Turning 40 – Growing Young.

Last year, was like any other year. It had its share of highs and lows, yukky moments which I would like to forget, uplifting moments which I would like to remember every time when I close my eyes in despair.

But every year there are a few things which has changed forever what the writer’s say defining moments or inflection point of a man-son-husband-father’s mind…….Few such things are mentioned below…

Foremost I believe is what I call the fear psychosis which is now a reality and is living within us. When 9/11 happened, it was an unbelievable reality show which didn’t touch me – distant country (arrogant country – they have created enough such moments in history) .It was just another live show. When 26/11 happened I didn’t want to switch on the TV. The fact is “I never did”. I never saw a single frame of the telecast. As people across the world were glued to their TV set I was busy enjoying “Finding Nemo” with my kids or reading "Dance Dance” by Murakami.

The recent terror scenario is not a distant scenario happening to somebody out there it’s happening to you and me. When the bomb blasts happened in Bangalore, I had confirmed tickets to Hyderabad but we could not catch the train as there was no cab which would take us to the station.

When I board the next flight, the thought “I hope I come back alive is not a joke it’s a reality”. Doesn’t mean I will shut myself up and vegetate but I guess I will be prepared for the same. For me it’s a defining moment I want to live up life every day, every moment. Do things, I have never done before…..Who knows what’s in store for me.
Health – Exactly 13 months before my 40th birthday someone close went through quite a lot of pain for no fault of hers. And I was also going through bouts of cold / cough doctor again sore throat doctor cycle. I still remember the date 1st Nov last year I decided “To hell with it I will not go to the doctor I will treat myself back to health and since then I have not taken any antibiotics. But I know at least 10 families in my proximity where in some one has expired because of wrong medicine treatment, detected with cancer or had a heart attack / stroke. Most of them were quite cautious in their approach to life not smoking, drinking, thinking types. But that is just one part of the story……I also know the amount of money which has gone in trying to avoid such incidents and the emotional trauma which these people have gone thru during those days.

Those who had the money went to the best doctors and probably had the satisfaction that could pay back the time, money, effort, heart and soul their parents had put in to bring them up, those who didn’t have the money didn’t have the time to blink and the moment was gone. They were back to their grind. But there are the famed middle class of India who inspired to go to best doctors and probably did, but by the time they got the bill they realized they were living in a fool’s paradise and a false security which the group insurance of various companies provide and which is grossly inadequate. So now they will be paying off these debts for next few years.

Unfortunately, none of them could stop the inevitable. None of them had the answer to the question “How much is enough ?” Neither do I, but I will never ask this question again. Over the years I have observed that what’s gonna happen will happen.
Just go with the flow.

Do your jogging, have your gulab jamun if you love it and see two movies back to back if Jason Bourne is starring in it. Going groggy eyed for the next day meeting is OK if you have satisfied your inner urge to see a movie.

Satisfy your soul today, who knows what tomorrow’s headline will bring in your doorstep.

Be More....

For me, it’s about what more can I do for people around me…..

My daughters who are growing up so fast that at times they make me feel I am extinct. Imagine an 8 yr asking u for an I POD, not a stereo player, not a TV….While we got our first TV when I was in class 10. Till then it was the air force mess, black & white TV and the evergreen Chitrahaar. While the IPOD will come I am sure….swimming on Saturday, movies on Sunday, a trek or a circus……and above all the 5 minutes I spend talking to them daily in the breakfast table, in the school bus stand and before they goes to sleep is how I try to be more to them

My lovely wife, for whom a chance dinner outside on a Sunday or a “No Entry” in kitchen on a Saturday & Sunday, is almost like a dinner in Taj, or a 2 day trip to Goa. These moments snatched from the daily grind of working couple life is how I try to be more.

My ageing parents, whom I also visit when I visit the South Ex store in Delhi, helps them go back to those days when I used to come back home once a year from my Engineering College. When before I rang the bell and touched their feet I could actually smell the fish fry …… When I visit them I am that lost growing up kid once again and those few hours spent before I board the flight means a lot more to them than any other luxury / gifts which I give them.

For people around, guiding a blind foreigner to a toilet in the BIAL airport, helping an old couple to a taxi when they can’t find one in Delhi airport at midnight or holding a kid’s hand in a mall where she is lost….I feel and experience life beyond my family and work.

As far as I am concerned, reading my Murakami, seeing a late night movie, adding to my blog or few pages to my long awaited novel defines ME and I.

Be More is a reason for all of us to live life beyond the routine existence and celebrate every moment we live.

As we move from a radio to a walkman to an ipod ....the moments are passing by…as John Lennon says….”Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

World Movie & Sultans of Cinema

Thanx to World Movies, and Zee Studio, I had the opportunity to get a taste of international movies. Francois Truffaut, Wong Kar Wai, Kurosawa, Ingmar Berman etc. Also some amazing martial arts film like Hero & House of Daggers, don’t know who the directors were of the same. I am not a martial arts buff probably the only movie which in this realm of crouching tigers….The martial art sequences were almost like “poetry in motion”.

Truffault is like a nice story teller, most of his movies I saw were almost like seeing short stories. Some are intense, some were mysterious and some are just funny. I loved watching all of them especially 400 Blows which partly is loosely based on his growing up years.

Wong Kar Wai, on the other hand is very-very intense. It’s a different kind of movie like Kurosawa. I mean haven’t something like that before, cinematography, music, even the environment. Today I saw “In the mood for Love”, in which the claustrophobic rooms were used to (apparently) depict the trapped feelings which the protagonists were going through.

As I see these movies, I also read up about these directors on the net which explains a lot about why’s of the movie like Wong started as a graphic designer which is why most of his movies are visually so arresting and how he uses color palette so much so that each scenes looks like painting…

Truffault had a tough time as he grew up, served time in army, was a critic in a film magazine before he started what is known as “French New Wave movement” which rejected the traditional cinema structure..

Both these artists (and I guess most of the so called gurus…) didn’t have too many hits, blockbusters but for most them movie was an outlet, a form of expression of what they think, what they went through in their life.

I feel most of the good creative work i.e. books or movies borrows strongly on their self ….or maybe I like it that way.

World Movie & Sultans of Cinema

Silence

Silence, a companion…

Silence is like a constant companion, when I am jogging, exercising or walking to and from office. A truncated thought which got lost in the craziness of the day would come out from nowhere and start knocking your head. With nothing to do your mind grabs it like a 2 year old will grasp a new toy and start licking it and looking at it from all directions. I might not reach conclusion but mind just tires looking at all possibilities and chuck the thought as I ring the bell….

Silence and Anger

For me anger is silence, but this is a different kind of silence, it’s like a dark thick liquid, and like your bile (I haven’t seen it). It is like a tight fist of a boxer or stretched muscles of an athlete before his 100 m dash. It’s a very intense and at times pushes for a physical action like u keep running till u drop.

Books, Movies & Silence

Reading a book or seeing a movie (which I like) is almost like meditation for me. That’s the only time I am one with what I am doing. These are the times when I want silence to envelope me so that nothing can come between me and my passion. Mostly (in my current state of affairs) these moments are post 10 pm. This silence continues even after I finish reading a book or seeing a movie, it’s like I am engulfed in a bubble with all characters surrounding me. It lingers on till sleep engulfs me. These are the most beautiful moments…..in my day.

Silence and Misunderstanding

Silence is also misunderstood a lot. In a relationship silence is not golden it’s the first step for a misunderstanding to start. Many times you plan something, visualize something and expect a certain course of action…..imagining in your mind, I will do all these and probably delight her. Not knowing the other person or thinks something but maybe totally different and at the moment of action, surprise, delight just the opposite happens….which shuts you up completely. Both people in their thought and expected action have gone so far that now they can’t pull back or explain to each other…..So each goes into their own deep silence till….

Master silence and you will master life….

The art of short story writing

In recent days, I have been under a short story attack. I read - Unaccustomed Earth – Jhumpa Lahiri, The Japanese Wife – Kunal Basu, The Elephant Vanishes & After the Quake – Haruki Murakami and also a collection of short stories by famous oldies like Graham Greene, Norman Mailer etc

No particular reason for picking them up, Jhumpa Lahiri and Murakami are my favorite authors, Kunal Basu – for the hype and the other one I saw it in our apartment library and thought I will give it a shot. Jhumpa Lahiri was the first and probably I got inspired by that, but after yesterday I felt I am not the short story type.

I am kind of a person who needs to get intimately involved with the characters, the plot, the situation and a short story if not well written is almost like an anti climax which is what happened with few stories in Japanese Wife & Elephant Vanishes. It’s like the author has so much to say but suddenly it just switches off.

On the other hand, Unaccustomed Earth as well as her first book – Maladies, you don’t get that feeling. Her writing is all about the finer details of existing emotions, trapped emotions, I almost get the feeling that she is lingering on every single thought / emotion which is running through a father or a daughter’s mind. And it’s beautifully articulated. There is a kind of style and elegance even in each every sentence. Importantly she can draw a canvas which to me it feels complete. Basu fails miserably in creating that grandeur of emotional upheavals

Murakami, on the other hand is a great story teller, different style but all his big stories / novels are written in a manner that many times I must have read a book till morning 6, made a cup of coffee to re align my senses then groggy eyed started waking up my kids. In a sense it is gripping….not because it is hurtling towards a specific end like a crime novel but more….in terms of the character his / her journey. Some stories in after the quake & elephant vanishes had a similar feel, but I still prefer the Murakami who wrote Norwegian Woods & Chronicles.

But, in the short story genre, I am great fan of Holmes and Felu da (Satyajit Ray) I guess the investigative / detective genre, has a start and an end but in both these case there is also a strong character who is residing in your mind, to whom you are giving shape when you are reading a new story (Part 2 of Unaccustomed Earth does that by creating characters who are linked by different situations).

Anyways, for the time being I am off this genre……but as they say book / music / movies….are like beaches and mountains. You keep going back to them because the sand, the sky and the mountains by nature are the same, but every time you go there you see a new picture.

Delhi da Culture

2 weeks back I was heading for Delhi to do an event from Bangalore.

At Bangalore:
I called the city taxi at 6am in the morning. The call was taken in 2 rings. The cab was there at 5.45 am, the driver called me from my flat’s security desk and waited patiently for 20 minutes, wished me when I was there. Through out the 20 mts drive, he was a smiling happy person – who in general makes a passenger or an unknown person comfortable. When we reached the airport he offered to carry my luggage, I refused. He insisted that I take the bill and gave me one. I pleasantly checked in and got cocooned in my music.

In Delhi:
I wanted to reach South Ex by 10 am, so I called the Taxi Stand and you are welcomed by the typical “Kahaan jaana hain….No Good Morning etc, he kept me on hold shouted at 2-3 drivers asking who wants to go. Then he said, the cab will reach. I asked how much – he said 250, I said OK (I had done a background check with my folks on the cost of cab and it was around 250 – 275…so I didn’t bargain otherwise I was all geared up with the information, and ready to argue). When I said give me a bill, I was told “We don’t waste money for small bills, we make bills only for 500/- and above” I decided, no point of arguing and let go.

The cab came half an hr late, once stopped – it didn’t start for 20 minutes, when we reached South Ex, he parked the car in a NO Parking Zone and refused to give 10 bucks change because the Police guy was ready to challan him 600 bucks. His argument was “For your 10 bucks I will loss 600 bucks.”

Same service but 2 experiences, which are poles apart. Questions is

Was I shocked? The answer is straight “No” without blinking. I have stayed in Delhi for 5 years and I know this is the fabric of Delhi. Argue, negotiate, bargain, look smart, party hard. When I step out in the morning I know I am stepping into a war zone.

In all my training sessions in Delhi
– the worse scenarios always came in Delhi. Even if I debug my software for few weeks, I know this is the place I have to watch out there because they will have some via media to achieve their objective. (Jugaad is the word)
– The team in delhi would be always more aggressive, more enthusiastic and which is extremely positive for the program owner because it spreads positive energy around

Although I have stayed in Delhi for 5 years I always hated the place and wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

But having stepped out – I miss the energy, the aggression, that Punjabi dosti yaari, daaru shaaru wala culture. There was some kind of vitality, everyone was driven by a personal agenda and they showed it upfront giving a damn about anything else.

Although I used to hate the 2 hr drive from Gurgaon to Kalkaji, I will never forget the beer bottle(s) & egg bhuji, which my co-passenger will pick up from the Gurgaon check post.

Is the grass always green on the other side or am I just being nostalgic? Ki farak painda, blog hi to hain?

(Above pic of RDB – probably the best tribute to the delhi culture in recent times)

Gifted and Chowringhee

Few days back I finished 2 beautiful books – Gifted by Nikita Lalwani and Chowringhee by Shankar.

Gifted is a poignant story of a kid who is gifted (in terms of her Mathematical ability) and her relationship with her father who almost pushes / trains her like the Russians used to create Olympic champions….How she rebels, how her teenage insecurities come into being etc etc. The beauty of the book is in it’s poignancy…..

I liked it because I too have a kid who is 8 years and could relate to the rebellious streak portrayed in the book. Many times what seems very superficial to you as a father or mother actually has a very deep rooted belief in the daughter’s mind. When my daughter keeps saying she wants to see TZP day in and day out instead of a Barbie movie …..you can sense there’s something amiss. After a lot of cajoling I realize that TZP is the hot topic of discussion in school and my daughter can’t participate because she has not seen it. In our mind ……it’s just another movie but for her that 10 mnt discussion in canteen / bus is the highlight of the day…..

The beauty of the book is in it’s poignancy…..even if you are not a father or a mother read it and you will relate it to your growing up years…

Chowringhee on the other hand is a beautiful book. The obvious question is scenery / painting / drawing can be beautiful - how can a book be beautiful. I don’t know I felt it that way….being a Bong and reading about Calcutta, the description of the places where I have been (when I was staying in Cal) the Bengali characters, the tumultuous relationships. Its story telling at it’s best. If you are a Bong ….who wants to experience Calcutta….read it.

I loved the book so much that I am hunting for the movie version of the same, starring Uttam Kumar.

Blood in my hand

A month back or so my 4 year old daughter had an accident. By the time I reached the hospital…..I could hardly see her face. There was blood all over her face, hair and dress….I could just see her eyes which shone as soon as she saw me and I could read “Papa is here, it will be fine”.

For me, this was the first time any one of my kids was hit so badly and I almost felt my heart stop….It is difficult to explain. "God! Let her be fine!" That’s the first word which came to my throat.

For next 1 hr I held her tightly as 12 stitches were put in her fore head. I could literally see the needle go inside the skin and blood oozing out of the skin….The only time I remember something like that was in First Blood some 15 years back….

When we reached home, put Joyee on bed and were coming out of our shell shocked state I saw her tugging my shirt. When I bent down she asked “So tomorrow I am not going to school”. ‘Ya’ I said….She continued “Can Di stay back.....”…..I knew what was coming…..With in 15 minutes the whole house was back in the usual state of arguments / fight over some toy….etc etc.

At night, when the family was asleep and I was star gazing from my balcony, two thoughts struck me – One, the resilience of a 5 year old, I was sure by next day morning she will have no clue on what hit her and what happened. Two – the importance of being a Papa……That look on her face when the stitches were being put, I was holding her and she kept screaming Papa, Papa…..I will never forget that till I die. I know 10 – 15 year down the line she will grow up and go…..but whenever I see that mark on her fore head she will again become a 4 yr old in my eyes.

Typically, we (i.e. me and my wife) and kids slip in separate rooms. But that night we all huddled together under the quilt. Smell of dettol & antiseptic still lingering in the room I could feel that warmth called family physically in the air.

I desperately wanted to hold on to it and make believe that this will last for rest of my life…but then the alarm rang and the list of the day started ticking on my head……..

Tare Zameen Paar

There are a few movies, which keep ringing in your head even after you wake up almost from a dream like state, which you have been. As you linger back home and start getting into your daily routine, certain screens, dialogues, faces, music haunt you at times. Tare Zameen Par is one such movie. If not the best, it is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

Some movies (or for that matter any creative expression like a book / play / ad) just fall in place because it seems everything happened so effortlessly – the location, music, lyrics, cinematography, acting... In facts hats off to the music and lyrics, every time I hear them, screens from the movie flash in front of my eyes. What I liked about the movie is that there was no jingoism – no heavy dialogues / lectures but simple expressions. It is one movie, which exploits the medium in its true sense.

I think all parents who saw it saw a picture of their life in the movie; others saw some glimpse of their childhood. The movie used the child as a medium to convey the obsessive nature of most parents; most of us don’t know where to draw the line. It also portrayed the state of expectation between members of the family. The way I was brought up 35 years back and the way bring up kids now one of the key difference I feel is that the expectations are too rational, objective, methodical, too goal / money oriented right from kindergarten. Earlier the expectation / dependency was only emotional and nothing else. Our parents had the strength to let go at one moment and pull us back at one moment.

In my days – small joys were just a sense of heightened emotion and not linked to a physical thing - Going to a “bada khana” in the Air Force Mess or seeing Star Trek on a Sunday (in a common ante room) was the highlight. There was no Barbie, Kurkere, DVD, multiplex, hotels. Now most of the joys experienced by kids comes pre-packaged and has to be acquired before they experience it.

So most parents are faced by a typical question/dilemma - How much is enough? What more can I do? From morning 5 till night 9pm life looks like a marathon. Many of us literally crash with a sense of exhaustion / desperation and probably a sense of dejection. And still there is no end in sight.

It’s a practical situation which all middle class, educated parents with ambition that they should give their best for their child face daily. Are they wrong? I don’t think so. I personally also go through the same dilemmas.

Most of us typically compartmentalize our goals – kids are very small, so let me (mother) be with them – I have to feed, change nappies…. once she starts going to play school I will rejoin and work harder and get that promotion due to me. As they start growing, they will make friends, they can read magazines, join classes…so they don’t need me much. But the expenses are going to double so I have to start working…also the future of my child is at stake. Question, which we typically overlook, is – What about his present? Will there be a future, if you are not there in his present?

Most of us also make decisions for a child based on the environment and not what is good or bad from their point of view - I should send the kids to crèche – it’s ok – they will become independent, kids should also understand that we are doing so much for them, they should be reasonable – they should understand I have add a tough day and let me have my space…. But they are kids, how can they think like you?

So Am I a perfect DAD. Ask my kids? No way, I have stumbled through the same path, taken a few hits, gone up and down guilt trips, had my bouts of depressions & helplessness. I still do.

But there are three things I seriously believe in

One - there are things you can control and there are certain things you can’t. Most of time we focus too much on things, which we can’t control. Once the decision is made you are on the other side – now see what best can be done.

Two – Act – don’t discuss, There will be many times when your point of view, way of doing things, your principles may not match with lot of people (mostly in the family) but if you believe in it just do it, try it out and junk it if it doesn’t work. Don’t get into this analysis – paralysis bit. Otherwise you will keep having discussions and no actions.

Three – I know all of us keep the kids in the center, but mostly from the long-term perspective. No. For them it’s the small thing, which matters…picking them early if wife can’t make it, going cycling, good night story etc etc.

In one of the New Year calendar, which I got, there was a quote – “Goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds. They can’t see the past, much less the future”. I wish all of us were like that……..no past no future – just the present!

On turning 38 & what they don’t teach you at the institute called life!

Ya, that’s me on the left. Cheers! Sometimes I wish there was a printer attached to my head so that all the thoughts which comes to my mind as I jog, walk, drive gets printed out by press of a button or click of a mouse.

The above statement in a way paraphrases the inertia, which we have got into because of our innate need as a human race to fulfill all our wishes. I am not saying it is negative, if we as a human being didn’t have the desire to fulfill that need, we would not have reached the moon, discovered the cure for malaria, build bridges and prevented earth quakes.

While the above-mentioned example have a life / society / world level changes we hardly get to listen / read / understand these things. Let me explain, in last 10 days I have been hearing of this innovation done by Nike – wherein a sensor is attached to the shoes which gets linked to the ipod and as you jog you can not only hear your “jog playlist” which pumps you up. After you finish jogging you will know how many calories you have burnt, sounds great. Even I got tempted.

But then as I was driving past the hoarding when a begging bowl was thrust at me by a 5 year old in tattered rags, in one of the traffic signal. Suddenly, I had a reality check. What about those children in India who are walking the street naked without shoes and for all you know some of these kids would be making these shoes.

At one level, It’s bizarre – why can’t Nike spend money in creating a shoe for 50/- there is enough people in the world who will lap it up. There is potential, as we all have read in bottom of the pyramid so why would Nike not touch this segment with a barge pole. I guess because the top of the pyramid is too lucrative too let go. And that is point I was trying to make when we started out.

I feel our life is revolving too much around the periphery, superficial needs created not because it’s life and death or core to our reason of existence but because it helps us to live life comfortably…but essentially it’s cottoning our brains with layers and layers of inertia and slowly we will be so comfortable in that cocoon that only a jolt will bring us out

Most of the inventions are a result of a focus group discussions of the expected needs of a person which is actually our superficial side and it lists down the expectations / desires and sometime fantasies. If somebody asks me “will you be happy if there is a button which if you press before u enter the house so that everything is exactly in order”. I would be tempted to say “YES” but I will say “NO”.

Because life is not about listening to music while jogging, it’s about running. Writing this blog is as much hard work as writing my marketing presentation because it requires disciplining my mind – soul and heart to bring the right words in right intensity, which makes me, feel satisfied when I upload the same.

But most of us will let go because it is too much of an effort. Why? Isn’t there a dichotomy – you have used your intelligence and hard work to earn money and thanks to the technology (and our marketing inventiveness) we have created everything possible to be available at your finger tips so why the emptiness or a lack of reason for leaving.

Because most of us lack the discipline and that has been my biggest learning as I roll up my sleeves and cut the cake.

Objectivity without discipline is like when we went swimming in Phuket. Huge waves which swept us off our feet. We waited for them to come. Some of us swam underneath the wave to escape the fury but some of us got hurled back into the beach.

That was sea - this is your life. But the choice is always yours to make.

Sputnik Sweetheart & Murakami

Nice Name for a book. Isn’t it? Sputnik in Russian means “fellow traveler”. The book is written by Murakami (my current craze). The book is about a 22 year old girl who is in love with a woman who is 20 years older than her. Importantly, the book is also about a person who wants to be a writer.

When I read the first Murakami “Kafka on the shore” I found it, how should I put it – quirky, unusual, over the edge. It’s difficult to slot but there was something in that book which held me and somewhere I made a mental note – I wanna know this guy! I read about him on the net and discovered that – he and his wife used to run a jazz café in Japan and one day while seeing a baseball match he had a revelation that he can write. Rest as they say is history!

In the process of that discovery I read – Norwegian Wood, The wild sheep chase & now Sputnik Sweetheart. Norwegian Wood has been translated in 16 languages and he apparently has a cult following. And as it happens with cult following his writing won’t appeal to all.

What’s interesting about Murakami’s books is that, while every book has a different plot, the key protagonist and his character is almost the same – someone who thinks he is ordinary but he is lonely proud, well read – hence philosophical, not disillusioned but detached, doesn’t have a strong objectivity in terms where he wants to be in 2 yrs / 3 yrs but whatever he does tries to find a meaning, lot of growing up angst hence experiments with things.

Most of his books are in first person and since the characters are the same you almost feel like the author is trying to project you or take you along with him on certain episodes in life. The books although set in Japan, portrays the urban man-women relationship beautifully. Also every book has a very high intensity not in terms of plots / sub plots etc but in terms of the topic – Sputnik Lover is about an intense love of a women for a women & Norwegian Wood is about a man who loves a women who is engaged with somebody else, Kafka is about a boy who is run away from his home and his journey, The sheep chase is bizarre story of yes a sheep chase …I can’t explain but I loved it.

Although I was told, Sputnik Sweetheart is not one of his best books, according to me, it is probably the best in terms of his usage of the language / metaphors / words which is not his typical style. Imagine linking the non-existent life of a satellite (read empty shell), which is rotating around the earth because it can’t exercise his choice to a relationship where two people are constant companions but actually empty shells …just tied to each other because they don’t want to exercise their choice.

I kept awake for a long time after I read the book…..trying to conclude – Was it my current state of my mind? Or was it the author in me, which was shaken up. Let me sleep over it....I think I will end up picking up my next Murakami.

Lin Baba & a tribute to a city I love - Mumbai

For me a perfect book is a book in which reader starts living the story. While reading Shantaram – I not only lived the story it kept haunting my mind long after I had put the book down.

I had read “The Inheritance of Loss” just before Shantaram and I was quite disappointed with it. In fact I almost slept thru it. It just didn’t appeal to me. I guess it was too depressing, dark and there seem to be no start, middle and end…it just went on and on about misery of a few people and the life all of them were stuck.

But Shantaram was just the opposite; It grips you from page 1 and just grows on u. It’s a tome, 900 pages plus. After reading it…you literally give out a sigh and say…. Man! Did he actually go thru it?

Lin Baba, who lived his life on instinct, simple goodness in his heart is one of the most interesting characters I have read about in a long time. Lin Baba’s life almost looked like he put himself in a conveyor belt called Life and certain incidents kept happening to him. He just had his body / mind & consciousness to deal with it. No money, No education, No MBA placement program…and all this happened in a country called India (he is from Australia) where he didn’t know the language / people / culture but he made it his home and outlived many people

Many times you love the book because you relate to the character very strongly and Lin baba was one such guy - Independence, living alone, life on my own terms is not a romantic notion but a belief which I still have and live by it although in a different shade.

It also showcases Mumbai in a manner only some one who has stayed in Mumbai can relate to.

I stayed in Mumbai for 3+ yrs (just after my MBA) and those were probably the best years of life – Yes I waded thru knee deep waters, got stuck in churchgate when I missed the last local, hated the sweaty arm pits in front of my mouth in the local trains and the sight of the people shitting on the railway track but in the end when I left Mumbai and shifted to Delhi I really missed it and everything was pardoned.

It’s very difficult to capture the Mumbai spirit (and everyone have there own shade) but when I look back at my Mumbai Days it’s so nostalgic that I almost feel like someone who loved a girl very deeply but made a decision to let go because his mind asked him to.

Lost love is lost forever but Mumbai, it always waits with her open arms. I will be back very soon.

Munnabhai ko jail kyu huan?

My 4 & 7-year-old kids have been asking me this question to me since yesterday? And I was ducking it knowing that I cannot explain the reason.

Munnabhai has been part of my household since we saw the first part – Munnabhai drinks milk like this, Munnabhai & circuit do this and do that. Recently when my daughter was going for 15th August dance practice she refused to believe that, there exists a “vandemataram” song beyond the one she heard in Lage Raho.

As a film buff, the Munnabhai franchisee is one of the best to come out of Bollywood. The “Sanjay-Arshad jodi”, “the tapori language”, “the struggle of a mumbaikaar”. , daughter/son/patient”, the concept of “Gandhigiri …..in my mind the Munnabhai franchisee was a world beater.

Reflecting on the decision, my left-brain was quite upset and the right brain said – It does not matter if he is Sanjay Dutt the actor. If he is committed a crime he should be punished. But my left brain kept arguing it’s not right, look at what that person has gone thru, look at the impact he as the munnabhai character left on the kids, and how gandhigiri impacted the society etc etc.

For a moment (maybe few hours) I was actually questioning the entire episode. I really wanted Sanju to be let off. I guess that’s where lies the charisma and the emotional connect an actor makes with the audience. I don’t think I would have felt that way for Amitabh, Naseer or a Faroque Sheikh / Om Puri…although all of them in my mind are the best.

For me films more like a science and not a hobby and I detest politics. But if there are two people whom I feel emotionally inclined then they are Sanjay Dutt and Rajiv Gandhi. While Sanjay reflects some of the growing up pangs I have gone thru, Rajiv (me and I guess many of us of my age) was the big bright hope of India. I still remember the first press conference he held in US – smart, suave, charming, clean – He was like a breath of fresh air compared to the pot bellied, corrupt politicians you are used to.

Unfortunately he got bombed, and I am praying that Sanju lives happily ever after and my kids grow up seeing Munnabhai 2 / 3 / 4 / 5…….God Bless u pal!

My Scrapbook 1

Recently, I was part of a program in which we shot retail executives telling what their dreams / favorite things / stars / holiday etc. Seeing them on the screen I felt it would be an interesting entry in my blog. I have titled it 1, as I don’t think I will have time to finish all of it in one shot.

Who influences me and why? If there were turning points / change in altitude / perspective then I can list down 2 chapters in my life.

The first phase was what I call the questioning phase - Ayn Rand, Floyd, and UG (U G Krishnamurthy).

During college days and often in my early working days when you hit the road in the morning and come back exhausted, these were my strong bed partners especially UG. He was (and is) still the toughest one to understand. I don’t think I have understood his thoughts completely but it ignited something in your mind. The unanswered / unexplained always fascinated me and that’s where UG settled in nicely raising some more questions, but not giving any answers.

Ayn Rand’s philosophy brought the expected change from a rabble-rouser who believed in experimenting with anything and everything in life to a more objective and rational approach in life. It changed me from a gang leader who fought for a cause to a more self-centered person. I started looking at life from an individual’s perspective – from what I can / I want and hence I will do it. That “will” to master the impossible, to be perfect in whatever I do is something I owe it to her.

Floyd was (and still) is the eternal companion in times of despair. It’s a romance I can’t let go. Smoke filled rooms, table lamp in the corner and floyd on the speaker. All rock bands – Jim Morrison, Deep Purple, GNR, Aerosmith…..used to get played in my room but ultimately it was Floyd who reined till the wee hours in the morning. Every now and then when nothing in the world makes sense I still turn to them (More on that – A tribute to Floyd, will upload later)

The second phase I guess was when I got introduced to Ravi Shankar in the year 2001, probably the worst phase of my life. There are times in life, when you suddenly realize the futility of it all when you stop questioning because you know there are no answers. When you get the feeling that you have everything still nothing can save you…. because the final call is not in your hand. You can only be a part of this entire game called life and you ask yourself “Is there a better way to live life?”

As an individual, I never believed in God (I still don’t) and hated guru’s how the hell can someone be so blind to be led by an individual and put up their poster and pray them, but I had lot of unanswered questions since my child hood which nobody could answer. Simple stupid question – Why is cow a holy cow? Why is their sexual nudity outside temples? Why do we fast during Puja? Why the ceremonies in puja / marriage etc. Everything was a comparison to the western culture “who” (in my mind) never did all this and still achieved so much.

My introduction to the “Art of Living” Foundation course for 7 days and subsequent introduction to Ravi Shankar & discourses answered many of these questions and calmed me down a lot. I won’t say I have found the meaning of life but yes lot of it is making sense.

I will close with something which Ravi says in one of his discourses , “Spirituality is not like a paper back novel which you pick up from a book store and start reading and hence experience enlightenment. The person needs to go through some pain, dissatisfaction something, which ignites that search ….to find the meaning of life, otherwise you don’t need it. If life’s on a roll, why bother.”

My belief is that, while there are philosophers / writers / singers / gurus who you will read / hear / see but the biggest influence is you & only you - you don’t know how much you can learn if you just pull back and mull over things, talk, discuss, read, explain, spend time with your family, put things in perspective.

But yes, you need to give time to them and yourself to start walking in this road to discovery.

Happy Father’s Day

In principal, I don’t believe in all these days – Mother’s Day, Father’s day, Valentine Day etc. I think they are the products of a marketing machine and gimmicky. But I do indulge in them at times. Maybe a special dinner on a valentine’s day or generally push my kids to make a card and give them a special treat.

Being a father these days is not easy; I think the most precious commodity, which a father lacks in today’s world, is a simple four-letter word TIME. Between his meetings and travels and hundred other things which he does – that constant thought / nagging “that I have not spent enough time with my kids”.

Even this week I could not take them to see Shrek 3 - that’s my thought – REAL & LIVE. I can probably write a one pager on why that was not possible ……but then the weekend has gone and we start afresh with our daily battle

But, actually if you take a peek into your kids mind – the 5 minutes you spend at the bus stop to drop her or to be there at the school when the school re-opens a simple samosa which u can share with them when u come back from office, might mean a lot more than an exhilarating vacation.

For the young ones these moments snatched from the jaws of a hurried lifestyle are a memory they will treasure for their life. While those big movies, picnics and vacations can keep on happening don’t miss out on these moments. Because the clock won’t turn back, and the day is not far when they start chasing their dreams and you start wishing – “if they could spend just 5 minutes a day with me”.

Below, is a nice video, which actually triggered the thought for this note? What is the meaning of time – What does time means to each one of us? The same 2 hrs, which you spend with your kid, may just hold two diametrically opposite meaning to you and your kid.

http://www.tacmovie.com/ - (For all the hurried professional, and those who lack time – this is a bit long but don’t miss the end…Cheers! Hope u had a chance to wish your Dad or get wished by your kids)

The India Poised Story

Just finished reading “Transmission” - Hari Kunzru, and prior to that "The world is flat” - Thomas Friedman".

Both had today's technology (and technological lifestyle - e-mailing not writing, chatting not talking, blogging, etc) as a backdrop, but diametrically opposite in their concept. While Transmission was a fiction (but very much possible or probably have happened somewhere) it looked at the disaster one man can cause if he wants to, Flat looked at a scenario when a small invention in Bangalore can impact the biggest company in US.

While the books were written few years back, Transmission got lost after getting few good reviews, Flat still features in the bestsellers list (at least in the Indian book stores). Also in some sense Flat is more of a factual account of things which are happening around the world and trying to put certain hypothesis in place, while Transmission is more like getting into one individual’s mind and how it works. If the question – what motivates a hacker, why the hell someone actually writes a virus crosses your mind, you will enjoy the book.

What I liked about Transmission is that it beautifully portrayed how this entire euphoria of being connected, India Shining is taking it’s toll on simple middle class families.

The juxtaposition of suppressed feelings of a young middle class person who is very capable / intelligent / sincere, who is growing up bombarded by these India shining images and at some point of time a decision is made in his mind. “If I can get that Computer Science (BE / BTECH) degree I can go to US or get a call center job (which his sister tries) I can get out of this middle class ghetto which I have been living for last 15 years.”

How to escape from this he creates his own world – writing small programs and trading them with different people across the world. How he has a pseudonym under which he starts operating and creates his own identity in the Internet underground. How he goes to US by paying money to a body shopper; reaches US to get dumped in a ghetto of 10 other Indians. All of them, waiting for that all-important line “You are hired”. When he does get a job, he gets chucked out because the company is closing down. From there on the story is a dream like state, where in the destructive mind takes control and runs havoc on the entire eco system.

It’s actually true for millions of Indians – when I passed out my Engineering way back in I991. I think except for 10 odd guys everybody would be in US. But what happens there is actually not known or understood by many. End of the day, what matters is that the dollars are coming in. Yes, probably 10% of them would have become stars in the Silicon Valley, rest of them are coding their way to the banks with nice car, houses etc etc.

“The world is flat” – in a way talks a lot of Indians who belong to that elite Silicon Valley group. But, it also talks about small, small companies / call centers / software developers based out of Pune, Bangalore, Gurgaon which are actually helping manage large corporate in US.

It also talks about how corporate are using technology to do the impossible. The kind of examples he gave while establishing his hypothesis made interesting sorry riveting read. At times it almost felt like science fiction, but it is actually happening in some part of the world.

For example – In Wal Mart, the technology is so live that the supply chain actually knows when a customer picks up a diaper so that it can send a signal to manufacturing to start making it…

As some one who is in throes of implementing CRM n Loyalty Program, lot of questions came to my mind – What kind of thinking would have gone behind it? How did they scope out the entire thing - panning across countries and millions of times? Was it a natural progression? How do they manage efficiencies, breakdowns?

Reading the book reminded my interactions with someone from HLL. How his brief’s / meetings / discussions was always to always think big and beyond the ordinary. From him I learnt this concept of thinking big, dreaming big, striving for that one objective which u and team / company can share. Once that seeps in rest of it just putting processes in place and executing it.

PS:U can look at all the flatteners Friedman talks about here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_World_is_Flat

The Importance of the word "I"

The only time an author and his/her philosophy talked about it was Ayn Rand. Her philosophy of objectivism/ selfishness - me before others was a staple of many discussions but for most of us middle class folks, it was easier to fall in the usual BE / MBA – well paying corporate life than chase our dreams.

Why am I talking about it today?

Because, I am at a stage when my I is scattered around me – I can see its shadows in my children, my parents my wife and my extended family.

Because, after 7 years of married life I know the weekend list of groceries, financial discussions, furniture, food ……is as much of part of your life as the food you eat, air you breathe and the water you drink.

Because, after 12 years of living a corporate life – when the caffeine took precedence over lunch, brands you were managing over the brands you ate, boss’s deadline over your celebrating new year at a beach…………………I realize it’s time you give it back to ‘I”

Because, there are 2 tiny souls who have not seen their 10th birthday and I don’t want them to nurse a drink at the age of 37 and listen to Desperado (by Eagles) and heave a sigh of relief thinking….”how could these guys…echo my feeling”.

Sitting beside a pool…seeing them splash / jump / scream…. started the same question of I, something I had grappled with when I first read Ayn Rand 20 yrs back.


But, this time the take was completely different!

We have heard of mid-life crisis but I thought it is a wonderful mid-life opportunity – imagine 2 kids around you who are just discovering the word I – what they can do with their tiny feet and hands, their mind, their instincts.

Their mind carries no prejudice, so no unlearning to be done. Their body knows no limits until they actually do something. Their mind and body is in complete sync…. they can sleep in 2 seconds flat or wake up at 2 am to solve a Math puzzle. They don’t have discussion on how many hours of sleep is needed, when they want to sleep they just sleep.

But for people like us, we are still part of the vicious cycle of earn more – live more on one side and think more – do less on the other side. How many times have we heard “Gosh I am 35” or “I have spent 3 years in the same project / job / 3 years without a vacation etc.

It’s easy to fall into the rut of 9 to 9 and just go on living life without stepping into I. For most of us, 12 hrs of our day is occupied by phone call, meetings, traveling (read our job). After we shut down the ubiquitous PC, most of the bachelors and spinsters don’t know what to do. Book or any other sensible hobby requires dedication and passion (read looking into and being objective about I). Those who are married probably think. “Where are those days, when we could just go out for a drink”… without thinking of attendance at home.

But in both cases – slowly as we age and move ahead in life, the objectivity of the word I start declining and sometimes it is completely lost.

And, it’s difficult to be as objective about I as you were at the age of 17. When I speak to lot of my friends / colleagues, the feeling is that of “being their done that” / going on / “pulling along. Mostly, the question is “At this age do I really want to re-discover the lost I”?

Also, unlike kids, the unlearning process is the difficult part –

“Can I swim at the age of 37 weighing a ton” VS “Come on Dad! Just Jump, move your hand n u will float…” is the choice.

I don’t know about others, as far as I am concerned…I jumped and I know for the next 10 years (probably rest of my life) I will be kicking and living a much richer life…Thanks kids!

I have been wanting to write about this movie for a long time.

From the day when I was stuffed with 20 other film fanatics to understand the nuances of film making in a film appreciation workshop in Mumbai ..my whole outlook towards film making had changed. After that whenever I saw a film I would relate to -the screenplay/sequence/music / climax / characterisation/the technology . . ..and so on and so forth.

For me if I enjoy a film (or a book) the end is not after the last shot. It's actually the start to understand the director - bios / background / filmography etc etc.

Crash - This is one film which in my mind was almost perfect. From the first screen to the last - it was almost like symphony. How the characters & the incidents mesh in the end. The characters and their background - the subtle explanation of why each of them are the way they are (without getting into a flashback).

The task was difficult especially with so many characters and each of them having their own stories to say.....If u see Salaam Namaste....u can realize what a mess it can become.

I have never read a Japanese author - fiction. I finished "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakai last week and it was riveting to say the least. Initially it was quite difficult to keep a track of the Japanese names ,places etc but after I got into the flow the journey was quite exhilarating. A good description of the book can be found at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kafka_on_the_Shore

What I found interesting was probably the cocktail mix of Magic realism (human talking to cats) - some unexplained phenomenon like UFO and fishes falling from the sky. All this sound's quite bizzare....but some how it all fall into place in the 500 pages journey. Although I was slightly disappointed by the last 100 pages. I thought the end dragged a bit.

Anyways I am looking forward to reading at least 2 more of his books - The wind up bird chronicle & Norwegian Wood - both of the supposed to be cult books from the author - Haruki Murakami.