Relatives and the importance of keeping in touch….

I hated the word relative always from the age of 15 maybe a bit earlier. In those days relationships meant constant bickering, fights for no reason, mistrust, and brawls on silly things which actually led families apart. Most of the time I would either shut myself in a room or plug my headphones or just run.

I kept running till recently my wife announced, let’s make a trip to Cal, our kids need to meet up with their cousins, nieces, jhetus, kakimas. Mama dadu etc (these are Bengali words – in English all male is uncle and femaie is aunties). Since Sikkim was thrown in and I would get to eat all varieties of fish and sweets I gave in.

I never valued relationships beyond my immediate ones – my wife and kids and my parents and at the max my wife’s parents. Yes, if anybody needs help I am there but never made an effort. This time I made an effort and met up with few of them after 15 year. It was nice to see them, each of them have kids who are going to engineering college, somebody finishing graduation, somebody finding a job. It almost felt like a movie which was running and suddenly the power went off and the power came after 15 years.

In the return flight we got chatting and my wife was telling about what each one of her relative had gone thru and how the relationships exist or don’t exist between each of these couples. It was amazing….the story was not very different in most of the households – lot of struggle, few bitter experience, fights / misunderstanding between couples – relatives, most kids are out of their nest …building their own but still trying to keep in touch with their past.

As the plane touched down, I realized that no relationship is perfect but it’s important to be connected and be in touch with your extended family. The importance of bonding / sharing / spending time with our own people is drastically coming down for our kids. We as parents focus more on the kids going for piano-basketball-ballet class than just sitting and gossiping with their cousins.

Maybe these trips it will help the kids to be a bit more grounded than being the super efficient, focused nerds which they will anyway become!! Sigh!

Up and The princess and the frog

I don’t remember the first animation movie I saw, no not the spiderman variety which used to come in Doordarshan the “ANTZ”, Toy Story, Monster….and the entire PIXAR series. I just wanted to be part of it. Almost begging to myself do something to just be a part of this….Remember (or do u know?) Harrison Ford was a carpenter in some studio before he was choosen to play ?? in STAR WARS. I still have hope I used to think in those days….

Well days became years, Pixar keeps making movies and I keep my hopes afloat. See “UP” if you want to know what I mean. Story, concept, visual effect, dialogues OR see Princess and the frog. I came out of the film feeling fresh and nice and so did my kids. See these movies and you will let your worries go by.

It almost forces you to believe in fairy tales and live in it as opposed to face the harsh reality where your peace bubble can be shattered just by a phone call which forces you not to believe in the reality

It always make me wonder, what is a reality, “Is reality the life which we are living or the life which we dream to live?” Might look like a dumb question but ponder over it and you will realize that if not always but at times you would be ready to trade it for the cartoon characters and the 3 hr life, atleast I would.

First Rains

As I write this, sitting in an oven called 7^th floor in Bangalore in the garden city of India, I hear the first drops of rain the cold breeze which u can’t compare with the sanitized (bacteria free air as advertised by Samsung or LG or whatever) and the unique smell of rain on earth. I experience a joy, a spirit almost like a new beginning. A feeling which sparse writers like us feel when suddenly we get an idea and want to write nonstop till wither the idea is consumed or you get consumed…

One of my haunting memories of first rain is that of “sitting at Marine Drive and watching the dark clouds form almost like a battalion getting ready for an attack and they start moving towards you slowly and slowly….till it hits you and you are drenched again and again and again….but we keep sitting and let the rain hit us again and again and again till it loses and walks away…..But we waited for the next shower …and hoped that it will help resolve things between us and the world at large….”

Walking By....

I walk daily to office. I meet Chinese, Americans, Indians of course and smoking battalions who are banished from the office, who stand in the pavement and spew smokes on us innocent passersby. I keep seeing similar faces once, twice, 3 months, 6 months…sometimes they smile, and sometimes I do. Same tea shops, same cops, same beggars only trees are being cut down to accommodate more people passing by….

Above: 2 contrasting pics. Trees cover the entire stretch of road (100ft road Indranagar, Bangalore) and provide shadow for passers by VS trees cut and kept near a petrol pump (Airport Rd, Bangalore) ready to be shipped and converted to fuel….

The Joy of giving…

These days I am petrified by birthdays and anniversaries. Will they like the gift? Has she read the book ? There is this entire performance oriented culture has taken the joy of gifting. Fortunately the kids and the grandparents are still not affected by it.

Today when my parents came home after 1 year, they got some knick knacks which might not have any commercial value but the warmth and the glee which it spread across the household i.e. among the children was a treat to watch. While me and wife rationalized on the product – “color is so unique”, this is “easy and comfortable” to wear to office. Kids went all around the block showing off the plastic rings, hair bands, glow balloon or whatever they could lay their hands.

Reflecting on their smile and action I thought “they were enjoying the moment” while “we were waiting for the moment to come so that we can enjoy it”…..Don’t know when will it come though.

Why didn’t I have a teacher like this ?

Last weekend we went for a walk in Lal Bagh organized by “Bangalore walk”. Me, wife and my 10 and 7 yr old daughters. We wanted to do this for a long time but somehow as it always happens with DI2K (Double Income 2 kids) like us time is only an illusion which we realize only once it’s gone. Oh! The weekend is gone…..Damn the vacation is over and we are sitting on our..you know what.

So we dragged ourselves out of our bed at 5 am in the morning and somehow managed to get ourselves in front of the huge rock in Lal Bagh. At 7 05, we found an elderly gentleman squeezing his car (With great difficulty) between 2 previously parked cars, pull himself out and carrying 2 quite heavy bags move towards the big rock. That was the meeting point.

He introduced himself and laid down a few rules and started talking….For next 3 hrs we learnt about the oldest rock in the world, (which was the big rock in front of us), why Muslims build gardens, preservation of seeds, tipu sultan and history of bangalore, naming of trees, perfection in natural world, pollination, types of bees, how seeds were transferred in ancient world, half the food we eat and plants we see are actually from around the world..…etc. All this as we were walking with this elderly gentleman for almost 3 hrs.

When we all reached MTR and had our grand breakfast,.he told us that he was neither a historian, nor a botanist as most of us thought…he was just an engineer running his own business.

I was fascinated, that 3 hr talk on plants, seeds, made me my wife and our kids (they were only 50% into it most of the time they were busy touching “touch me not’s” and catching butterflies) wanted me to learn more about botany than anything. We never knew botany can be so interesting. Unconsciously even now if I stand in the balcony or see a tree in full bloom I look at it with a feeling which is almost humane. I know it will be difficult to cut a tree even if somebody puts a gun in my head and orders me to.

I looked back at my school days when I used to shudder at the thought of Botany, Biology. In fact I was so petrified in memorizing so many names, diagrams that I dropped Bio in 12^th and took Sanskrit. At least the books were thinner.

I wish I had teachers like this who made u love, respect and create a craving for a subject which would last a lifetime. Irrespective of age or the age difference, the group had people ranging from 25 – 40 leaving aside my kids.

On the contrary, when we asked him how his interest got generated….he said, when he was a kid and used to stay in Delhi, he had lot of free time during summer vacation and those days there were no TV, he had a huge library, so he read all possible books including the ones on botany, birds etc. He also had a huge garden where different types of birds used to migrate and stay in particular trees year after year. In a particular case he tied a note on a bird’s leg and wrote Delhi and next year when the same bird came back…there was a chit from Mongolia

The more I think about it I feel I want my daughters to let loose their imagination and do what they want to be. Just be…they will do something and discover their own stream. That’s the idealistic me just like I was telling my engineering batch mates whom I met after 19 year that before the sun sets I just want to back pack across the world…I don’t know how but I will do it.

But then there are these never ending practical arguments of CBSE vs ICSE boards, making our kids competitive and I just go back to my corner and read a book or open NGC / Discovery to be one with the world which I can’t touch in real….but only feel in my heart.

Power of Net

This is for those who have the access and the bandwidth and of course the inclination....Saw OSCAR on the net along with replying mails and taking calls. In the process also saw some of the clips of previous year's oscar.

Shortlisted a few movies which I wanted to see - Got Invictus & Precious will get Hurt Locker tomorrow.

Clicked a link and found a site where we can see online movies for free and these are classics like Roshomon from Kurosawa, or classic french, german movies etc.

All in the span of 24hrs and no I am not 23 yrs old I am 40. Can I do this for a living.....Amen~!

PS: In last 3 years all my travel tickets, hotel reservations and ocassionally ordering of food has happened on the net. My wife is a google map addict whether is an audi where a play is playing or we have to go a jungle lodge which is in the midst of jungle (obviously!!)....

Both my kids 10 yrs and 7 yrs have e-mail account, they chat and they have just started a blog. Thank god, they have not asked the above question (see pic)

Up in the air & Avatar 3D IMAX effect

The OSCAR connection made me grab the DVD, last time I was in CMH rd, Bangalore hoping that the quality was good and thank god! It was. Liked it but not exactly was super wowed by it. I am one of those list maniacs…need to see all the Oscar movies and those gets nominated for cannes etc. Last time, after a long gap of 3 – 4 months I saw Wrestler, Milk, Benjamin…..and all 3 were masterpieces in it’s own right. (More about them in another post sometime….)

It’s a nice story about recession and how a person’s job is to go to various organizations and tell them on their face that “You don’t have a job from tomorrow.” And he has to say it because that organization does not have the guts to say it. It took some time for me to get a hang of the concept….but it was not about that.

The story is all about how a young rookie who joins the company and finds a much better way of sacking people (by a third party remember pls). Her plan: Set up a call center, have a video conference call and sack the person. Advantage: You save on travel, hotel bills and cover more ground in the same day. This is completely in contrary to what our man wants…He wants be the 7^th person in world to clock some 10 million miles, loves travelling for 300 odd days in a year has a membership and privileges of all the best hotels in US and hence his life is super efficient and super simple and of course he does not believe in marriages only kinky flings. He enjoy’s the luxuries / privileges which comes for free, has no accountability (unlike the people he sacks), he has to just go and tell them…"Tomorrow is your last day…so start packing…” See the contrast! It was quite stark actually.

So the usual learning, unlearning happens and our man start believing in relationships helps out his sister, the young rookie in her new job (she quits because one of the lady she served notice jumps from a bridge and kills herself.) By the end of the movie he is a changed man.

Net – Net: Storyline was quite predictable, acting was quite ok. I am sure the girls & women would be swooning over George Clooney’s charm and wit. I might be really a wrecker here but I am not a big George Clooney fan but I enjoyed his Ocean Series like I enjoyed Shahrukhs Om Shanti Om. (I am not a big fan of Shahrukh either) but the only movie where I found him different was Syrianna which was a movie with a message and some solid acting.

Just like SRK gets nominated for almost all Filmfare awards I guess the unemployment storyline and the message of hope gets the OSCAR juries nod.

On the contrary,

I just came back from Mumbai and saw Avatar in 3D IMAX, it’s just mind boggling. I saw it for the second time. The first was also in 3D but there is just no comparison between 3D and 3D IMAX. You can only experience it to believe that a movie can be made in that scale and with that vision and detailing. See it to believe it. That’s what I mean by the OSCAR effect. And yes I will be rooting for it.

I will not regret the late night "Avatar" show after my work in Mumbai although I had an early morning flight to catch, but “Up in the sky” ....well, it kept me wrapped in some nice thoughts for a while before I drifted off to sleep. Anyways good look Clooney bhai may the best man win.

Holi - Convenience & Traditions

This year Holi was on Monday which was not a holiday (being in Bangalore). Natasha Appartments that confluence of culture thanks to the IT brigade and dominated by North Indians decided to play "Holi" in the morning and have the "Holika Dahan" at night. In real world "Holika Dahan" happens the previous day.

I was just reflecting on it and thought....Holi was never about ..holika dahan or victory of good over evil. It was always about convenience & fun over traditions.

When I was a kid it was about going all over the campus, having bhujiya, sweets, chota kids crying, bada kids doing dadagiri, the teenagers looking for their opportunities (I mean boys).

In college it was about bhang and it's after effects. Some one crying for 3 hours, someone holding on to a pole singing for hours and few of us in the mud n water tank. And yes lot of mis happenings. My IMT friends will remember....

This year, I didn't want to go down and put gulaal on peoples faces whom I hardly knew, so just put tikas on each other, kids went down had a blast came back completely drenched....

Above: A photograph of the way Holi is played in Delhi. This was 2004, ya that's me , reema and the kids...Gosh! I will never forget that one...

How talented a person can be ?

I saw Paa on 1st Jan and was awestruck with Amitabh's performance. I mean at times we can rave about a performance or a role and at times you just soak it in. It just goes inside and stays with you for a long time. This was one such movie. The only other riveting or intense performance of Amitabh (in recent years)I can think of was in Black.

About a week back I got hold of the Paa soundtrack and heard Amitabh sing "Mere Paa" and I was like..."I can't believe it." If you listen to the song the only image which will come to your mind is "Auro". That's when the title of my blog and the thought stuck me.

Above Pic: Along with Amitabh, we have Nikita who has been singing in choir for last 2 years and Joyeeta in her first. I can't act like Amitabh but I am a proud Paa who (as I have started believing today) has 2 daughter who have unlimited talents:-)

Choice & Trust

For as long as I remember the operative word for me has been “choice”. I think it followed the “objectivity” phase post Ayan Rand or maybe these were both sides of the same coin. Not very important really, but these words underpin my philosophy of life. 15 – 20 years back when you are fresh out of college you are experimenting with various things relationships, jobs, a different lifestyle, you are reading a lot, getting in with touch with lot of different individuals, trying to fathom their views. As you are do that you are filtering through your choices and forming an opinion of life and it’s expectations. In these years “choice and objectivity” were the primary drivers because these are rational choices you were making and trust followed only after you made the choice.

I call this the “western view”. We start believe that in a relationship, if things are not working out it’s better to tell quits than suffer go thru this daily verbal duel, mind game. But I have seen several divorce cases around me wherein both parties feel that they have exercised their choice too fast and probably they want to come back. I had a similar very strong view on arranged marriage. How can 2 individuals who don’t know each other can actually come together. It was an insane thought. Today most of us believe in this western view.

If you take the same example of arrange marriage or if you take the guru shishya concept or the concept of spiritual leaders like Buddha it was always trust first and then choice. You trust that the marriage is going out or a Buddha can lead to enlightment and hence choose him as a guru or master. It can never happen the other way round. Can you make a “choice” without having “trust”. Take any situation or an individual you are exercising a choice because you trust “that person or yourself” that it’s going to work out. I call this the “eastern view”.

At one level it sounds very basic but for me it was a paradigm shift because it has changed the way people look at me or what they want from me. It’s very easy for me to make a choice because I am making that choice and I want the other person to deliver (that’s the typical western way of looking at things “give me first and then I will give you” and that’s an easy equation to establish). But when somebody else is making you as a choice or choosing you it’s because they trust you to deliver. If you are not delivering you are actually betraying their trust (that’s the eastern way “I will honor your trust”). Just to make it more practical put yourself in a son, father, husband, boss’s (you as a boss) shoes and then try to look at the difference. I am sure most of us play these roles for the 80% of the day and probably things will be in perspective.

That does not stop me from me “making my choices” as an individual – I chose to write this post at 3 am because the thought have been knocking on my head for some time but I know I will still get up at 8am to wake up my kids for their badminton class which they should not miss because I don’t want to betray their “trust”.

Above: Joyee's interpretation of our dream home....probably inspired by her jaipur trip.

Growing up with Post It's

My kids are growing up with post it’s put up on the refrigerator – 12 rotis, cut pineapple, methi saag etc. They have a check list pasted on their cupboard – clean shoes, sharpen pencil, get your diary signed etc. They have processes on what instruction to be given to maid 1 and then to maid 2.

I take them out for movies, vacations, enroll them in hobby classes, buy them the best books, movies they want to see. Celebrate their birthdays the way they want. Spend as much time with them, cycling, talking to them, reading stories at night, having fun in trips etc etc. As far I am concerned they are top priority and rest everything else can wait. Both of us are at our wits end to manage life smoothly so much so that by the time

I am just not sure that a kid’s mind understands life as an equation. Wherein paragraph 1 is debit and paragraph 2 is credit. And both balance each other. So it’s a done deal. Often when I see them fight with me or my wife……these thoughts reverberate through my head like loose cannon balls, not for an hour / 2 hour but days….Are we are robbing them of their innocence? Are they growing up too fast? Do they despise this?

Because I know the answer to all the above questions is probably “yes”. I know I can’t control everything happening around me, so I try to control what I can and go in one of these guilt trips once in a while. I don’t hope / expect them to understand when they grow but I try and make them smile as much as I can….even if it makes me look like a fool in front of their friends.

Keep smiling girls! For me that’s the only thing matters and I will be there always…Good, Bad or Ugly.

Stop Asking Why?

2 yrs back my wife was detected with carpal tunnel syndrome and she was in terrible pain. Seeing her I was quite petrified and suddenly I became very very health conscious. In fact health became top priority and I got into the regime of morning exercise, yoga, sudarshan Kriya. In addition I started using a raised platform for keeping the laptop and using an external mouse etc.

On 4th Jan I got a test done and the doctor confirmed that I have “carpal tunnel syndrome” and tendinitis of thumb. I had gone to the doc because I had numbness in both my hand and my thumb was aching bad for some time now. The doc was quite clinical, “fix a date in the first week of Feb, we have to cut your wrist, and press a bit to loosen up few nerves, you will be off computer for 3 weeks after the operation. It is a small operation, will cost 50 grand approx and you will be out in a day or two.” Listening to the doc I almost felt like a robo speaking to me, I could have literally changed his face for a PC and the prescription would be the same.

In last 1 year 3 of my friends lost their father after trying their best to revive them for 4 to 5 months. They did their best (money was not an issue), the best doctors, best hospitals whatever money could buy but I am sure all through they were prepared for the eventuality. Then there is this famous case of SAP CEO, who was a marathon runner but tragically died of heart attack.

There are many instances like that when I realize the futility of all this future thinking. We can only try. Period. Nothing more nothing less.

For some time now, I have stopped asking why? Not out of a sense of futility, but more as an understanding that the present is what I have. Let me not cram it with a schedule which helps me prepare for the future.

Above: A beautiful picture from our room in Lovedale (sooo!!!! cute name) Ooty

Why blog ?

I opened my account with bloggers on 3^rd Aug 2006, which is almost 3 years ago. It was more for fun and grabbing the url. So I started off with some post of friends, happenings and since I read a lot and love movie some thoughts around a book / movie forms quite a large part of my blog. Then some incidents / visuals /philosophical thought which keeps nagging at me or provokes me....But in the end it’s the sheer joy of writing.

Also for me it was to inculcate the discipline of writing, it’s difficult with a job which requires to travel for 10 days in a month, and every day is layered with series of meetings, negotiations, con-calls so by the time you come back and the kids hug you good night, the only thing you want to do is to curl up on the sofa and watch a nice movie or read a book….It requires much less of an effort. Although, I always have a note pad handy with me to jot down few thoughts which at a later date gets transformed into a poem/story and surfaces in my blog ....

But then, as someone very rightly said “If you keep doing what you always do, you will end up getting what you always got” and I don’t want to end up just seeing movies and reading book. I want to make those movies and write those books and writing just helps me to clarify a few things and gives it a perspective.

For lot of people blog is an affirmation of what they are, because they can write things they are not comfortable talking about it with people who are around them. They would rather write and discuss it online with people whom they don’t know.

For me, blog is just an online assimilation. I just trust google more than my laptop…..

copenhagen & platic bags

I had recently visited Mumbai when I saw this installation near worli, Couldn’t make out the building on which it was put up. “1000’s of mineral water bottles are stringed together and draped from top to bottom of the building in such a way that from far it actually looks like a water fall. The location is so focused that you just can’t miss it.” In the bottom there is only 1 line which says “Is this the only waterfall which our grand children’s will see?”

I found it very thought provoking, although this was much before the shindig happening around the world on global warming. As a lay man and as an educated individual I feel for the cause but I guess the time has come to do something more than just be aware. So I thought I will just start by saying “no to plastic bags” and make a beginning…..

For more on the impact of these plastic bags, see this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6rOZjXi03c or you can just google and sift thru a million links.

The search page gave me a comfort that a million people in the world are at least thinking about it and hopefully most of them are implementing it.

100 years of Solitude….

It was a sheer coincidence or maybe it was a game of destiny that I was reading “100 years of solitude – by Gabriel Garcia Marquez” on the eve of my 40th birthday. I turned 41 on 4th Dec. But since I kept the book down yesterday night at 1 am, I was haunted by the word “solitude”. Some books are just meant to be read and forgotten like Dan Brown’s latest which gave me company during my recent travel to Delhi and Chandigarh….but some books jolt you up, cajole you to look back in your life and remember fleeting moments of the past, ponder over the present and helps you to tone down your expectations from the coming future.

Occasions like birthdays have an elevated sense of celebrations all around the entire day, starting from the midnight surprise, to the early morning hugs and the secret glances going around the house when you know something is being planned but you dare not ask albeit you spoil the fun. And, of course the sms’s which start pouring in from 6.30 am (yes that’ when I got first the message).

So reading a book where revolution, suffering, struggle to survive, death and of course solitude was the recurring theme was probably a jolt to reality. By the end of the book I fell in love with the word solitude because I figured since the day I took my first step outside my home in 1987 and landed in a small village to do my engineering to the time when I landed in Mumbai to start work to the time when I was waiting outside the maternity ward to hear my daughter cry to this moment when I am writing this blog I had only solitude to give me company.

As I finished the book and closed my eyes last 40 years passed by me like a train of images linked only by my moments of solitude. And I felt that everything in life is like an event when you are experiencing it because you are enjoying the moment you want to feel the ecstasy or the pain but very rarely can you reflect at that moment.

As the years go by, lot of things will happen with you, lot of things will happen around you, at times things will happen and at times things will fall apart but the only thread which gives meaning to this life are those moments of solitude when you try and figure out “what this life is all about”?

The HI NI Circus or is it really a scare?

If we were playing “Kaun Banega Crorepati” and I was in place of Amitabh and my kids were the players they would have won hand down.

Can I go for the painting competition in Leela?
The yoga class in Jayanagar?
Lunch in Mainland China ?
No, No, No
The answer for every single question was the same, yes you guessed it HINI.

Are we panicking? Or is it the right thing to do? I think all of us have been asking the same question including my boss. Who prefers me to stay back in Bangalore and plan for the Diwali Sale than walk the streets of Mumbai and get the germs back?

What is a terrorist? Aids? and of course H1 N1 were not common questions I asked my parents in the breakfast table. But they have become part of our daily life. And it will be wishful thinking that they don’t pick up these topics in their school bus, play grounds and school of course.
When the H1 N1 scare started my official mail box got flooded by at least 25 mails a day. So, much so that the web administrator had to give a stern warning not to send such mails. Press, TV, Internet – there seems to be an information overdose. I get 200 + channels watch only 3, 20 pages of newspaper read 10 articles when I browse the billions of websites I actually visit/enjoy only few.

We as a generation have become over cautious. These days we are much more informed, connected and hence more cautious in everything we do. It is difficult to know “Where to draw the line?”.Watch Out. Watch Out. These are the words which scream out before we do anything.

Are we missing out on our sense of adventure?

When we were growing up, we belonged to the “try it out” tribe. I still remember when I stepped out for the first time from my Engineering College I lit my first fag that was 19 87. The last time I stepped out of my MBA in 19 95, I gate crashed into a wedding and enjoyed a hearty Punjabi meal. Oh! What fun even the caterers new us. In between I did lot of other things……will write on that some time later.

It was un programmed life. There was no definition of “What I should do?” & “What I should not?”. There was a kind of freedom which made me felt alive. There was a sense of discovery….I still live by these rules, whether it’s a new author, director, new place I visit even if it’s because of work.

Pic on the right: Tucking into a huge pan (almost looked liked a roll)in Meerut, Begum Pull at night 12o’clock, Lassi in Aligarh, Somewhere between Haridwar and Doon.

I am not sure I will be able to transfer this spirit of adventure to my kids. But a day after the Independence Day I salute my parents for giving me this and I hope 15 years down the line my kids do the same…..

The death of conversation

These days we don’t talk,
We sms,
We mail,
We chat.
We don’t debate
We write blogs
I read between the lines.
Is it a sign of times to come?
I don’t know.

I wrote these lines maybe a month or two back. I have this habit scribbling down a few lines in a small pad in between flights. Sometimes these thoughts grow into a blog and sometimes they get washed down my washing machine. Today at 4 in the morning these thoughts came back to me once again and kept rebounding across my head and in the end forcing me to get up …….

It’s true, I haven’t learnt so much about someone so close thru blog as I could by talking, sharing living together in last 10 years. So what’s wrong, I asked myself? I didn’t have an answer I still don’t but this nagging feeling inside me kept coming back. It was like violation of trust…How come a person so close feels this way I don’t know and I have to go thru someone’s blog to understand her.

My diary was my closest friend till I burnt them few years back. At that time I couldn’t really fathom my action but the feeling was so strong that it propelled me to destroy them. Looking back maybe because it was because I didn’t want her to know / understand me by reading my diary. Why can’t we talk? What’s in my diary is also in my soul. “Let’s discover it on the way rather than you reading the past and coming to conclusions” was my refrain, whenever there was a read request for them.

If we can feel,touch and of course talk, Is there a need to blog? Or should it be there for posterity just to look back and see how we felt about few things on our journey called life...I am not sure reading Jabberwock which I adore is very different from reading someone's blog who is so close to you.

For the time being I would rather start a conversation.

Memoirs…

I started writing a diary probably at the age of 9/10. Don’t remember exactly and continued writing till 5 years back ....again I am not sure when was my last entry. But these were moments which recorded the deepest most personal thoughts sometimes desperate sometimes excited sometimes pure despair.

Reading Kirin Narayan’s “My family and other Saints” brought back those memories. It’s not one of the books which you start liking from the 1st page, (what we typically call the unputdownable) ….but it sort of grows on you. What does one do if – you are the youngest, your dad is an alcoholic, mom an American, whose brother is on his spiritual trip and above it all you stay in a house in Juhu where anybody especially the hippies can come in anytime, stay and go when they want …what she calls the most famous house in the hash trail.

There are kids who do and their kids who think. With thinking come millions of thoughts, constantly bombarding your mind….not all of them find an outlet. In fact most of them get repressed with bursts of anger / despair. All these thinking kids typically also are voracious reader as in the case of kirin and me. Reading gives you access to a world away from your world….and each of us find something to relate to. For some it’s a dream world, a perfect world…when ever I used to read Enid Blyton as a 5 yr old, it was like….Can this be true ?

Coming back to the book, what I liked is the detailing of Kirin and her thoughts as a kid. What was going on inside her mind at that point when a particular incident has happened and the mark it has left in her mind - forever. Her feeling towards her dad, mom, brothers and the entire situation she was in. It was almost like a ship tossing and turning in an ocean with absolutely no sense of direction and control. How this entire chaos has impacted her life and the choices she made in her life.

I believe, what I am today is because of what I went thru in the first 15 years of my life maybe 17/20….If Kirin is studying Anthropology in Winconsin USA writing thesis / paper on sadhus in himalayan foothill etc is because of the spiritual quest which the family was going through when she was growing up. Unfortunately, most of time we don’t have such a direct correlation. Most of the time the thoughts, feelings, are hidden in the recess of our mind / subconscious, especially in the early years of life…when you are making decisions, tossing all the choices thrown at you, growing up – physically and mentally. Most of the time and probably for most of us we don’t have the time to look back at these thoughts, growing up pangs, we prefer to move on.
But I do look back and at times I feel quite helpless. I know I want to provide a perfect environment for my kids so that they can make the best choices in her life…..But I also know I can’t control most of things around me at home or otherwise. The choices I have made in the past are like the seeds sown in the ground. These have now grown and created a garden (or a jungle I don’t know) in which these two saplings are growing. Once the tree starts taking shape I can only try and provide as much water, sunlight, nourishment as I can and leave the rest for them to figure out.

After another 10 – 15 years I don’t know if my kids will have time to look back. But I definitely will because then they would have left our garden and started their own. It will be nice to read / hear how they felt when they were growing up. Did they feel taken care of or did they feel like a ship tossing and turning in an ocean?

Well that’s after a decade as of now it Ahoy! Full stream ahead..

Ode to Pink Floyd

At 01.01 …..date unknown

Sleep alludes….
Why is there is no Signs of Life
Is there anybody out there?
Or Is it just a Wall all around.

Wish you were here? is just a phrase
I know
I am stuck in Terminal Frost.

The great gig in the sky
Was not for me,
At 18, I heard Shine on you crazy diamond?
At 24 - Money, was the post war dream
At 40 – I live life ……Comfortably Numb?

The dark side of the moon was not just
A momentary lapse of reason.
When the division bell rang……
It was the final cut.
I curl up in my bed
I know
When I get up morrow
The show must go on and on and on…..