Notes on Depression

It was with a deep sigh that I heard the suicide of one my wife's college friend. For her it was a deep sense of loss and feeling of helplessness and she and her friends were counseling each other to overcome this huge sense of loss.

Knowingly or unknowingly all of us have battled it, some come out of it stronger and most of us come out scarred and afraid to look back and few unfortunate ones succumb to it. I have personally battled it long enough to know that it is as difficult as being a gay /queer - because the society and work place puts a stamp of failure on the individual. I don’t think any of us would tell our bosses that we are depressed and hence I want sick leave - we will feign stomach illness or fever or anything. Although that is changing, most HR now have a helpline to an external agency which can be accessed with the promise that their details will not be shared.

One of the oft repeated which was going round was ‘Why did she take such an extreme step?’. It is very difficult for an outsider to understand / experience what the person is going through. It’s almost like walking on a tightrope and a single push may make the person fall. We all believe that we have all the answers but unfortunately we don’t. For someone in this phase Why ? is a confounding question for which there is no logical answer. And you keep going in circles. In the worst phase it feels like a dark tunnel with no end in sight and voices screaming in your head, you carry that through the day into the work and all your day to day activities (read high pressure perform or perish culture) and multiply that with days and months & it’s not difficult to understand the Why?

Seeking help is the best solution but how ? Whom ? is a difficult question which does not have an easy answer. You have to persevere to get the right doctor who understands your problem and is able to help you. Family and friends are the best people to turn to i,e if you can. Consider yourself lucky if you have a great safety net - but mostly people going through this phase don’t have that or they tend to ignore it.

Outlets are important - Running, Cooking, Seeing a movie, burrowing yourself in a book works for me. Being aware of your physical & mental state is crucial - nothing else matters. In the long term we are all dead anyway - it’s today what matters. 

Day 4: 200 words/day challenge, 446 words

Postscript: How does one describe ‘The French Dispatch’ By Wes Anderson - I haven’t seen anything like it before, It’s a work of art (& hence many people may not like it). It’s like the line which comes when you see a movie & say ‘Wish I was part of it in some way - I am happy to be the light boy. Any takers? :(  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_French_Dispatch The other Wes Anderson movies which is not very well known but are my favorite is  Moonrise Kingdom & The Isle of Dogs (animation)