Momentary Disability

Many years back as part of my common purpose course we were visiting an NGO who created books and supported the blind. Run by a blind women who had faced challenge in reading she had started this to convert books into audio. 

As we reached the place, about 200 meters before the place we were all blindfolded with instructions on how to reach the place. Very simple - straight roads and turns / steps were mentioned. Since we were in a group and as it happens in group - iii becomes a kind of group challenge and it’s all fun because you know there are folks who will take care of u. 

Fact was that most of us did not reach - it sort of gave a peek into a blind person’s world. Yes we could connect immediately when our blindfold was removed and we met with children who were blind but they performed all tasks as if they were not - from moving around, cleaning their plates, keeping it in the right place and of course they performed in front all of us, some singing, some dancing, some presenting. 

Confident & Smiling. No Different from us

Cut to 7th January 23

With the last night of the family looming before Jo leave for Pilani we all stretched to 1 am partying my body clock woke me up at 5. And my body was tuned for my customary run on Sunday so I went ahead and did my 8K. Next day was airport drop so got up at 5, so again a short sleep for me and disturbed as well as due to frequent checking of alarm :(

Came home and realized that I was feeling a constant buzz on my left ear as if a bee was buzzing constantly. It was not momentary but constantly and continued for 2 days and 2 nights disrupting my day completely, I could not sleep properly a constant thought coming to me if my ears got damaged or how will it feel as I cannot enjoy my movies and songs properly & I have to go to a doctor etc. No amount of positive thinking, meditation helped.

For next few days It just overturned my life. I did not speak about it to others as I thought it will go away on it’s own and also I was not sure if the sound was really there as it was just my quirk. Once can explain stomach pain or fever but this….

Yesterday night after tossing and turning I took a sleeping pill and slept for seven and half hours and as per my sleep tracker I had a deep sleep of 41% which is more than double the normal night and when I got up the buzz was gone. 

I had to move my ear and try to listen more carefully and sort of moved around a bit to believe that I am back to reality. Like you pinch yourself to check if you are not dreaming.

The whole experience gave me a peek into disability or rather sudden disability - like you have an accident and your leg gets amputated or you go blind or lose your hearing. Those who are born with disability have time to get accustomed to it and there is a whole support system trying to bring them up to speed. It’s not that there life is less difficult but this suddenness is akin to moving into a black hole.

In a way it is similar to falling sick or getting to know that you have cancer and the only last milestone is death. Both my father who passed away & father in law who is still alive have gone / going through this. 

I am generally told that I overthink, I guess that’s why I write - to clear my head, but this was an experience worth recording. At mid 50’s you can get hit by curb ball any day. Unlike corporate life the only curb ball is health & family.

I am trying to make peace with both.

I have nowhere to go, no list to strike off and nothing to prove.

Wonka - A movie of hope and imagination

This is the best movie to see on the 1st of the year. With my four letter word for 20 24 being HOPE what better movie to start the year with. The girls were any swooning because of Timothy Chalamet and it was a holiday spirits with chocolates from Germany in our fridge. So the mood was set for a perfect morning on a bright & warm winter sunny day. The below description by a TOI reviewer is what I would have written. 

Wonka feels like a delectable cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter morning or a warm hug on a gloomy day. It is as relaxing as the crackling sound of a fireplace. The classic holiday feel-good drama on love, passion, friendship, building and rebuilding life by having faith in your dreams, leaves you with a gleeful smile and teary eyes. The spiritual prequel or origin story of Roald Dahl's famous chocolate factory owner immerses you in its world of adventure, compassion, and persistence.

I have been on MUBI for a month or more where the movies are more real, gritty, yes they also have cute old movies but the last few I saw was hard hitting. This came as a refreshing change but it tool some time for me to adjust the change in mood. 

The best part of the movie which I liked is the production - at times it felt too much and over the top like the zoo scene or the Gallerie Gourmet but after some time you get used to it. Because the movie is all about imagination. We saw it in IMAX and the effect was overwhelming. The cast is stellar especially Timothy as Wonka & Callah Lane as his buddy Noodle and of course Hugh Grant after a long time.

We all loved the music & the dance by Hugh Grant - Oompa Loompa dance, in fact we tried to imitate the same when we came back home. 

Go to the theater and enjoy with your family & friends.

Welcome 20 24 - First post of the year

Jaisalmer, Dec 23

It has been incredibly sunny last few days in Bangalore and for me sun gives you that strong sense of hope for the day and life in general. 

As I run in the park 

• I see young kids playing and making noises, generally shouting at each other chasing each other, falling getting up and running again. 

• A young couple walking cautiously as the wife is expecting and holding her stomach so she does not hurt the unborn baby.

• The young man throws a ball in the air and the dog rushes to get it. 

• An old man walk vigorously with a big smile in their face or they have a phone playing some kind of bhajan or devotional songs, Very often he stops and to wish another passerby, exchanges a few words and continues walking.

• Runners are busy doing their laps or exercises after the run and exchanging their achievements.

I am filled with so much hope and energy that I know we will survive as a tribe. 

Despite the Russian invasion, Gaza strip violence, floods in Chennai & Himachal where 1000’s of people lost their life and property we continue to move ahead. Yes it’s not happened to me so it’s a bit hypocritical to give these examples but our life got upside down when my father in law got detected with cancer, we fought, debated, cried, argued but moved on. We are not happy but we are content and at peace that we are trying our best.

After nursing a knee injury for last 45 days, I decided to run on 31st and did a 8K which was my welcome run for 20 24. I was looking at my 23 goals and one of the thing I wanted to do in 20 23 was to do 25 K and my dare was 55 on my birthday. But all that went to dust as the year passed, I think the highest I did was 10k quite a few times on Sunday’s. There were few other goals,I hadn’t met any of them but I had a very satisfied year which set me thinking if there is a real need to quantify goals. For this year can the only goal be Sleep well or Be healthy or Be compassionate. So, here goes.

Principles for 20 24

• Compassionate towards human, animals, objects & earth

• Do what I want when I want

• Stay Calm and lead a slow life

• 100% fit body and mind 

• Hold the family together

Defining words for 20 24 is 

• Hope & Resilience 

• Love & Compassion 

• Family and Friends

There is only 1 goal - Do the Annapurna Base Camp in September.

Happy 20 24. Let's Fly :)

December Books - Japanese double bill

The sound of Waves - By Yukio Mishima

I had never heard of the author but picked the book because of it’s aged look. The paper was was almost brown but the book was in one piece. Also the fascinating bio of author. He was one of the famous writer of Japan who made an impact in the western world. Many of his books are made into movies but most controversial fact is that he committed seppuku (ritual suicide) when he was only 45 years old. This book was written in 19 54, 15 years before I was born. 

It’s a simple story of love between 2 young adults. The story is based in an idyllic Japanese fishing village in an island somewhere in Japan. It brings out the simple lifestyle and hardships which people in that time were going through. Men did fishing and women dived to get sea weeds / corals. Life was very very simple - very few actually went to the city. Shinji’s (the man in the story) brother goes to Tokyo for the first time and sees a movie. It’s like life was in that age in many villages of India especially tribals. The book paints a very nice visual image of Japan in 50’s - their focus on praying to sea god that they come back safe and sharing their catch with the priest of shrine or the lighthouse keeper who are doing service for the society. The myth of the shrine which was built on top of the mountain 1000’s of year before and people climbing 100’s of stairs to pray. Then the duty.  of the family member in getting water or washing etc. After a long time I read a simple book - more than book the experience and the kind of feeling it evoked was that of peace, love, the power of values and principles, respect. 

Days at the Morisaki Bookshop - Satoshi Yagisawa

This was written in 2010 but got translated in 20 23. Again a very simple book about transformation and making choices. The environment has become modern because of connectivity physical and mobile/internet. The cultural milieu is similar to the other book although they are written 60 years later. Takako’s uncle is trying to run a book shop which sells 2nd hand books that too of a specific category. Being a book lover I found the whole concept of a district / market which has many shops selling only old books very interesting. What is more interesting is that every store specializes in a particular type / category of book. In a way the story revolves around books, it’s transformation capability or how a book can make 2 people friends or maybe fall in love. A warm book to read on a winter night. I read it during my travel in Jaisalmer, Rajasthan which was very cold and was a perfect book to give me company.

I read The sound of waves then Normal People and then Morisaki Bookshop. The day I finished Normal People I was quite agitated, nothing specific but just that the book was so intense that it like a storm or hurricane has hit you and it created a sense of anger in me for labeling people treating treating them in a bad way. When I finished both the Japanese books it was like a beautiful sunset which you want to touch, you want to believe in love, joy and all that is beautiful in life. And looking back it clearly shows the impact a book can have in a reader.

December Books: Normal People

Sally Rooney’s book got the 2019 British Book Award and several other awards and is labeled as classic. So I picked up the book from a friend and read it. I think I am a bit old for college romances especially one happening in Ireland. It took some time to cancel out the environment and focus on characters and relationships. It’s a story book about love and growing up. 

I liked the intensity of love and the confusion in one’s mind when one is not able to differentiate between love and friendship. The complexities with which Connell and Marianne grow up, their insecurities, aspirations and their relationship with their family and college friends. The setting is in small town Ireland where everyone knows everyone.

Unlike India, in west people believe in open relationships and hence it’s ok to try out a different person if one is not working out. But Marianne & Connell have a relationship which is difficult to define although they like each other and believe they are best friends. Marianne is more demanding and probably the core of normal people as she is the abnormal person with her eccentricities, very low self esteem and a brother who dominates her and family who is not bothered about her. 

One comes out of the book thinking there is nothing called Normal People we are what we are let’s not define or homogenize ourselves.

Closing Thoughts, 23: The power of Family

Jaipur - Family Reunion, Dec 23

It has been a year of sickness and death -  My uncle (mother’s sister’s husband) passed away, another relative had a prolonged health issue and now goes for dialysis twice a week, living on a restricted diet and has limited mobility, my father in law & a close relative got detected with lung cancer and is undergoing treatment knowing very well that that the chances of recovery is low. My father passed away 5 years back in cancer. These are only within my close family but I keep hearing of illness among the family of my team members, apartment friends, batch mate and other friends. Maybe it all just came into focus because of an illness in the family.

When I am sick, I just want to let go & let the family takeover, which this December was just Niki who took leave and took me to the doc then managed the home as much as she could. Thankfully I was OK in 5 days to take control back and relieve her of her duties thrust on her.

When my father in law got detected with cancer - it was like war. All family members and extended family came with suggestions of doctors and treatment plans and eating advices. Many times it was overwhelming and we ignored but the fact that they all came together genuinely was a great discovery. Many of them I did not even know. 

Being caregiver family is tough especially when the person being treated has a tough view on everything and wants to do against our understanding - I know of a 80 year whose lungs had collapsed and wanted to smoke but had to be tied down in the bed so he could not. Our case was not that so hard but when my inlaws stayed with us for 6 months, it was tough negotiating medicines, nurse, medicines, demands made on the entire family with half of them visiting for few days. We knew that we were all trying our best but still there were lot of arguments, hard feeling, tension between 3 families whose effect we are still facing. 

Every week and in normal times we keep arguing on small silly things like ‘when to have dinner & what to have (bongs favorite topic)’ or which movie to see or to go for the new year party or not. Looking back one feels that how can we argue for such a dumbest reason and feel silly about the whole thing. 

Absorption of a principle takes time or maybe it’s just happened to me after reading so many books and seeing movies that an epiphany stuck me “All families are dysfunctional” it’s just we see a part of it when we meet. 

With so much limited time for the entire family to be together as children start chasing their dream and start having strong & differing views from us, it’s better to enjoy the few days we are all together than fight over the food to eat or movie to see - I have the rest of the year to exercise my choice. I might as well enjoy the time together than debate.

The power of a family is in how we keep it together in good times and bad times. I guess thats my calling for 2024.

Closing Thoughts, 23: Travel and how it changed me

Jaisalmer - December 23'

We came back today after a hectic travel of 6 days. In the 6 nights 3 nights we were on train / airport and 3 nights on land. At 53 this is not something I would ideally want to but coordinating between 2 working person and 1 college going family member this is the best we could pull off. It was tough on my health and nerve. But despite the anxiety I managed well and did not have any breakdowns or need a long recovery time. I was up and about the same day.

Mental Preparation is the key and my fundamental principle which I adopted since my first trip to Solan was to ‘Go with the flow’. One of the big learning was that (which applies to life as well but we don’t apply) nothing is in control - the train can be late, the tyre can burst, someone sat on my specs and it broke, hotel turns out to be really bad etc. We just have to make the best of the available options. 

Being Positive - Despite all the negatives, there will also be that glimmer of hope during the day of visiting a fort or looking forward to boating in the lake or a hot water bath on a super winter night in Jaisalmer or a an awesome spread in the breakfast. Being optimistic is the the basis of all decisions otherwise one cannot move forward.

Especially in this vacation I realized the importance of having my own space Early morning exercise routine, meditation, journaling were sacred and helped me to center myself day after day. In travel most decisions are fought and debated and either you just give up or fore your point of view on others. Either way there is lot of suppressed feelings and latent anger which surfaces after a few drinks or after the vacation or even after many years when one looks back at the vacation. Many times i was shocked by the reality of someone's feeling / comment about the vacation although on the surface we all thought it was a lovely vacation.

Do your own thing - Being in a large group, you often tend to merge with the group objective or plan of activities. I discovered having to do your own thing helps you to give more purpose to your travel. One of my friend runs in the morning - wherever he goes, some like shopping, some create nice videos of interesting & I love posting them on my status with some interesting thoughts / story which runs in my mind. Many of my friends n family comment back and when I meet folks they always remember me for these interesting anecdotes. It’s nice when you feel the warmth back and feel connected 

Know your weak points All my preps before the trip is around having backup or contingency plan if something breaks - it can be stomach, sleep, cold n body ache. At my age it’s very difficult to predict so I try my best to be cautious than adventurous. In younger I was the lead provocateur for doing brave things like jumping in sea from a height or try new things or stretch my limits to climb. No more. It took some time to curb the enthusiasm. 

The pivot

Most of this I started applying to my life. Unlike last 5 years when I was reading a lot (Geeta, self help videos, wisdom series etc.) and trying to grasp or look for principles to apply in my life in last 1.5 years I am learning more from observation of self - trying to identifying the root cause. Being data driven helped & I created XL to understand the cause and effect. 

Some thought it’s being fanatic but I thought it was more realist. Happy that to of my biggest weakness was controlled by this - stomach & sleep. Welcome 20 24.

Closing Thoughts, 23: On the futility of 'being in control'

It has been ‘depressing cold’ or maybe it’s just that my bout with flue has made me look at everything with a shade of sickness for last 2 weeks. Being sick is a terrible thing especially if you are alone, the world closes in. It has been like a system failure. First fever, then throat, then stomach, then back to throat, then weakness and sleeplessness. I battled through with my affirmations, gratitude journaling and sitting in sun whenever it came. I can’t run or cycle because of a knee injury, reading books & seeing movies I try to move into a parallel world of imagination leaving behind my sick world.

Today, I was looking at the tulsi plants I had planted a week back and with whom I shared my sunny space whenever the sun decided to come out. Some days the plants would look full of life and some days I will find many leaves scattered near it’s roots. I would promptly use it in tea for my sickness. Today looking at them I realized that one will die despite my best nurturing - watering, putting coco-peat, moving it around so it gets enough sun. And I was hoping the other will survive. The days are cloudy and cold, despite all our technology we cannot predict when sun will come out and no one can predict the life or death of a plant or us. 

We all love to control, from teams to family to project outcomes despite 100’s of variables, but can we or is it just a sense of control which we want to have despite knowing that you cannot. 

After Baba’s death & the uncertainties of COVID but more so in my last 1 year of starting life afresh I have started accepting the fact that we actually cannot control anything. Earlier I used to keep complaining on the lack of sun or the lack of a something which I wanted desperately but some time back I just stopped realizing the futility of it all. It only builds expectation, anxiety and lot of mutual angst. Like the eluding Banglore sun - If it’s there make the best of it if not do what you can to protect yourself from the cold. 

I realized that, we can only make a choice which we feel are wise at that point based on all the wisdom we have gained in our past. This in my mind is a culmination of experiences and the memory of those experiences stored in our brain. 

Once we make the choice, we have to just walk the path we have chosen.

Sun or no sun. Welcome 20 24

Past Lives

When you leave behind something you also gain something? This was the line which Na Young a Korean says when she is 12 years old to her friend (just a boy). The boy tracks her down after 12 years - he is in Korea & she is in California. After few round of chatting where both are very much in longing to continue their kiddy friendship. But then Na Young says - I have come to California to become a famous playwright and do something meaningful & all I am thinking is ‘when can I come to you in Seoul. Lets pause for some time so I can focus on my work. That pause lasts for another 12 years. 

These are 2 defining dialogues of the movie - driven by the principle that Na Young is a dreamer or maybe achiever - she wanted to win Nobel Prize, then Pulitzer then Tony & the boy is ‘so Korean’ - did engineering and joined a job which hardly pays and boss’s rule his life.

A very rare movie which needs to be felt as you see the movie. Small actions, shots, dialogues (90% in Korean), expressions speak more than dialogues. It’s an exploration of choice we make - which is a rational thing because at that time everything points on that direction. Your mind rules. Once you start your journey in that path - it will have it’s own life, ups and downs. Even if the past slowly becomes a faint memory - people in the past don’t. You don’t know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, what you have left behind with them when you chose a path. It’s a different world.

As the name suggests - what happens when your past comes visiting. In this case your friend when you were 12. Whom you said goodbye  and moved to a different country. And meet after 24 years. It’s not just love, it’s a connection to a country, it’s tradition, it’s language & culture. When she meets him all this comes together to form something more than love - it’s the longing which she suppressed all these years because she wanted to become something. 

The underlying theme of course is immigration, getting uprooted from your city, culture and making your space in an alien culture. Reminded me a lot about Jhumpa Lahiri’s stories especially Interpretation of Maladies. 

Since language is equal to subtitle - most of the talking is done visually. 

A lovely movie to see on a rain soaked day in Bangalore. Alone.

Inhabiting a parallel world

How many world’s can you inhabit ? This question sort of reverberated with me as I binge watched the 2nd season of ‘The wheel of time’ thanks to some provoking from my daughter. I am not a series person and definitely not a binge watcher. 1 movie / day or 1 episode is the max I can take. 

But I was recovering from an annual viral meltdown and was in the deep end of the tunnel. Everything was a bit dazed and confused - a bit blurry and hazy. Feeling better on Sunday we covered ourselves with Quilt (rajaai sound so much better) and binge watched 7 episodes. It was like getting out of 1 tunnel and getting into another. Sleep was under the haze of and everything was a cocktail inside my head and thoughts around the series kept drifting in out of my mind. I could not think of anything else much while the younger one would have already watched many K dramas. How ? was not a relevant question for them. 

It took another movie to pull me out of this reverie.

JOYLAND by saim sadiqi is a Pakistani movie which got awarded in Cannes this year. The milieu of JOYLAND was similar to India and very real. Every character had a past which unfolded slowly and the present was clouded with mystery. Photography - Cinematography was beautiful, capturing Lahore beautifully and the close up shots got the expressions just right. 

I am in a space where I have the advantage of time to rewind / rethink / dig deeper - introspect understand the directors nuances in the story. 

Should we ? Or just hop on to the next ......after all it’s just a movie. 

Some musings on JOYLAND:

JOYLAND is all about desire physical, ambition, societal pressure / prestige. In a highly repressed society like India or Pakistan (more so) it comes out in many ways like the masculinity we see in the boys who are part of the erotic dance group or the attraction which the star feels towards the trans without knowing why etc. Each of them cope with it in their own way - some by suppressing some by just going with the flow. BUt either ways it is gonna effect both. In last decade the desire is not necessarily a straight one and in most occasions there is a queer angle - Is it a reality ‘coming out of the closet’ or just a ‘commercial need’. At Least in case of JOYLAND it felt genuine. 

Listening to interviews of JOYLAND’s cast and director did not give much insights and was quite bored listening to the same kinda recorded phrases and words. Maybe it’s the cannes training. That does not take away from the fact that it was a brilliant.

As I write this I desperately look at Normal People By Sally Rooney. A world I have been meaning to inhabit for a week now after I finished my last book. But the OTT world had me in its grip. Let’s hope I dive in this weekend.

At 55

 At 55,

I want to live

The way I imagined I will 

When I had the free will

And Imagination

Of a child.

With nothing to prove

And nowhere to reach

Free with no goals

Living life in the moment

Enjoying the moment 

Every moment

The world around is chaotic

With seemingly no hope

But I find all relationships symbiotic

Family, society, earth, water, river, 

Ocean, Mountains 

All interconnected in a 

Seemingly unconnected and disparate world.

Not AI

But NI 

Nature’s Intelligence

Is second to none

I hope the world understands that

Before it’s gone.

Let me,

Soak in the sun, 

Dream under the moon

Rock in the waves of the ocean 

My life has just begun

At 55.

Your well being is in your hand

After 4 years of anti depression medicine I have finally left them on 16th Nov. It’s difficult to look back because its a long time and I think I don’t want to. But I am putting down a few points which may help those who need time to heal themselves. We all need.

Take 5

1. When to start: This is the most difficult part and I saw so many conversations in the well being group on Should I? The answer actually depends on when the question has come. Don’t start without trying - give yourself a deadline, there are enough hacks on internet. You should try what works for you. Some will Some won’t. 

2. Be Objective: Treat like weight lose / doing a marathon and do not for a moment think this is confusing. It is not. My doctor would say - If a diabetic patient is taking a pill for his well being what is wrong with you taking. 

3. What type are you?: It’s very important to understand what type you are. To make it simple - I just classify in 2 types, either you think a lot or you don’t take things so seriously. Most people who seek intervention is thinking type. This is my presumption but I am - that’s the first thing I was told. Don’t keep telling yourself - Why do I think so much? Can I pls stop thinking. You are programmed that way - you have to find a way around it. 

4. Practice-Practice-Practice - But stop looking. Don’t flirt with many ideas: I admire myself because I tried so much, everything the doctor would say my answer would be - Yes I read about it and I tried (reading a book when sleep does not come or talking to friend & so on). I often wondered why am I still going thru this. The answer when it came was that ‘I tried too much, which indirectly meant I kept seeking ideas to do which indirectly meant that I was not confident on my self and had belief on one idea I was trying. Last 100 days I have doing only 3 things - daily guided meditation, Gratitude (both before I sleep) & Affirmation (as soon as I get up with tea). Nothing else. Yes off and on I would read a article circulated in the ‘Wellbeing Group’ but I never compromised on my daily 3 things. The continuity gave the confidence and maybe changed something in my mind which is scientifically proved

5. When to stop ?:Lastly, this is the most important one. My doctor would never let me stop. She would always bring it down to ½ a tab and somehow something will happen and the no of pills will go up. This up and down continued for 4 years. Then I picked up an insight from my family doctor, he said ‘they will never let you stop because they are scared that it will relapse’. Somehow it was like a flash bulb - this has become a crutch and I need to take my ‘well being in my hand’ & I will leave the medicines come what may.

This was 100 days back and I finally took the step.