small & insignificant moment so graphically that I could visualize it, feel the hurt or joy in the deep recess of my heart. Both her books had the background of immigrants & the Bengali milieu – which I love, but after some time it does get repetitive & boring. So I gave her a break & moved on to some other books waiting in my shelf.

The Oleander Girl came recommended to me from a dear friend & I started reading it in earnest, but after a few chapters – everything became so predictable that I kept losing interest. Many elements like the Godhra riots & the Hindu Muslim divide looked force fit & the trappings of a spoilt girl were so clichéd that I was getting bugged as I read. But for my sheer respect & love for the author I finished it last evening.

Looking back, I remembered I had the similar feeling when I read Lowland by Jhumpa Lahiri earlier this year & Amitav Ghosh’s 2nd part of the Ibis trilogy – River of Smoke last year. I have read all their books ever published & hero worship them as those rare authors who can spin such human tales so beautifully. Then why do I feel let down? Literally, hurt & angry when the books are not of my expectation. Is it too much of the same thing? Is it that I can peek into the writer’s mind & know what to expect in the next few pages? Have they become jaded in their story telling?

Honestly, I don’t know, but yes I will definitely hesitate before I spend a large amount of money in buying the 3^rd part of Ibis trilogy (for reason unknown – it’s comes in hard bound & is very expensive) or pre-book my copy. I would rather wait for it to come to my reading library or a friend to buy it or maybe I will just try the e-book if it’s cheaper – If I get used to reading books on my pad.

Is it just a reader’s prejudice or Is it simply a devoted reader’s love for his author….If I meet Amitavda’ in his Goa house I will probably ask him over a fenny. Cheers!!

The lives of strangers

We live our life in a blur, most of us. School gives on to college, love, marriage & then suddenly you hit a stage when you know you are reaching the end of the road when you want to look back.

As we live our life day after day, month after month we also go through gut wrenching moments you want to forget – like the day I saw my mom’s body in a gunny back in a room full of such gunny bags stuffed with dead bodies & I was supposed to identify her face, I did not puke but what I have swallowed makes me sick even now as I write about it or the beautiful moment when I took my new born daughter in my hands after she was born & I broke down – These are moments which remain crystal clear in your mind even after 40 yrs - images which come in a rush like you are living it again.

Then there are times when you want to say something but maybe at that moment you did not have the conviction to say those words & they remained in your mind & the sorrow / joy / expectation. The feelings which ran through you gets hidden in some crevices / layers of your heart, maybe mind (I don’t know). 

These hidden feeling, unspoken conversations – creates at times unknown angst, aspirations shapes our view on life, our relationships, our behavior & our whole outlook towards life. And we live your life mostly basis the experiences & its effect it would have had in you at that moment but in the past. Yes in a way at that moment we move on, let it go but in a deeper sense you don’t.  Good, bad, ugly, delightful – these are the images which get stitched in your mind when you look back.

As I read, Chitra Divakurani I relived many of these moments. It was so real & so beautifully written that I could almost touch, feel & live with these characters (being a bong helped) & by doing relive their (mostly) angst & hurt. Short story writing is a difficult art, you have to build the character, the layers of the individual’s character in those 5-6 pages & close the story in a way that the reader keeps thinking about it, toys with the idea / feelings evoked by the stories till he or she moves on to the next book.

She does that with panache’. The fact that the book made me write the blog so that I could turn around my thoughts into a piece of paper is proof enough.

Footnote: I got introduced to Chitra by her BEST - The palace of illusions & went on to read most of her books. This particular piece was written after reading "The lives of strangers" few months back.

Mother's Day

Mother & Daughter's pose at Ellora (April 2014)

I have not wished my mother for last 2 years because she is not around. She passed away almost 2 yrs back but yes my wife is a mother of 2 and I wished her after seeing a Dettol & P & G ad in the morning newspaper – so did both my daughter’s. We went to dine in Nando’s & the smart manager wanted to take a pic of the family to celebrate mother’s day & send across the photo – They are running a promotion & end of the day we will be counted as successful conversion. On Facebook I see a 6 month old girl angry n confused at being forced to participate in a ceremony and pose for photographs by her mother. I am sure the mother would have wished her mother thru Skype – connecting Dubai to Siliguri.

The maid who cleans our utensils had no clue on mother’s day – but she was happy that we shared the cake with her which otherwise would have got wasted. I also recollected my visit to a sprawling mall – yesterday middle aged ladies who were busy roaming around the store with Collins & scrub to clean the racks / shelves from where people like us would have billed products worth twice their salary. I am sure they will go back home after changing few buses to reach a home which has bulbs but no electricity, taps but no water – and children who have no idea of mother’s day.

As the day comes to a close my daughter’s come to say Good Night to me, I wonder at the contradictions of life & the belief that they will see a better world when their turn comes to get wished on a mother’s day.

Americanah & The reluctant Fundamentalist.

Maybe it was a sheer coincidence that I experienced both Americanah written by Chidanand Ngozi & the movie version of The reluctant Fundamentalist by Mira Nair simultaneously. I had read the slim book by Mohsin Ahmed a yr back & was stuck by its realism and the style.

Both had the underlying theme of Americanization of this world. As I write this post – my 10 yr old sees OREO ad and I know that will be on top of our shopping list because she loves the cream & chocolate cookie, She just recently declared that she wants to be a singer & settle down in Singapore –innocently declaring that this her most recent aspiration. Her inspiration – Taylor Swift, she is in love with her lovelorn voice & sings them along with the music playing in her room as she studies for her IMO.

Ifemelu of Americanah did not have such upbringing & neither did I. We did not have a TV till 10^th & getting a pen from Russia was the only phoren experience I had that too because my uncle went to Russia for a fighter pilot training course. I had preserved that postcard for a long time – I think from Moscow or Kiev. Americanah (part of it) deals with the entire race issue in America & difference between Negro / African American & American African & beautifully depicts how racism exists NOW not 100 years back. How small-small things can add up to a humiliating experience.

In The Reluctant Fundamentalist as Changez returns from Mexico – he is stripped & searched, while his white colleagues are let off. Similarly he is picked by the police & interrogated although he is the partner for a high flying financial consulting firm. His name & beard was the trigger. So your position does not matter but your race does.

So, while I really liked the angst of Changez & Ifemelu but I think the choice is with us. For the younger generation (for me it’s my daughters) to decide whether that is what they want to do. Only thing is there is a twist to the entire theory & practicality of it. The way American culture has pervaded our house – I think they will be wearing “I love America” batch in the heart & formative minds. 90% of what they consume is from America – books, movies, music, food, QSR (Mc d / KFC …).

As a father at times, this worries me because I think they will be color blind when they have to make the choice. But I also feel secure that they will not be unaware, yes they will be spoilt of choice but after few rights & wrong turns they will choose the right path. 

I know I cannot change the world around them; my only job is to try & prepare them for their journey.

Pause...

It’s been 2 month’s since I wrote a line no let me correct it, crafted a line, no let me better that, put my thoughts on paper. Why do I write, rather why cannot I write (regularly)? Why is it so difficult to create those words which form in my mind early in the morning as I sip my morning tea in my balcony but gets lost on the roads to my office between phone calls, e-mails, meetings, reminders…and so on so forth?

Is it a question of priority or is it a question of discipline. Priority – What is priority? Can writing be another item in your check list which you can tick? An important task in your daily / weekly to do’s because it’s a job to be done just like you make a presentation or create a campaign. Can you prioritize between reading a great book or write about that thought which has been wriggling inside your mind like a worm for last few days or Can you prioritize between a swim and a lazy afternoon with friends vs an intellectually stimulating piece on tribal life in Nagaland which you want to write…
Can u write as a discipline, Can u open the laptop and except the words to come pouring out. Words which came to your mind as you were sitting through a boring presentation, words which choked you when you saw an emotional movie or experienced a touching moment with your loved one, words which filled up your mind, body and soul when you read something inspiring & felt “Gosh this is something I need to write…!!!!” Words which keep knocking at your head, day in day out because they do not have an answer and you know you do not have any hope to get an answer in this lifetime…

Honestly, I do not know.

I read a lot of new authors especially in the subcontinent and really like the way they express the turmoil, growth pangs, relationships, life changing events like partition, Afghanistan war and it touches a chord because I also go through the same & I like the way every story is interweaved to the current mileu, politics, leaders so much so that you can almost touch & feel the characters. Reading them tugs my writing side which becomes dormant or hibernates when “work & home to do’s” pushes me to scratch off “writing” from my to do list as I switch off the light for the day.

I do know that an end goal and discipline is critical for any writer – from Murakami to Amitava Ghosh to Orhan Pramuk that’s the only thing which makes them write such complex masterpieces. It amazes me how can they hold on to so much in their mind especially over such long period of time.

I started blogging to build the discipline of writing and till date that has been the reason and not who reads and comments. But somewhere I wanted to differentiate between blogging and real writing (short story, poems or a novel) and that struggle is still on. There are very few things which you can say “only you have created” which you do for a purely selfish reason of your creative satisfaction. For me writing is the only lasting thing which I do only for me, a close second probably is cooking but I do that for my little masterchefs and bring an element of surprise in our mundane life.

As I opened my laptop to write after 2 months, I had various things in my mind I wanted to write from the numerous books I read to the few stunning movies I saw to some unbelievable facts of history and politics which moved me.

But as I caught the first glimpse of the first monsoon clouds I thought let me just pause …just like the first monsoon clouds which like my thoughts keep hovering in the sky but seldom rains.