And the end is almost here..

We can’t live life backwards, but we love looking back. Especially in families it’s subjective with whom you are looking back - a mother will think differently for a daughter and yes differently for both her daughters. The same mother will think like a wife (and what she was before she became wife) when looking back when she thinks about her husband. The same wife has a whole new story looking back about her parents and about her sister. It’s a complex maze and very subjective n selective.

We cannot choose our families like our friends, you have to live with them for a long period of time before you have your own, Even if you are not living with them - they are there, voicing their opinion, views, suggestion/advice etc. Especially with video you can also see their face and be attentive - I know many who scroll through Facebook and Wapp messages as her mom rambles through her day - what happened, what did not. It’s hypocrisy in one sense but the daughter is fulfilling her duty by calling her daily at 9pm.

Reading ‘The First House’ by Avni Joshi is like trial by fire. Because reading it you will come across some passage and some character or some incident which you can relate to your life and flinch. Her portrayal of the incident / character will be so brutal that you will think - I thought like this (and even though in your heart n soul you will think this is the right thing. You would have said to yourself ‘No this isn’t right’ and deleted it. But like we all know our mind stores everything - we just need a trigger to recall it.

It’s easier to deal with friends and colleagues because you can just cut them off, be diplomatic or avoid them but in family you will have to live with contradictions, suppresses emotions and an ever changing human at the other end. Till the end.. 

As the year comes to a close we move back to our First House where we stayed for 10 years. It has memories of children leaving for school and then college and then again college. It has stories of illness, recovery, death. It has stories of locked doors and battle fought at both sides of the door and inside the door. It has seen so many sunrise and sunsets, death of a tree which flowered every autumn and was filled with birds who would wake us and pitiful cries of fledgling birds for their feed.

I don’t know how long I will live, but the house will probably outlast me and continue seeing this human story unfold.

Seeing B/W movies in the era of multiverse

 Witness of the prosecution & The Great Escape

Witness of Prosecution luckily was there for some time and I managed to see it last week. It is probably one of the best court room drama I have ever seen. Made in 19 57 and in B/W, the twisted and turns are only conveyed through dialogues, expressions and settings - camera movement. In fact when I was part of a movie club where we would scree movies and analyse a few - these were the key. Look at any Alfred Hitchcock movies. The ending was a completely unexpected double twist. So much so that after the movie is over the announcer requests the audience “not to divulge the ending”. 

The main character/lawyer Charles Laughton is pot bellied, old, retired as a barrister has had an heart attack - someone whom anyone can imagine to be a lead. But he just vowed me with his performance, dialogue and his acting comic - sharp but kind of bungling genius. The movie got nominated for 6 Oscars and 5 Golden Globe. And, later I found out  that it’s based on a Agatha Christie book.

The Great Escape is a fictionalised version of a true incident which happened during WW II where commonwealth prisoners were kept  in a new camp. The camp was a new prison specially made where all the jail-breakers or people had long record of trying to escape the prison were kept in one place. And how they planned to break through by digging 3 tunnels - Tom, Dick and Harry. 

It was interesting to know that there was cell in British Army whose role was draw attention of the army away from the real fight by doing these escape attempts or doing other small diversion activities. Much like the terrorists are doing now a day by infiltrating different countries. 

The plan was to help 200 people escape but only 75 did out of which only 3 finally escaped & 50 were shot dead. Like todays encounter everyone was told that they were trying to escape and were shot dead. The amount of physical labour which the actors went through in making the movie was amazing. Also the planning and execution - creating the camp, distance of the tunnel, depth etc.

With Iran, Ukraine, Gaza war going on I keep reading about the impact of the war on people, families, emotional well being, PTSD etc. In both these movies war is in the background. While in The Great Escape it is during the war, in Witness of prosecution one of the character was posted in Germany and then marries a German and gets her to UK, so she could escape Germany. The whole backdrop of army folks travelling across the world with limited supplies, technology, knowledge about the country. Drafted and moved to a country to represent their country or as an Allied Force. And this shaped their life.

It had some innocence and romanticism in representing your company, force (air force or army or navy) and  your regiment. There was some kind of pride and honour in doing what they were doing. And they did it physically with their hands, brains and limited armoury they had. But now it’s all done by pressing a button. A drone goes and bombs places or kills people with a sharp precision or an unmanned plane doing a raconteur of a country and place to find the air bases. Technology has now taken over and is being used to create a devastation at  much larger scale.

Movies has this beautiful way of taking us back in time and reflecting on the current. 

Has anything changed really ? After so much development and cutting technology we have become worse of in destroying the world, its biodiversity and increase the hatred amongst countries. I can go on but it’s the only question of time - when DUNE becomes a reality. Again the science fiction books and the the creative visualisation of directors were path breaking in showing how the future will look like.

The gentleness of Simon & Garfunkel

Every band or any song I(we) listen to has a reason for why it’s being played. You are angry at the world Pink Floyd, Rock Sogs etc help to dissipate that anger. Bangla songs take me home and makes me feel very close to roots - very difficult to explain it feels so good on my ears - heart - soul - something which feels me with love.

It was a long weekend and the rains had just started in Bangalore - although it’s still very hot. Last 2 days when I was walking a nice cold breeze was blowing and I was listening to Simon & Garfunkel (S&G) collection in Spotify. Their words always soothed me. As I was listening to their songs I could visualise the song in my mind. A quaint picture of 70’s life - happy, doubt, questions of what I am doing, love. Cobblestones, rain, rainbows - words which are so gentle and innocent - like the thought of a teenager in those who is trying to grow up.

Here’s one of my favourite.

Kathy’s Song
I hear the drizzle of the rain

Like a memory it falls

Soft and warm continuing

Tapping on my roof and walls

And from the shelter of my mind

Through the window of my eyes

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets

To England where my heart lies

My mind's distracted and diffused

My thoughts are many miles away

They lie with you when you're asleep

And kiss you when you start your day

And a song I was writing is left undone

I don't know why I spend my time

Writing songs I can't believe

With words that tear and strain to rhyme

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain

Weave their weary paths and die

I know that I am like the rain

There but for the grace of you go I

Making Sense of Mountains (3) - urban living and our insecurities

 

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 -1 - 0. This is how the connectivity looked like as we moved closer to the base camp

Can you imagine staying without connectivity - well we did it for 6 days and we didn’t miss it. The incessant need of replying to messages, or sending updates was washed away with the FOCUS shifting on doing the trek. Especially when 25 unknown folks from different background are put together with a common goal of reaching a summit. It was an experience of natural group dynamics - from not knowing each other to crying without any embarrassment, it all happened in next 6 days.

The Day 1 we had to pack (fit) everything we got from our home into our backpack and as were doing that I realized the layers of layers of stuff we were putting in and the only worry we had was - Can we ?

As I look back after the Trek, the biggest learning was just to surrender & let go! 

Food is a very good example - Many of us carried many many protein bars including me. But I carried back more than half of it - because there was no time to have it. There were enough stop over during the trek to have some local juice. 

We had all our meals in the tiffin box we carried - And very simple food, Dal - rice - 1 sabzi and 1 sweet. Roti was a luxury because of LPG issue. Nobody complained - we just wanted to have something hot at the end of day or after a long walk in cold. The temperature outside was freezing and anything warm was welcome. Beautiful cakes were made of suji which was shaped like a cake as we celebrated someone’s birthday. No fancy cakes like in cities

I and many of us were not used to the cold & even after many many layers we would just lose ourself to sleep because of sheer exhaustion. No Vodka to warm us. We managed fine.

I had 3 t-shirts and 3 lowers & we managed with them and 3 pair of sox

Probably the same is true for the migrant workers working in our city, the families - children surviving every day on what they can earn.

Many young jobbers complained about the schedule, hectic life and their effect on their life. I hope many/some trekkers ask this questions to themselves when they reach back "How much do we need ?" My enquiry on this had started many years back when I stopped buying and saying NO to things.

Surrendering - Letting Go in a mountain is easy - You do not have a choice 

4 Weeks before we started - a group was formed of 25 hikers and we would get daily update.

One days - There was too much snow at the summit so the team could not summit

Next day - It’s bright and sunny

Next Day - for 3 days - It’s been raining non stop but we are hoping that it will clear very soon…..

Every time I got one of these posts I would be tense - how will I manage if it snows so much, how many layers or if my socks gets wet etc etc.

Summiting is the biggest HIGH for a trekker. And going all the way from Bangalore and not reaching the peak - in a pure input - output & KPI driven world is a failure. But, after seeing these messages very soon I realized there is no point in thinking about the summit.

And this true till the morning of April 1st (when we did the summit), I never thought “whether we will summit or not”. If it happens Awesome, if not - It’s ok

We have been taught told this since we are very young:

“It’s the journey - not the destination that matters”. 

But at 56 this was driven home in those 10 days in the mountains. Looking back SUMMIT was just one thing we did but we will remember how we walked together, helped each other, joked, cried, sang and held each other in those 10 days.

Control - Is the other thing which got redefined / banished, we cannot control anything, it’s an illusion we live in. If weather is in the hand of Gods, food is in the hand of what gets transported on mules and gets made in the makeshift tent, sleep is a function of cold & with whom you sleep in the tea house.

Surya sir, a veteran trekker knew that he snores & was carrying ear buds which he gave me so I could sleep 😀. It's funny but also highly thoughtful for him to do so

Making Sense of Mountains(2) - Called By Hills

Both: The book & the journey of booking the trek happened in parallel. It was like one was feeding the other.

This is the second non fiction book which was on my list after reading 2 heavy (BIG) books - {The Loneliness of Sunny & Sonia and then Railsong} books which spans a generation and are sprawling with multiple characters I decided to switch track. 

This is a book like nothing I had read before. A book written so beautifully - that I could visualise every line of the book in my mind. In some sense its a small book - but I read with elongated pause just imagining what I had read about the house or the dogs which started staying with her & her husband, hoe she made a space in the mountain almost like occupying the forest without permission - And how the mountains & their people accepted her. Of course after much doubting and testing. 

A book which tells about the same place (near Ranikhet) but covers an expanse of 25 years +. I have stayed in Bangalore for last 20 years & the story all my friends and relatives have heard is that “Indranagar (where I stay) 100 ft road had 1 store and now….can’t count”. But beyond this my imagination can’t stretch because I never really lived here - with 10 hrs in office and frequent travel Indiranagar was just a place of convenience.

But for Anuradha Roy it was a slow process of adaptation, understanding the nuances of the hills, the people, the plants, the animals (wild or pet) bureaucracy and of course development. The animal - people divide and her last chapter hauntingly titled “The wounded Mountain” - A closing chapter so poignant that it almost made me cry.

I can still visualise how her dog disappeared and the despair of not finding her, or how the foxes disappeared not to be seen as the roads being built in the mountain pushed them away and away. No one knows where.

As we were moving from Dehradoon from where we were picked to be taken to the base camp at Katgaon, we were stopped several times because roads were being made - I could see 10’s of JCB’s boring their hard steel spikes into the mountains and removing rocks, landslides where the rocks got loose, or large swathes of land just not there because during rains landslides would have just broke that part of the mountain.

One part of my  mind was crying at the devastation being cause because pf people like us who need the roads & one part of the mind was rejoicing that at least I am able to see the mountains. I am not sure my next generation or there next will have the opportunity.

This is kind of dichotomy which I carried with me as 25 of us drove towards our base camp.

Is it a problem with choice or Pull of our senses ?

The old books, cloths, shoes, jackets which we were receiving from people coming in to give were across our table. We were doing our fist preloved sale aka 2nd hand products which we had received from our previous collection drive. 

Needless to say my eyes were lit when I saw a Murakami book “First Person Singular” (one of my favourite author), a book on climbing the Annapurna peak (I had just come back from ‘Har Ki Dun Trek’ and my mind was filled with mountains, The inside story of GUT(my last 1 years work on changing my food habits to get the gut going), How do you live ? By Genzaburo Yoshino (A book written in in 1937 and was translated in Japanese in 2021 and inspired Hayao Miyazaki of Ghibli Studio to make his last film - The Boy and the Heron, Now Ghibli is and Miyazaki are my gold standard in animation) and lastly, Sum - A book on after life (maybe the B/W picture on the cover - otherwise no RATIONAL reason). 

I picked all of them and kept them aside.

Now I am a person who is very very diligent of what book I read or movies I see - there has to be a strong reason. Why ? because I am investing my 1 hr every working day and few hrs in the non working days to read - experience - feel them. Which otherwise I could have done so many other things. And I don’t mind investing any amount in a book if I want to read it. 

But here I was with an array of books which I could read and give back and it will be sold in the next PRELOVED SALE. This was my rationalization. Everything you see above in (is the rationale).

But as I drove back home, the other side of the brain kicked in::

But these were meant for needy people 

Which needy person (read maids / security guards who bought) reads Murakami. Blah

But if the rich person bought these books then money would have gone to trust.

Hardly any fiction / non fiction book were bought, only children books were sold. Anyway there will many more sales opportunities after this. People can buy them.

I tie myself in these ideological ruminations. Sometimes (like today) I ask myself - do we really need to get into these mental debates ? Will it make me a better person? Am I judging myself hard or trying to be perfect ? What is perfect anyway ?

But when the questions come - It pours.
For once I thought I will pour it out on paper blog 🙂

& Not look for an answer.

Self Quote “Most questions about life do not have multiple choice answers.”

Making sense of the MOUNTAINS (1) How it all started ?

I don’t know where to start. With all the anxiety of the pre trip planning and ending with the excitement of eating, chatting, joking with a group of trek mates, who were unknown 7 days back but now feel like we are a group of BFF’s.

There is so much to write factually and there is so much to mull over that I don’t know where to start. I guess it will take a few days / months for some of it  to surface and and some of it to be absorbed.

Like Eagles says in one of there songs (In Hell Freezes over)…this is how it all started.

Lets begin before the beginning.

A naive me in Ladakh dreamt of doing Chader Trek excited by the stories of walking on a frozen lake. But then Covid stuck and we were locked in for almost 2 years. In those 2 years and after that many things happened but the trek. Ladakh was the first time I experience nature like I had never done before and if I was 

Solan - Shimla - Beginning of the Himalayan journey

22 and 23 both years I spent considerable time in Shimla - Solan. I understood the mountains through the programs we did for the teachers who were working in small communities spread across far - flung areas. Their past, the secrets of traditional herbs, their dresses, festivals, aspirations , difficulties.  But what stood out was their love and kindness. One such experience was - On a small hike, when me and friend got lost they not only showed the way but opened their house for rest and tea. But then I saw the hills burn from our window - not able to do anything. How the mountain cried, vegetation disappear so does the species. We thought of doing many treks across nearby mountains but none materialized. This March / April the choice was to go for a meet being organized at Shimla and then navigate my way for a trek. But looking at the locations and itinerary I realized - it can’t be both. 

And that’s how a trek was decided

Why “Har Ki Dun” ?

This question was asked by the trek lead to all of us and the simple answer was “It called me”, there was no strong logic, which peak to climb - but the only thing which I could connect was what Arjun (founder of Indiahikes) says in his video of it being a trek of self discovery - spiritual etc. 

Does visualisation work ?

The pic above says its all. I joined this session being done by my friend to create a visual board for 20 26. It there on my soft board from Jan 1st.

1 bucket List done. Thanks to my lucky mascot JO. More Soon.