Deep Sleep

I woke up from deep sleep and found the outside world in turmoil. The trees were swinging from left to right as if it will break in two. The sky was dark and cloudy and I could hear the winds blowing everything off the ground. I sat for a while to get my bearings - Where am I? 

Rains and me have a connection - It rained when I was born, It rained when I had gone to immerse baba’s ashes and it rained when my moms body was kept in the mortuary and I had gone to retrieve it. I was thinking “Is this the sign of my death, maybe it’s calling out to me”.

What if I die tomorrow? Will I have a regret. No my heart said echoing a song which gently cried in my ears “standing in the crossroad with no will to run”. Beautiful.  

I was seeing some graphic of a book called “Climate recipe” - a set of beautiful line drawing depicting the thoughts on climate rather climate grief which was there in a writers mind. This particular one was about 1 million animals who died during covid. And I felt wow - this is what one would leave behind and say - that’s it I have done what I had to. 

But there is no end to these thoughts - Today morning when I got up not able to force myself to sleep I stared at the set of 4 paintings which I made in 20 23, they depicted 4 seasons. When I selected it I thought it was a great idea, of season’s depicting life and was full of excitement. But the excitement died when the painting was done. Probably all painters, performers, writers think that way when there work is over. 

The death of a thought, an idea before a new one takes shape.

Life is an idea or is it. When sleep eluded me today morning and probably driven by my discussion on Matrix with my 22 year old the thought that Life is MAYA came to my mind. We are all just artists in a stage playing a role. 

Do we live in relationships or does relationships live within us ? Do you kill relationships or do they kill you. Weird thought but so true. It’s all in our mind, some would say - it’s all in our heart. I wouldn’t know mine got killed long back. I am just carrying a physical one which pumps blood. I don’t know how long it will, Honestly don’t care much.

My friends are obsessed with good goal, for earth, for people, for society and then you hear about 2 mad men with their finger hovering on the nuclear button, lakhs of people dying sorry millions dying in war & I am sure similar no of bird, animals & plants across the world. And it all looks like a sick joke, a false assurance that I am doing good for society. 

I am no different from them but I am tired now. I am just 55 but I feel 75, I am tired, exhausted. I just want to trade all my objectivity, all my goodness for my friends, for earth, for society with some deep sleep. 

Nothing Else Matters…..