Being a caregiver

On A Good Day

One of the toughest jobs being a caregiver is to understand the unsaid. How can you get a cancer patient to voice what’s going on in their mind? The only question in their mind is When? In most cases death is the only finality which one reconciles to unless a miracle is on cards. Yes they do happen but you need to want it.

I had 2 lived experiences, one which is over and one which I am living through.

In baba’s case he had surrendered his care to ME & I became a primary source & decision maker. So at least the line of control was clear and the larger aspect was that he was willing to try everything possible to heal himself - from kiwi to coconut water to some herbal medicine. Super positive and disciplined about everything. At that point it looked normal but looking back I can realize what it would have taken to have that mindset. As I reflect back, one thing which worked was that we were a TEAM and worked towards a common goal.

In my current experience I am not a caregiver directly but being a small house experiencing what she is going through. Unlike baba here it’s complete anarchy and revolt, he does not want to take medicines or food. Is abusive towards his caregiver and adamant to go to the toilet at night resulting in him falling in the bathroom and developing a clot in his brain. She has lived through all this treating him like a child and offering all possible options of food but in the end he might just eat a spoon and she will have the leftover even though we will tell her not to. Despite the treatment she continues to get, she is soft spoken, does not raise her voice and accommodates him in all possible ways.

Not sure how she manages it but even from a distance most of us are at a stage where we avoid getting into a discussion on food or medicine as it leads to shouting and screaming at her.

From his perspective - he is hovering between sanity and insanity. I never knew the power of the subconscious but seeing him smile, talk about his childhood and cousins and incidents just shows what’s hidden inside the brain and when it will lay bare without us knowing it. Scary - but his locus of control is his caregiver and he punches it with all his might. Till he can that is.

My sense of right or wrong get’s grayer as I toss and turn both perspectives. My own frailty and shortcomings tints the glass further making further viewing a tough going.

But then we have to walk, time stops for no one nor can we.