Day 4 of 40: The covenant of water - Abraham Verghese

The beauty of the book comes out in the few last chapters and the first 200 pages. For me what worked was the beauty of Kerala and the history of Kerala which shines through in the initial pages. Although talking to few Malyalis I realized that its more focused around the christian Malyali and I researched a bit as it raised my curiosity on the community. Abraham’s description was beautiful and it was like Kerala was almost like Indian Venice - The touristy house boats in Ernakulam are the remnants of that. And of course it’s still the India’s God country.

For me even the characters shone through, Elsie, Ammachi, Uplift master, Philipose, Baby Jojo etc. It was beautifully laid out characters which builds over a period from 1900 to 197. You could see a stoic father, growing up pangs, suppressed anger & passion. It’s a big book at 700+ pages but the fact that I looked forward to read a few chapters everyday and finished it a week / 10 days is a testament to that.

His specialization as a doctor explains the condition quite nicely, although at times I skipped it because of all the macabre description. But he closes the condition loop beautifully in the last few chapters. It came as a big surprise to me - the ending.

I like this genre of historic fiction which explores history and the society through a family saga spread across generation.

Day 3/40: Our ability to bear pain

For me my physical pain or discomfort kills me mentally and my intelligence and spirit both takes a nose dive. Today was worst with stomach churning since morning. I thought of blanketing myself with work and attended the  9.30 call followed by a call at 4.30 then 6pm. Of course the home remedies were on unfortunately nothing worked. 

And as I was grinding my teeth and doing things I remembered the numbness which we would create in work. Not having the ability to say NO, or prioritize our health. We would pop a tablet - strips of Saridon / Disprin / Dolo without thinking much. And the sheer numbness and the dopamine of finishing a chat or chatting with workers drove us through the day. 

Last 2 years I stopped doing it unless it’s unbearable. But sometimes when it happens too often I feel my ability to bear pain has gone down and one of the often debate which comes in my mind - let me just a pop a medicine and enjoy the present. In the long run we are all dead anyway. 

I don’t seem to be like those influencers whose life changes miraculously after they turn veg or start exercising or find a guru 😂😁

Day 2/40: And the clouds came in

Last 1 week Bangalore was like picture postcard. Sunny but not hot, bright but not harsh soft you will enjoy standing or walking in the sun, stare at the sun. The sunrays shone on the plants and flowers making them more beautiful. It was like nature was beckoning you - it was magical. 

For me writing is always very visual, I see it as a picture first before I write. Every morning when I started my walk I could feel the freshness of the air and the whole atmosphere was like a celebration of life. Like It’s like wonderful world being sung by Louis Armstrong. I kept thinking I will write but somehow I did not and the moment passed. 

Today I woke up to a cold, dark and depressing weather. One would like to stay inside the blanket or just have cups of hot tea. Well I had to walk to finish some errands from home so wore my jacket, lowers, covered my ears and moved …..

Reminded me of life - you always want to sun to last unfortunately and lately the clouds have been prevalent more than the sun. I am trying to cover my senses all possible covers from books, movies and work looking at the real sky and thinking this too shall pas.

It will.

Day 1 of 40: 10 minute meditation challenge

While I have done guided meditation. I have never joined a live group meditation. Conducted by a friend & started today 11-11-24. Circles always have a special after my Service Space Experience. Those were for 1 and half h. 10 minute I was not sure. 

So I joined without any expectation but with an open mind.

It was a coincidence that I had a nice bath and hit my desk at 6pm and saw the prompt. It was like the universe has a connived to join. An arty way of saying by chance….

The experience was nice, one could feel the energy or that feeling of being together - just a few words in chat or few spoken or a smile sometimes makes you feel connected. 

I started my own blank slate project where I said I will post daily ‘on a word or phrase’ till my birthday so connecting the both here’s some reflection on ‘meditation’

I have been practicing meditation for maybe 10 years now or maybe more. The first time I did was as part of AOL course in 2001. (Art of Living). No, unlike many people say ‘it has touched them and changed them’ or they got ‘enlightenment’ - for me no such thing happened.

It’s a habit I have build over the year to calm me down or focus on something. It’s a blank space / moment a commune between me and me. I like the feeling of oneness or alignment I have between my spirit n me. I get stressed over small things and deep breathing and meditation helps me back to me to regain my control - anytime anywhere.

Thanks to all of us who joined today and may we meet again. 🙏🏻🌻

The Blank Page

2 years and 100 days or 830 days - thats the no of days since I walked away from my job and start walking in search of utopia. A life of bliss and peace, a life without a boss and commitment of a 9 to 5 grind which we hated. 

If I say that the last 2 months was the worst in my health history it might sound shocking but thats the reality. After the dust settled in the initial euphoria of discovering a new passion namely sustainability and the virtues of a green life settled I was searching for things to do and fill time when there was no project or task to be done.

One of the most disrespectful comment I have heard about me was that ‘I needed a mother’ for everything. I forget the context obviously it was told to shame me for some work which I have not done but I many times in last 2 years I often went back to that comment and introspected - putting myself under the lens. It’s a different thing that I miss my mother - her death was too soon and too fast for me to create that bond which one does when one spend time with someone who is dying. Like baba who was there since his cancer discovery and ultimately his death.

Coming Back, I need people who can hand hold me, respect me, encourage me, teach me or just leave me alone to find a way & walk song when I find one. I was lucky to find some wonderful people in last 2 years but everybody is busy & have their own goals and life to live. As I always say - everyone have their own battle to fight and I have to fight mine. When you are not part of a system / company you are a lone wolf or a black hole or a planet without an orbit. The only circle you are left with is a disjointed family where all of us mean well but keep stepping on each other’s feet.

Time gets consumed by activities which can be termed as menial and meaningless by most of us but I try to find meaning in that saying I am doing sewa 🙏🏻. Meaningful things are looked at suspiciously by Alfie who feels I have cheated her by taking an early retirement. They do not see any meaning in discovering an auteur. 

The battle of power has shifted from office to home with the stronger debater winning and getting all the attention and the quieter one working and sulking. Sometimes I feel navigating office was better than family, it was clinical, purposeful and there was hope that there is a better job better company waiting.

The fact that I am thinking of doing a job is so preposterous that I am shocked to even recognize that the thought got germinated in my mind and I was curious to understand Why? 

I was having an itch to write - but the moment gets killed before it gets typed.Today, a very difficult week and day ended with 2 hours of deep sleep. Waking up with a groggy mind, i decided to take a nice bath and write before the moment passes.

Like Oliver Burkeman says in his post - Just do the thing. 

I did sirji 🙂

 https://www.oliverburkeman.com/so/a6NS1UQ-X#/main (Read here)

Exhale Day

I landed back in Bangalore on the 1st September. Last 20 days I was on toes. Volunteering Activities and then there was Service Space and Kitchen Renovation. Service Space shared daily prompts and today they had the Exhale Day before the last week starts. I took it as a sign and sort of let go for few hrs. 

I did not look at the phone, I did not read, I did not look at the computer (service space prompts). I took bath and just lay inside the blanket, cocooned in a world within a world. And I could feel the withdrawals. Usually I am not constantly on the phone but sometimes when you are riding you want to ride many types of waves to satisfy your challenge. It’s human nature. And I realized that one thing led to other and last few weeks I was constantly busy not realizing it. Yes, there were moments of peace and tranquility in between but I guess they were too less and too small at least that's what my experience was telling me.

Like it happens after u get up from a deep sleep - the mind was empty and was in a mode of receiving. For last few hrs I wrote, I read, I listened - It was flow hrs when u can feel that what you are writing is coming from the depth of your heart, what you are listening is going deep inside you / affecting you and  what you are reading in creating ripples in your heart and soul. 

After a whole week of cacophony, few hrs of harmony is what keeps me going