Coping with Death

I met him almost after 6 months when I had got the message that his 13 yr old son died, he was normal at his work (from the outside). I hear my MIL sing Rabindra Sangeet once a week, I meet my partner daily coping with her frozen shoulder - her father died a year back, In most days I get up at 4 from dream and cannot go to sleep - My father died 8 years back, My closest relative, a cousin suffers from body ache, headache, fever, sinus etc - her husband died a year back, suddenly. 

Death leaves an unknown mark or is it the prelude to death? The caregiving, the feeling of pain and tension which one goes thru before your dear one passes away. 

My hypothesis is that death happens in a moment but what happens before that kills people around silently & unknowingly.

When I went to see a friend whose mother died yesterday, she said - the worst time was when she had to go to US on work and not sure will she come back in time. She added “But, Life has to go on, and she could not say NO to an invite from Stanford. 

That set me thinking and go back in time. I had a similar ‘life has to go on phase’ - working in Mumbai, and travelling back to Bangalore to take care of baba, taking calls when chemotherapy is going on or when he is being operated on to remove the tumor. When he died in 2 days I had to get Niki admitted to her college in Ahmedabad.

Travelling back in the flight after doing his rituals in Assam was my turning point or so I thought -  when I took the decision to leave my corporate job and save the world. 

But the life has to go phase continued for another 5 years because we needed the money. Looking back I often question this whole thing about Life has to go on concept & the concept of money and concept of achievement. With 2 grown up children just starting fresh in their career I understand it means different things to different people in their phase of life. 

Growing up we had very limited means, I often would say to people ‘that was India’s scarcity phase’ and then came ‘India’s prosperity phase’ where we had money and things to spend the money on - but I never realized the curse of prosperity or what it does to our mind-body-soul & earth. Do we really need that much money ? It comes with all the lifestyle related illness which we are laden with and many relationships either torn apart or grown cold. 

I came a full 360 degree and now I try to consume less not only material things but trying to adopt a plant based food. Slowing down and trying to care of my mind and body which has still not healed after so many years. 

I still need time to cope with the death of my parents and relationships which have died on the way and which has more long lasting effect than the physical one.

Rest In Peace for those who left the earth.

Reset - Recover for those who are still walking this earth.

Deep Sleep

I woke up from deep sleep and found the outside world in turmoil. The trees were swinging from left to right as if it will break in two. The sky was dark and cloudy and I could hear the winds blowing everything off the ground. I sat for a while to get my bearings - Where am I? 

Rains and me have a connection - It rained when I was born, It rained when I had gone to immerse baba’s ashes and it rained when my moms body was kept in the mortuary and I had gone to retrieve it. I was thinking “Is this the sign of my death, maybe it’s calling out to me”.

What if I die tomorrow? Will I have a regret. No my heart said echoing a song which gently cried in my ears “standing in the crossroad with no will to run”. Beautiful.  

I was seeing some graphic of a book called “Climate recipe” - a set of beautiful line drawing depicting the thoughts on climate rather climate grief which was there in a writers mind. This particular one was about 1 million animals who died during covid. And I felt wow - this is what one would leave behind and say - that’s it I have done what I had to. 

But there is no end to these thoughts - Today morning when I got up not able to force myself to sleep I stared at the set of 4 paintings which I made in 20 23, they depicted 4 seasons. When I selected it I thought it was a great idea, of season’s depicting life and was full of excitement. But the excitement died when the painting was done. Probably all painters, performers, writers think that way when there work is over. 

The death of a thought, an idea before a new one takes shape.

Life is an idea or is it. When sleep eluded me today morning and probably driven by my discussion on Matrix with my 22 year old the thought that Life is MAYA came to my mind. We are all just artists in a stage playing a role. 

Do we live in relationships or does relationships live within us ? Do you kill relationships or do they kill you. Weird thought but so true. It’s all in our mind, some would say - it’s all in our heart. I wouldn’t know mine got killed long back. I am just carrying a physical one which pumps blood. I don’t know how long it will, Honestly don’t care much.

My friends are obsessed with good goal, for earth, for people, for society and then you hear about 2 mad men with their finger hovering on the nuclear button, lakhs of people dying sorry millions dying in war & I am sure similar no of bird, animals & plants across the world. And it all looks like a sick joke, a false assurance that I am doing good for society. 

I am no different from them but I am tired now. I am just 55 but I feel 75, I am tired, exhausted. I just want to trade all my objectivity, all my goodness for my friends, for earth, for society with some deep sleep. 

Nothing Else Matters…..

Lamboo n ME

The first time I saw him, he was wrapped in bandages and next time there was a cone on his neck. The owners were a young couple who had shifted next to our house. Over last 30 days they did their best to save him from kidney failure, infection and many more. Later when things settled they explained that in human terms he was 75.

He became friendly with me, he will walk towards me or nuzzle me and always look at me with such kind eyes that it was difficult to say whether he was human or not. But he also did susu / potty in front of  my house and his bladder n stomach were both out of control. 

Then suddenly, I was told that they were going to Europe for a few weeks, and can I take care of Lamboo for a few days before his caretaker starts staying in the house. I had never done that but looking at his eyes and his condition, I did not have a heart to say NO.

They explained everything but next few days were a revelation in dealing with a pet. I had to be patient and caring with someone who was not like any other dog who was hyper active and over loving - dogs who express selfless love n care. He would just lie in the bed and after cajoling for a few times he would accompany me to the toilet and then take a walk to the balcony. But just after a few minutes it will just go and lie down at the couch and looking at me expectantly as if I have to give him something.

So I kept talking to him and he would just listen for a while and then after some time go to sleep.
Seeing a dog with such close quarters even for little time I could feel such a strong sense of compassion that I probably have not felt for many humans. It was a mix of helplessness and also a sense of responsibility but I never felt annoyed just pure love. As if we both have a common sense of longing and loss. I know he was missing the couple as he would go near their door and wait for a while, me cajoling in the background that they are not there come here and lie down, it’s ok they have not left you - Some random conversations like 2 people talking in their own language but still having a sense of understanding.

I will never forget how he would wipe his eyes like a child, cover his eyes and go to sleep, blocking the light as I would slowly get up and close the door to a world which touched me     in a way which can be felt not explained. Ya, but I tried.

Thanks Lamboo