Memoirs…

I started writing a diary probably at the age of 9/10. Don’t remember exactly and continued writing till 5 years back ....again I am not sure when was my last entry. But these were moments which recorded the deepest most personal thoughts sometimes desperate sometimes excited sometimes pure despair.

Reading Kirin Narayan’s “My family and other Saints” brought back those memories. It’s not one of the books which you start liking from the 1st page, (what we typically call the unputdownable) ….but it sort of grows on you. What does one do if – you are the youngest, your dad is an alcoholic, mom an American, whose brother is on his spiritual trip and above it all you stay in a house in Juhu where anybody especially the hippies can come in anytime, stay and go when they want …what she calls the most famous house in the hash trail.

There are kids who do and their kids who think. With thinking come millions of thoughts, constantly bombarding your mind….not all of them find an outlet. In fact most of them get repressed with bursts of anger / despair. All these thinking kids typically also are voracious reader as in the case of kirin and me. Reading gives you access to a world away from your world….and each of us find something to relate to. For some it’s a dream world, a perfect world…when ever I used to read Enid Blyton as a 5 yr old, it was like….Can this be true ?

Coming back to the book, what I liked is the detailing of Kirin and her thoughts as a kid. What was going on inside her mind at that point when a particular incident has happened and the mark it has left in her mind - forever. Her feeling towards her dad, mom, brothers and the entire situation she was in. It was almost like a ship tossing and turning in an ocean with absolutely no sense of direction and control. How this entire chaos has impacted her life and the choices she made in her life.

I believe, what I am today is because of what I went thru in the first 15 years of my life maybe 17/20….If Kirin is studying Anthropology in Winconsin USA writing thesis / paper on sadhus in himalayan foothill etc is because of the spiritual quest which the family was going through when she was growing up. Unfortunately, most of time we don’t have such a direct correlation. Most of the time the thoughts, feelings, are hidden in the recess of our mind / subconscious, especially in the early years of life…when you are making decisions, tossing all the choices thrown at you, growing up – physically and mentally. Most of the time and probably for most of us we don’t have the time to look back at these thoughts, growing up pangs, we prefer to move on.
But I do look back and at times I feel quite helpless. I know I want to provide a perfect environment for my kids so that they can make the best choices in her life…..But I also know I can’t control most of things around me at home or otherwise. The choices I have made in the past are like the seeds sown in the ground. These have now grown and created a garden (or a jungle I don’t know) in which these two saplings are growing. Once the tree starts taking shape I can only try and provide as much water, sunlight, nourishment as I can and leave the rest for them to figure out.

After another 10 – 15 years I don’t know if my kids will have time to look back. But I definitely will because then they would have left our garden and started their own. It will be nice to read / hear how they felt when they were growing up. Did they feel taken care of or did they feel like a ship tossing and turning in an ocean?

Well that’s after a decade as of now it Ahoy! Full stream ahead..