Choice & Trust

For as long as I remember the operative word for me has been “choice”. I think it followed the “objectivity” phase post Ayan Rand or maybe these were both sides of the same coin. Not very important really, but these words underpin my philosophy of life. 15 – 20 years back when you are fresh out of college you are experimenting with various things relationships, jobs, a different lifestyle, you are reading a lot, getting in with touch with lot of different individuals, trying to fathom their views. As you are do that you are filtering through your choices and forming an opinion of life and it’s expectations. In these years “choice and objectivity” were the primary drivers because these are rational choices you were making and trust followed only after you made the choice.

I call this the “western view”. We start believe that in a relationship, if things are not working out it’s better to tell quits than suffer go thru this daily verbal duel, mind game. But I have seen several divorce cases around me wherein both parties feel that they have exercised their choice too fast and probably they want to come back. I had a similar very strong view on arranged marriage. How can 2 individuals who don’t know each other can actually come together. It was an insane thought. Today most of us believe in this western view.

If you take the same example of arrange marriage or if you take the guru shishya concept or the concept of spiritual leaders like Buddha it was always trust first and then choice. You trust that the marriage is going out or a Buddha can lead to enlightment and hence choose him as a guru or master. It can never happen the other way round. Can you make a “choice” without having “trust”. Take any situation or an individual you are exercising a choice because you trust “that person or yourself” that it’s going to work out. I call this the “eastern view”.

At one level it sounds very basic but for me it was a paradigm shift because it has changed the way people look at me or what they want from me. It’s very easy for me to make a choice because I am making that choice and I want the other person to deliver (that’s the typical western way of looking at things “give me first and then I will give you” and that’s an easy equation to establish). But when somebody else is making you as a choice or choosing you it’s because they trust you to deliver. If you are not delivering you are actually betraying their trust (that’s the eastern way “I will honor your trust”). Just to make it more practical put yourself in a son, father, husband, boss’s (you as a boss) shoes and then try to look at the difference. I am sure most of us play these roles for the 80% of the day and probably things will be in perspective.

That does not stop me from me “making my choices” as an individual – I chose to write this post at 3 am because the thought have been knocking on my head for some time but I know I will still get up at 8am to wake up my kids for their badminton class which they should not miss because I don’t want to betray their “trust”.

Above: Joyee's interpretation of our dream home....probably inspired by her jaipur trip.

The death of conversation

These days we don’t talk,
We sms,
We mail,
We chat.
We don’t debate
We write blogs
I read between the lines.
Is it a sign of times to come?
I don’t know.

I wrote these lines maybe a month or two back. I have this habit scribbling down a few lines in a small pad in between flights. Sometimes these thoughts grow into a blog and sometimes they get washed down my washing machine. Today at 4 in the morning these thoughts came back to me once again and kept rebounding across my head and in the end forcing me to get up …….

It’s true, I haven’t learnt so much about someone so close thru blog as I could by talking, sharing living together in last 10 years. So what’s wrong, I asked myself? I didn’t have an answer I still don’t but this nagging feeling inside me kept coming back. It was like violation of trust…How come a person so close feels this way I don’t know and I have to go thru someone’s blog to understand her.

My diary was my closest friend till I burnt them few years back. At that time I couldn’t really fathom my action but the feeling was so strong that it propelled me to destroy them. Looking back maybe because it was because I didn’t want her to know / understand me by reading my diary. Why can’t we talk? What’s in my diary is also in my soul. “Let’s discover it on the way rather than you reading the past and coming to conclusions” was my refrain, whenever there was a read request for them.

If we can feel,touch and of course talk, Is there a need to blog? Or should it be there for posterity just to look back and see how we felt about few things on our journey called life...I am not sure reading Jabberwock which I adore is very different from reading someone's blog who is so close to you.

For the time being I would rather start a conversation.